A deeper understanding of love

Checking email and saw this article sent by A Slice of Life again. You know I always said A Slice of Life can read my moods because at certain appropriate time, it will tell me a story that I will endear to. But then maybe it is because I easily relates anything to anything haha. So everything can endears to me.

Hmm how many to-do travel posts I still need to do? Italy, Batam & Malaysia (I rem I had 2 short trips then), Manila, Melbourne, and now Sydney.. I guess I have to take my time. So although I'm back from Sydney, it will be a long time before I write about it which I always felt is good as then what I write is what really stays in my memory.

As for this article. I thought of 2 person when reading it.

I remember before I came back SG, I had bought a scarf which I thought of giving to her. In some sense, whenever I travel lately, other than buying for my family, it has been a habit to buy for her and probably her family too. Because I always thought she will become part of the family too. But I quite like the scarf too so I wanted to take a pic (I did anyway) and ask mum for opinion. But somehow I managed to find another pretty gift for her and so this scarf became mine to keep. But when I was back in SG, I sensed something was wrong already. As usual my gift was passed to her via the messenger. But something seems wrong. I may have only stayed a few days back home but it is impossible not to have seen her either.

Actually messenger and I do chat from time to time. But while I was in Melbourne, messenger did not mention anything to me. But I did find out from another source. And I start to worry. In some sense, it really never occurred to me that love could be so fragile even after a promise has been made. I wondered if I felt such pain, how much did messenger endured. Messenger also did not say much other than the facts.

When I went back Melbourne, there was this night messenger wanted to talk to me. I told messenger to find her to clear up everything. Because I have learn never to bottle up thoughts and feelings because nobody will ever knows. Even writing it out is better than not doing anything. But for immediate effect, face to face talk is the best. Somehow though it was a wrong move as messenger did something wrong still. And somehow after that messenger did get a closure.

Then messenger had a headache on the upcoming trip. I was very sure she will not join and I was right. While in Sydney, there was this day I felt something queasy and decided to email my source and ask about them. Source told me that messenger went on alone. Shocked and worried and yet I really for once saw the strength messenger has to learn to overcome these hurdles. I remembered during the trip, on and off the people around me told me certain stories.. about how distance caused a shift of change even though there was already a flat in waiting.. or how someone's brother managed to survive through too. And in the back of my mind, I really wish messenger strength. That was why a chapel fascinated me then because I had no other outlet then. Stayed there for a short while and kept thinking.

And when messenger asked me last night to see the nicely taken photos, even though I was really tired, I went to check. I just wanted to make sure messenger is at peace. And I really hope messenger is. After all,

To love someone is to want the best for someone, even if that 'best' thing isn't you.

So if you were wondering, messenger is the person I thought of sending this article to.

Would you pack his luggage?

During a baby shower (not a traditional one because authentic baby shower are female exclusive events), an interesting topic was brought up – Who pack your luggage? This was directed to 2 Asian married guys. And one is more traditional because of his Chinese educated background while the other may be more open being English educated, but the answer was the same – The wife does the packing.

Reasons probably include:
1) She is neater (and thus i.e. the one who is neater should do the packing)
2) He will supervise what to bring still
3) Packing for guys is generally easier. After all they just need clothes and shower necessities.
4) Hmm I jokingly brought out the sensitive object – condoms. It may sound like a joke but in my opinion I do agree that I rather one take precautions than be sorry. And indeed the wife of the English-educated thinks likewise too but she was scolded by the hubby as it was unnecessary. Of course it is nice to know that and likewise I certainly hope the hubby stays clear-minded no matter how drunk he gets (he belongs to the gang who are regular drinkers). And so yup I thought wives wanted to pack to see if the guys brought condoms or to see if they want to pack that for the guys… whichever angle you chose.
5) Last reason and the most important reason, is the wives do it as an act of love.

I tried asking this question to another 2 more ladies but as this is a hypothesis testing done on small sample and thus prone to error especially Type II error (i.e. simply state, the results could still be biased) and I got my hypothesis verified that.. people who are attached (and would like to get married) will be more willingly to pack the luggage than people who don’t share the marriage sentiments.

What if scenarios provided by CL included the wives may be busy with household chores and taking care of the children and thus should not have time to pack the husbands’ luggage. I agree both guys do not have children at the moment but I feel that children might not be a stopping reason. Not saying household chores don’t take up a lot of time but as humans, we all know that if you want you will find time to do certain things out of love.

And to turn the tables, would he pack your luggage? The answer I got from the 2 guys unfortunately is … No. Because women are indeed more troublesome than men. We have to select the makeup, the beauty products, the shoes to suit the clothes, the accessories. And thus the men find it a tad too complicated to pack for the ladies. Hmm of course I can simply brush it off as saying – they are pure lazy creatures. Which is something I predicted when I asked too.

Random muse on 17th Nov 2010

12AM. Supposed to be sleeping now having finished my household chores. xL was saying we should get month-by-month post paid internet because there will be more available bandwidth. But I realised I am having lesser and lesser time to surf net since I started staying in Oz. Just yesterday (tues), I spent an hour grocery shopping, an hour and a half cooking and an hour resting (surf net) before I proceed to wash my clothes. It is then I realised 2 things
1) I cannot own an apartment because I cannot find time to clean up. Unless I really give up my weekend to do household chores :(
2) I cannot stay in very backward countries. At least not now when I am using the dishwasher to less out one household chore to handle.

Anyway I digress. I am still staring at the Art Series gift and wondering what to draw on it. And I thought of checking the blog for ideas. And seeing the links, I wondered if any would be useful. And thus I ended up reading the love story again. I had actually forgotten the role '2' played. A cousin. Hmm sadly the cousins never managed to keep in contact no matter how hard '2' tried. Anyway halfway through, I skipped to the ending. Typical of me. And I decided not to read the second half already as I know it is not going to help me. In the background, Prince W news keep broadcasting non stop that I almost could memorize what the next line is going to be. Not that I am unhappy that there is one less eligible bachelor. Since young, I never adore him anyway though I did felt we share some similar traits. It stopped though at 97. But I was surprised to hear they ever parted only to reunite again. 2nd chance. How many believed it enough to actually go through it again. And to conclude after 8 years. I always believed that no matter how long one date, it will only lead to 2 paths. The marriage. Or the break-up. Of course I don't want both to happen but should it really happen, I felt a break-up then a marriage is a better order. I guess the recent events befallen really do have some impact on me. Sigh have to admit I am becoming quite unstable emotionally. I still have a week to stabilize myself.

Back to figure out the poster paint...

p/s: just read this from someone I thought we have affinity
"someone once said, u take the same amount of time u were together to forget the one u really love."
it is weird though.. I felt deja vu, like seeing a scene that happened 3 years ago. Does she know what she is doing? And all I can do is to send a message to tell her to take care. Is it going to be the last message? And the sad fact is, I'm not the only one who had withdrawn...Human when facing with heartbreak will all start to withdraw.. I suddenly wish I can visit a temple or church and pray for them...

pp/s: It is 19th Nov and more accurately 3 days has passed but I am still staring at the plain white sheet. The contrast? My mind is in a worst storm ever. From searching the google to the FB to the blog, I conclude I search the wrong places. Prob the worst choice is the blog.. because I ended up in sep 2006 and re-read something that I forgot. In fact I realised lately I forgot even the simplest stuff. Just today, I had emailed xL last month an email entitled cheese but I don't rem what I told her about it. Even when she opened it, saying I was advising her how long she can keep the cheese, I have absolutely no recollection. Thus I don't know if it is a blessing in disguise to read the condensed story and jolt me back to reality that... what I once gave up, I cannot ask back. Because a childish princess has to grow up and accept her choices.

過去的都過去了,剩下的只是散落在心中,
脆弱且不完整的回憶,有些很清晰,有些很模糊,
有些是曾經發生過的,有些是瞎掰的,
試過很多方法,確定它們永遠都不會再回來了,
既然這樣,那就 讓一切都過去吧!
不然它們一直擋路,
新的 就很難再靠近
- 眼球先生《愛情想太多》

Read the full story here.
20th Nov, was clearing my digital mess and saw this word doc. Thus went to see if I had blogged it. And I did. In 2009. Funny that the afterthoughts always stay the same even if the person in thought differs for all these times I read the story. But I think, I have finally stabilized. I have finally regained my sanity. And I have finally convinced myself, do not attempt to do what I had planned to do. (Thinking back, it is funny though someone did voice out some of my thoughts even though I rarely talk to him already.. but it is good too because I always retort him back sensibly and hearing the sensible answer makes me more resolute not to do anything foolish...)

Peace of Mind

Sneezing away while reading this article. Somehow I fell sick the moment I reached Melbourne. Thus I did not even have time to blog about my 1 week stint in SG... probably when I'm better. Just that even in SG, I realised I was waking up at 4am daily. Somehow I did not adjust back to SG time zone. And I realised that in SG, having more friends, I will not think of certain things and be able to get my peace of mind. This is something I had been thinking about since I went Manila. At that time I kept thinking of a certain past which I cannot get back already. Probably at that time I realised leaving SG no longer serve the purpose I wanted initially.

So what made me wanted to go Mel. Maybe is to fulfill the promise I once made. But I realised that being in Oz, I ended up thinking of something else which I don't wish to dwell into too. And the people who I can contact become limited to those in the area. Especially now with a cold, I thought about an advice once given to me about taking vitamin C after you caught a cold is rendered useless. Anyway though it seems too late to be loading on Vit C, Snr says it might aid recovery. I hope so too thus I continue loading up on it.

Anyway I'm still thinking in life if there are people who are your 鍾無艷 and 夏迎春? I guess I don't want anybody to be divided into such category though. Anyway I did not sms or email about it in the end because I decided I don't want to keep contacting the few limited people. I don't want to rely on anybody. That was the reason why I leave SG now. To learn to be independent. Thus,  I just want a peace of mind now.

p/s: CL asked me about the past... it is like what MZZDWAN says... the past is an integral part of me and makes me who I am. It comprised of everything that has happened to me and I was wondering if I went back to the past, would I repeat doing what I did.

Back to Melbourne

Amazingly SQ seems to hear my movie wishlist because I managed to catch Despicable Me which was in my to-watch list. But it seems that I have lost interest in watching movies lately because I keep falling asleep during the flight. I don’t even remember what else I watch after that hmm..

Then upon reaching Melbourne, xL asked me if I wanna tag along to QVM to do my grocery shopping. And then we went back to our respective room... where I really fell asleep because of my cold. xL had to call my room to wake me up as I could not even hear her knocking the door already. And so yup I was the last one to be ready for a sumptuous Sichuan hotpot dinner (seriously, I'm not sure if it is wise to eat hotpot when you are sick but we were going to tekan the bday boy i.e. xL's bf so heck care haha).

It was actually my first time to eat Sichuan Ma La Huo Guo and it was a fantastic experience. Halfway through the meal, I got busy slurping the spiciness of the food and could not be bothered to take photos. I was taught that to counter the spice, one can always drink milk. That's why there are soya milk available. Interesting.

As I fell sick upon reaching Mel, I decided against running. But I felt fat after that sumptuous Sichuan hotpot dinner and I wanted a walk, plus Coles were having a promotion for their mushrooms and thus I started to walk to Coles. But I have forgotten my new toy and having no music accompaniment, my mind started to wander once again.

So walking with my groceries, I started to ponder about why one always feel more vulnerable when sick? Haha. It must be the defense mechanism weakened and thus it is at such a time people hope to be cajoled. I remember the recent time I fell sick was in London. But maybe I was with CL and thus I don’t feel as vulnerable as I do now. And then maybe it has to do with the person I’m with? Because I do realize that I tend to show my resilient side to most people which probably have people mistaking that I can be very independent. And I probably only whine towards a minority few. They say that guys actually like girls to be less independent and whinier due to their innate protective big brother nature. Hmm so I started to think who do I whine to usually haha. And who will actually cajole me. Anyway I decided my mind went to some dangerous lane and reined it back to the present.

Hopefully I will recover soon and that hopefully by the end of the month I will be back to a proper state as I’m scared I might behave badly. Sigh, women can really be troublesome creatures.

iPhone

Was with jap lover friend today and somehow the topic lead to iphone.. and I remember when iphone 3 came out, both of us did not want it because there were just too many people and I did not subscribe to the hype. Of course I don't regret it because iphone 3 is really as lousy as my current E72. The only plus point is there are just too many useful applications catered for it!!! So unfair right? What can I say when the hype is there. Even my Melbourne room is biased to have an ipod docking station...

It does makes me angry I don't have one now haha...
So I was checking about iphone 4 and seriously, I'm so amazed by the camera quality of it. So much better than my E72... and I was sorely tempted to get one now.. especially when hp is joining apple soon and was saying she wants one too. Sigh, should I really follow the crowd and get my first apple stuff..

Looking back, I had wanted
a Macbook Air
a ipod touch

And I did not get any in the end still. In fact I did not even get any laptop yet though I have already set my eyes on a touch tablet. And I ended up getting a sony walkman in the end after my first volunteer stint in GE run and seeing the ad.

Though it was not very suitable for running as in I felt it will pain my ear after prolong use. But it really gives me a 'Look No Wires!' feel...

愛情櫥窗-留在原地

I remember Anne's window series. And I remember this scene previously. And because CL asked if I watched MZZDWAN 《命中注定我爱你》 before which invoked in me finding this post and thus reminded me what I blogged a year ago... which weirdly somehow linked me to end up at Anne's window again.

陈欣怡都可以离开台湾，去了上海，从新脱变。 我好像改变，又像在原地，是因为我并没有努力吗？可是有时候就算你原风不动地站在原地，但是原地未必也一成不变。原来你想要的原点，早已悄悄离开你了。

As I'm back from Melbourne for a week, I visited my ex company yesterday. Because I did not attend a colleague's son wedding so I decided to make the trip down. Nothing seems to change for them and yet so much has changed. More children getting married, getting older, having children. And I have already left them 2 years plus already. I have once wondered what will it be like if I had stayed. Perhaps nothing much changed if I really stayed. Not many of them knew I left my current company, went on hols for a long time, and re-joined again. Which I asked myself, did anything change for me either?

中山隆对欣怡说过：
如果你忘不掉的过去，那就干脆不要忘记了！埋在心底里，做为妳人生故事的一部分。那沉寂的过去呢，就会变成养份，你要知道，不能总往后看啊！那样妳就不会进步。

I couldn't forget the past. It was something I realised when I was in Manila. It kept rewinding in my mind. Maybe because I was alone then. And in Melbourne, I was once again living alone. People in solitary tends to let their mind go awry. I did not try to suppress the memories. And I realised whether I'm in SG or not, I can't avoid what I wanted to avoid by leaving. But that realisation does not stop from still wishing not to be in SG. I will never give up my citizenship, that is for sure. But I don't wish to be in SG because it cannot contribute what I want to do. And I no longer want to be in SG for too long a period, that is final.

Let me end this post with the following story to remind myself that while I'm in Melbourne, I must not lose track of what is my true agenda there and start chasing for unnecessary splurges. I realised lately I have a tendency to do that. Must find my ballerina's foci point! 

GE Run

It was my first time volunteering for a sport event.. quite happy to hear about the lobang that time and just jumped into it because GE run had been one of those ladies run I had wanted to participate when I was in my previous job.

The day started early for the volunteers... and we had our free breakfast. As it was free, I shall not complain too much about the quality of it, because it is still edible nonetheless. Be grateful especially when you have transport provided, food given, reimbursement and goodies to get too. It really is a good deal.

Then we made our way to the various stops. Mine was the last water stop! For once I finally understood the drinks that I have been drinking, how it was being prepared and how it was being delivered in my hands (if I had been running). I would say seriously, I may think twice drinking the sports drink for my next marathon... but but.. I think my stomach is made of steel so should be alright...

Waited till all the participants ran past us before we start packing up. I realised there is a heap of wastage generated after the event. There are still recycling efforts being taken especially with the carbon boards and plastic bottles. But we also did generate quite a fair amount of rubbish sadly. All those paper cups that the sweeper has to sweep it up. Hmm sometimes such event isn't really healthy for earth I guess.

After that, the morning is gone and I went out with my friend. Oh I must say GE run goodies is just as good as Shape Run. Seriously I think I should just focus on ladies run, they really give me much more useful stuff.

World's Coolest Intern

World's coolest intern! That's what the contest is called.

Orgnanised by Standard Chartered.
And attracted a lot of applications.
I shall hereby post my brother's site in World's coolest intern!

Please support my brother..thanks in advance!

Random muse on 21st Oct 2010

Was clearing disk space and decided to watch Phoenix Quartet. Hmm I stopped my Yi Long 2 though because I thought of cramming some Cantonese phrases if I really visit HK in December. But nothing can be confirmed and I’m tired to try to fly and reach there by weekend just to suit Doc’s schedule. I realised travelling in December is always a frenzy issue. Last year, it was also a mad rush to suddenly buy a QF ticket to Frankfurt and be on the same plane as CL. This year is equally bad; I’m on waitlist for an SQ flight back to SG and the QF ticket will incur penalty charge should I change. For people like me who may be sent back anytime as my client is not convinced of my inexperience, buying a QF is a risk I am trying not to take. And with no confirmed tickets back to SG, I cannot proceed to buy a HK ticket.

But I do hope I get to visit HK since my friend stays in Stanley area which is a place I really wanted to visit after watching Nadia’s shipping show. As for whether I get to see Doc, I decided sometimes it is not worth forcing some stuff. After all I fear Doc might be sick of me. Women after all are troublesome creatures and I don’t wish to trouble Doc too much since she’s there for attachment and her precious free time should be spent with her family. I had thought of enjoying Christmas in HK but it is something that cannot be achieved already since my friend has to go back Canada too. I remember my last visit in HK was also during Winter time. And that I bought a Christmas hat then. Is been more than a decade after that, wonder how much has changed.

So I think Christmas is going to be a quiet affair this year. Don’t know why, I really dread to be in Singapore lately. Maybe is because I will lose the freedom which I wield like how I spent my Christmas last year in Brussels. I really like that a lot. Some will say all my friends are in SG, but so many years in SG, how many times do I go out with these people? Of course to look at another perspective, I can save money by staying at home haha (though I like to clarify I did not spend when I was in Brussels either.) Then probably the next Christmas, I can be in Nuremberg.

Anyway I was watching Phoenix Quartet and was thinking why girls in the ancient olden days can be so remarkable to accept arranged marriage and be the ideal wife, to the extent of having the useless husband's child. Sigh, can a couple really just survive on emotional support, minus all the physical contact? If so, then the great great grand mother will not have tried to reach out to her childhood lover at the brink of death. But then to abandon your family for the sake of love is also something that is a bit too extreme. I don't really want to abandon my family for anything. But it has come to a point that I don't want to be in a place which is not my destiny.

At the end of the day, I indulged in some Konapun videos to cheer myself up. Besides my data plan is expiring soon and I still have half of my data unused so I think I can youtube a fair bit. Hopefully I will be able to visit City Saver in Hong Kong this Decemeber. By the way, my SQ flight has been more or less confirmed already. But I will wait for tonight's meeting before deciding to book my HK tickets in case I cannot go.



The list of Konapun:
Konapun #1 - Curry and Rice

Konapun #2 - Doughnuts

Konapun #3 - Spaghetti

konapun #4 - Hamburger, French fries

Konapun #5 - プリン・アラモード

Konapun #6 - omelet, hamburg steak etc.

Konapun #7 - tartlets, ショートケーキ etc.

Konapun #8 - Pizza, Chicken Nuggets

Konapun #9 - crepes

Konapun #10 - sorbet

Konapun #11 - Takoyaki, Okonomiyaki, Taiyaki

Konapun #12 - soft cream

Konapun #13 - sushi

Konapun #14 - cookies

Konapun #15 - bento (Japanese boxed lunch)

Konapun #16 - フライランチセット