S.O.P. 女王

还在看《胜女的代价》 ，但有一些经典台词想牢牢记住了。。。

也对，应该奋斗，不能就这样放弃。。

没有明天的恋情，真的会让人很累。
但若不想那么多，就冒冒让喜欢对方，真的会得到幸福吗？

这次回来又觉得变了。。这两年，都可以变这么多，哪如果真的要离开时，是不是不将认识这里了。 我只剩一年了。时间算过得快还是慢，我也不能肯定了。。。

 至于过去，就把它停留在那遥远的对面吧！

All photos from Phuket

Are these my 10 desires?

After reading Hugh McKaay's What Makes us Tick, the first and foremost desire is the desire to be taken seriously.

So that's why children loves to grow up and be taken seriously.

Then there is a desire to believe in something. Like one's belief in religion. Or like me reading my horoscope to believe in the stars...

And then there is the desire to connect. How else to explain why the strong attraction towards Facebook and blog and other social media networks. How else to explain why I'm always whatsapping my friends and being so 38  haha.

But most importantly the desire to connect to myself, the constant questions i ask .. who am I? What do I want??

I also hope to connect back to the nature. So maybe I should reply the email and hope to be able to continue my docent year for another one more year?

Next is the desire to be useful. That s why I probably work so much. Because right now, only work seems to make me feel I'm useful.

The desire to belong is probably something that I bury deep down. Because I don't seem to be able to belong anywhere. No matter how hard I try. Hmm...

Then there is greed, the desire for more. Greed can be good or bad, depends how one make use of one's greed I guess.

My friend says I have a strong desire for control. If things don't go my way, I will not be overly happy about it. Hmm... really???

Then there is the desire for something to happen. Like your next holiday trip. Hmm my desire though is for a peaceful day if possible.

Finally the desire for love. Which needs no further explanation.

But are these really my desires? Maybe my desire is to do nothing... haha..

The home that never is

The home that Sheba never got to see as the drilling continues...

Alice in Secret Garden

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

 

Every girl must have wanted the adventures that Alice had.
Every girl must have wondered where is their wonderland.

But do you know that “Alice in Wonderland” is a disoriented neurological condition that affects human perception.
The syndrome involves distortions in body images and shapes.
Either objects appear much larger (macropsia) or smaller (micropsia) like dwarf or giant in a fairy tale.

Thus Joo Won did not lied, Alice in Wonderland is a mental illness...
Except he does not see anything growing nor shrinking.
He only see her..

And I wonder, do I have that illness too?
Can I also live in my own fairytale...

如果我没有遇到另外一个人的话，
我可能会考虑跟你交往喔。
因为我不想再爱上一个幻想中的人了，
你知道到啊，有时候你遇到一个人你爱上他，
然后你就会开始幻想，
后来有一天你会发现，这一切都是你的幻想。
你就会觉得现实好残酷喔。
不过可以认识你，我还是觉得好幸福哦。
—林晓洁 《胜女的代价》

Little Mermaid in Secret Garden

I always believed watching drama needs affinity sometimes especially those that I am willing to sit down and blog.

The first time I heard of Secret Garden (SG), it was showing on TV and my mum wanted me to find some previous episodes that she missed. I knew it was an old drama then but I didn't have the urgency to watch it. Maybe because I didn't know Hyun Bin was in it haha. Then someone left a comment in my blog on My Lovely Samsoon. Saying how good Hyun Bin was in SG. And I thought, oh that's the one I caught bits and pieces with my mum a couple of months back. (Sidenote: I finally flipped through Remembrance of Things Past but couldn't went past the first chapter because I'm not a fan of that style of writing.)

Role reversal isn't a new theme to me anymore. I have seen movies like Just Follow Law etc. So I was not overly enthusiastic though it would be interesting to see Hyun Bin's feminine side. But all that changed when Ji Won says Ra Im

will be the little mermaid who will be stuck between two worlds, then disappear, like bubbles.

Maybe it was because embedded in this k-drama is my favourite fairy tale - Little Mermaid which has been modernised to sound like a sad love story about a mistress who loves her prince but has to disappear into thin air when the affair is over. After all in most secret affairs, the prince does not love the mistress back.

Let's say that I throw everything away and choose you.
Get a house to live in and a bed.
We'll just sleep together and then wake up.
But..
How long do you think the happiness would last?

I lost everything and the two lived happily ever after?
You have no thoughts of becoming the little mermaid.
That's why I'm going to be the little mermaid.
I said I will be your little mermaid.
I'll be right next to you as if I am not there and disappear like foam.
So right now, I am the one shamelessly hanging onto you.

But this is not the typical affair we know. And thus Ji Won decided, if Ra Im does not want to be the mermaid, then he will be the merman. And he starts singing that song, which became my mood song of the week. 

One man loves you-
That man loves you with all his heart.
Everyday like a shadow, he follows you around
When that man smiles, he is crying on the inside
How much longer
Do I have to just look at you alone?
This stupid love-
This beggar-like love,
If I keep trying will it make you fall in love with me?

-That Man sung by Hyun Bin from Secret Garden OST

And so begin the love story of the little mermaid who embarked on a path of a hidden lover that will never be accepted by his elders.
She has no one to turn to.
She cannot tell anybody.
She cannot confide.
She cannot vent.
And she fervently wishes she will not end up like the mermaid,

“looking at the prince with sad eyes and threw herself into the sea. At the end, the little mermaid turned into bubble and disappeared”

Afterall,

where in the world is there a woman who would foster a tender, happy love only to disappear like sea foam? No woman starts a love with a designated end.

So with a heavy heart and a troubled mind, the little mermaid always frown in her sleep.
When asked it's because the prince is in her dreams.
Which is sad because even in the dreams, they are not happy.
Just like in the real life.
Nonetheless,
she wants him to visit her dreams daily.

The prince not only indulges in this simple wish of hers. He even re-wrote a new ending for her.

“The Little Mermaid was about to disappear, and at that moment, the prince realized the truth and said to the princess, ‘Is this the best you can do? Are you sure?’ and broke off the engagement.

He ran to the Little Mermaid, but she’d noticed the water bubbles and developed an air-bubble washing machine and became a chaebol.

Meanwhile, the prince went broke with a bad investment and became the Little Mermaid’s Secretary Kim, and they lived a long, long, really looooong time.”

In the not so happy but fully realistic ending, the little mermaid did manage to register her marriage with her prince but will never be able to hold a wedding because of the family's disapproval. And the prince continues to manage the corporation but was stripped of his royalty. Thus

“We still don’t have a single wedding photo.
But we live every day, loving and being loved, living a magical life.
Maybe being in love is a lot like swapping souls.
May your soul have flowers that bloom, a cool breeze, a shining sun, and…
once in a while, a magical rain that falls”

Macabre Trade

Today is the Hungry Ghost Festival. And as I flipped through my old drafts, I remembered this old news I read in Feb 2012.

A WOMAN in northern China was sold into marriage twice within days - despite dying weeks earlier. The young woman, from Hebei Province, a large region near Beijing, died over the Lunar New Year holiday.

Her family opted to sell her body for a "ghost marriage" - a macabre union designed to prevent deceased bachelors from wandering the afterlife alone. They received 35,000 yuan ($5560), a large sum in China's still-poor rural areas.

But the deal turned sour just days later for the dead woman's new family, when robbers raided the grave and removed the bride's body to marry her off to a dead bachelor in another town for 30,000 yuan, it was claimed.

Source:theaustralia.com Reading this news remind me of the temple I once visited in Singapore.

Seng Wong Beo Temple in Tanjong Pagar, Singapore

This temple is famous for conducting "ghost marriages". Also known as Du Cheng Huang Gu Miao, meaning "Temple of the City Protector", Seng Wong Beo is a Taoist temple similor to Seng Ong Beow in Penang.

Hundreds of this ritual have so far been conducted at the temple. According to Taoist belief, the rules in Hell permit only the married to eat at the table. Children and the unmarried could only eat under the table. For that reason, the spirit of miscarried fetuses and the unmarried would not be able to receive offerings made on family altars.

Thus some families conduct a ghost marriage to upgrade their status and meal tickets in Hell. However this usually happens when the dead appear to their living relatives, seeking their help to find them a match. Though rituals conducted at ancestral altars, the dead were introduced to each other. The success of the match is determined by the casting of lots and interpretation of dreams.

During the ghost marriages, the altar is decked with paper furniture such as bed, car and other material possessions for the dead. Paper effigies of the bridal couple are positioned in worshipful posture in front of the temple deity before they are torched for the couple.
Source: singapore-traveltips

At that time, I find the tradition fascinating. At least the marriage is respectful. Unlike the case in China where it insinuates a certain demeaning feeling to the corpse bride.

In fact an old news had mentioned a case where a 52-year-old farmer Sung Tiantang had admitted to killing six women in northern Hebei province and selling their bodies to be used as ghost brides, for a total profit of less than 20,000 yuan ($2,600). And that was because there is a lack of females (corpses) due to the one child policy in China. Fresh dead bodies, known as wet goods, also could fetch higher prices than bodies buried in the grave for some time, which is known in the industry as dry goods.

Sigh this is not the Tim Burton's Corpse Bride that we are definitely dreaming about.

Pride and Prejudice (Erotic Vesion)

When I first heard about 50 shades of Grey from the radio (which I seldom hear in Oz), I was curious what is the story that could make the author so famous.

Then my colleague told me it is just a beginner cookbook, advanced and intermediate. And I gave him a blank look. How can a culinary book capture the attention of so many readers. He was of course pulling a fast one on me.

As what another friend described, this is just... female porn. And that should end the story, especially since it gives me nothing to remember about after finishing the first book. Nothing other than making me interested to read Tess of the d'Urbervilles (which after I finish it in wiki, I conclude is sufficient... like how I finish read War and Peace on wiki too.)

I probably would have finished Grey on wiki if my friend did not give me a book version to read. I'm still very much a book person as I cannot really tolerate reading novels on the screen.. that's why I gave up War and peace which is such a long novel. I have to admit I am not a literary person. I can't write flowery prose. I prefer to read and co-relate instead.

And thus, while I was flipping through old magazines to clear, I suddenly thought of Pride and Prejudice, and suddenly, it clicked. I finally understood why this first book felt so familiar. Because Ana and Mr Grey is exactly like Elizabeth and Mr Darcy. A conceited man falling in love with a witty lady.

And then I started thinking, does all love story of today starts just like Pride and Prejudice. Did feminism rise at that time. Did women learn that they should be heard and yet not be overboard. Is that why Ana is so not submissive? Why conceited Mr Grey likes to be challenge?

I know there is a second and third book. And I know it that is where the similarity ends between Grey and Darcy. But for now, I only have one burning question. How independent should a women be? And how vocal should she be? I'm confused by what the society expects. I'm confuscated with the double standards applied to both female and males.

And as I can't write well, I decided to find a picture to conclude my entry.

Filial Piety Month

It was the 7th Lunar Month and the Taoist believe it is the month of Hungry Ghost Festival where the spirits leave the lower realm for a visit as I was brought up to know since young. Thus it was the first time that I realise that Buddhism believe the 7th month to be a Filial Piety Month too.

This was based on the Ullambana origin where the Buddha had taught his disciple Maudgalyāyana how to obtain liberation for his mother, who had been reborn into a lower realm.

Source: Wikipedia

It is interesting to know the similarity in these 2 religions which involves giving offerings to the ancestors and remembering them. In addition, Ghost festival is the time where we pay respects to all the deceased, including same and younger generations (unlike Qing Ming which is generally paying homage to ancestors).

From my friend, I also learn that Buddhist chant every morning and evening. But this day, the service that we attend is a special service which she has never done. Thus we were just following what the others do. I spent 2 hours doing the rituals and chanting The Precious Litany of 88 Grand-Name Buddhas. As my mandarin isn't very good, I require the English translation to read. However I was still chanting in mandarin (reading the han yu pin yin) and thus I did not have much time to read the English interpretation at times.

After the ritual, when I was discussing with my friend, then I realised that she had said hers in English. Hmm, next time I shall read mine in English too. As of now, I only know the gist of the chants where I was paying homage to the 88 Buddhas as well as the typical stuff on the proper conduct we must have.

We also had our vegetarian lunch in the hall before we head back home. In my heart, I actually hope that through this ritual, I would help to gain some blessings for my just deceased grandpa (on the 95th day of his departure) as well as my other ancestors and lastly for the survivors too.

Source: Fo Guan Shan Melbourne

Forgotten sales technique

2 years has passed, since I taken these photos. At that time I was jobless, and directionless. I remember out of curiosity, I went to dabble roadshow sales and even telephone sales. In between, I went to help out World Vision with this event.

While managing the stall, I noticed the similarity of this event with the roadshow sales. Both requires me to approach the passer-by and create small talk with them. To elicit their interest and create an awareness to the event that I am supporting.

I still remember my sales mentor taught me that every time a passer-by passed you, if you stretch out your hand at an angle that he has to shake, then you have successfully stopped someone. The rest will then depend on your conversation technique.

How fluent is your conversation, depends on how frequent have you practiced your speech. We probably never knew (or at least I didn't know till I join them) that these roadshow salesman actually practiced their speech with each other, to perfect their skills. With more practice, you actually remember the product information better. Then you will feel less anxious when conversing with your potential audience. Also, with all these practices with your colleagues, you will have an exchange of various potential scenarios that you may encounter. This will bolster your confidence when you meet similar situations which you are prepared to react.

After that, I helped out with a few more volunteer events of various causes. I remember for eureka climb, I had to repeat the safety instructions to the participants which I had find it tough initially. But as I repeated it the tenth times, I realised it is no longer as tough as the first time.

And for the times I have to give out pamphlets to passer-by, I really noticed how it is easier to stop children and teenagers to accept your pamphlets and cutesy stuff as compared to the adults. Sometimes I do wonder why did the adults grew to say no more readily than to say yes. Are there too many pamphlets givers, roadshow agents and salesman badgering us? That the first thing we learn is to say no?

Looking back, I actually appreciate my short stint in sales as it allowed me to see behind the scenes. As I flip through the little booklet which I had been forced to take notes, I realised that even a good salesman need to work very hard to perfect his sales techniques. It's actually not just being thick-skinned though such a criteria probably would have helped you stop your potential audience.

As for back to Watato, after this event, I remember when I got back this job, the first thing I did, was to sponsor another child. Because I realised, sponsoring a child is still the easiest way to help these children. But if I can afford the time again, I hope to be able to spend some effort to participate in such events again. Even though I no longer remember what exactly happened 2 years ago, on that day, other than the beautiful outdoor performance which the children delivered.

These children are among 2 million boys and girls in Uganda who have had the tragic experience of losing one or both of their parents to HIV/AIDS, poverty or war.

Through their colorful and lively demonstration from their 'Concerts of Hope' performances, the Watoto Children's Choir hopes to move the hearts of Singaporeans as they share their stories of joy and hope, all in the hope to raise awareness of the plight of the vulnerable children affected by the devastating HIV/AIDS pandemic.

My last moments with grandpa

Day 620 has passed.

The day I learn one can actually changed her tickets 14 hours before her flight,
booked another ticket back 3 days later,
packed 7 hours before the flight
and arrived in the airport with just A backpack.

The day I learn that even with a backpack I must go to the check in counter and verify myself.

The day I learn what is the real meaning of travel light.

The day I learn that when someone passed away,
it is really without warning
and even if you wish he would leave later
perhaps a month later
he is still gone
and you have to learn what is applying urgent leave
and booking last minute flights.

Most importantly,
it is the day I learn that hunches are right.

Why I did not persist to make plans to go UK.
Why I was not able to accommodate my friends to stay in my apartment in Melbourne.
And why I had this sudden urge that I should buy that Miranda Orange Soft Drink for him
when he said he was craving for it.

It was my last glimpse of him.
It was the last thing I could do for him too.
I still remembered the last time I did something for him.. it was the 1777 call...
After that, the next time I did blog him, it was the drawing for Father's Day 2010
He was miles away then.
And I sometimes wondered if we did right to put him on so much medicine and invasive care.
Especially after reading "How Doctors Choose To Die" by Ken Murray

Torch was no doctor, but he knew he wanted a life of quality, not just quantity. Don't most of us? If there is a state-of-the-art of end-of-life care, it is this: death with dignity.

Had we put him in prolong pain?
Did he finally get his delayed relief?
Is he resting in peace now?

On Day 612, I had went to burn incense sticks as per my normal routine.
And I had prayed that he will be in peace.

On Day 629, 11 days after he departed, I had once again burnt another incense stick on Buddha day.
And this time, I wish he is happy with his new home.

R.I.P.