Amsterdam (1st Oct 2013 - 7th Oct 2013)

Typing on 5th Jan 2022 

Can one imagining reading the 2 page of handwritten notes... written like almost a decade ago. 

The knotted heart to throw or not throw away these handwritten notes. 

In the end I came to a conclusion to type it into this blogger which I have not logged in since COVID pandemic period either. 

I gave up a lot since COVID came into the world. My freedom, my travels, my life... I admit it had been a pandemic fatigue for me. 

And with the new wave of Omicron, it just feels like a prolonged nightmare for me. 

Anyway so about my handwritten notes... 

 Reach airport  

 This time I follow someone to the customs at another area and was spared the long Q (unlike the previous Frankfurt airport which was a terrible 1.5hours of waiting. Even the luggage had been removed from the conveyor belt. That was a business trip to SAP to study BRIM with a colleague. A topic that I studied but never put into any project... Many years later, I ended up in another topic - CPQ which I studied for the certification even and after which, was never put into any project again. Such is life.) 

 Found the Holland Tourist Info and realised they don't accept the 500 and 200 EURO bills. In the end Dad changed the 500 bill for a service charge of 5 euro (Useful experience as years later when I was based in Amsterdam for 2 years for a client project, I learnt never to bring such big EURO bills and always made the money changer give me in 50s only.) 

 Then check-in. Had to pay extra 30 for early check-in. (I remembered it was an AirBNB though so cannot recall why had to pay extra hmm. Oh well) 

 Took the train and walk a long way before finally reaching the apartment. Then nuah a long time. I nuah. Mummy as usual was busy cleaning the whole apartment. 

 Then walk back to Amsterdam Centraal and take the boat behind to go over the Eye. Nice place but Dad and Mum cannot appreciate the films. So did not spend much time. Walk one round, ate some bread and frites then walk back. (Many years later when I ended up my 2 years stint in Amsterdam, I would take this boat occasionally to the other side for fun.. those travel memories :S ) 

 Almost had an accident while walking to the bus stop. Think the motorcyclist is cursing me...Sigh. 

 Then walk to the library before finding a supermarket. 

 Finally rest. 

 Tomorrow a long day. 

 Day 2 - 2nd Oct 

 Visited a flower auction. Was very early due to the miscalculation in travel. The FloraHolland has amazing traffic though. But I don't grasp the Auction process. (Funny I never went back here years later though even though I kind of find this place amazing. Maybe I was too lazy to wake up early to catch the auction partly because I never stayed in Amsterdam Central.. was either in Almere or Amsterdam West or hmm, what was that hotel near Ikea?? Hmm... I really cannot believe those hotels I stayed previously...) 

 Then back to Amsterdam and check the AH (Albert Heijin) supermarket. (This was my go-to supermarket in that 2 years stint... but everything changed when I hated a gamer with this IGN. Funny though, lately, I no longer care about his existence either.. like I let go a lot of things in the gaming community...) 

 Then check the train ticket station. Before heading to the Library to eat and enjoy the city view @ 7th floor. (The library is always my favourite hangout . be it Melbourne library, Amsterdam Library... I miss going libraries)

 Before spending 3 hours at Nemo museum. They even had a sex station. 

 Then came home to change to warmer clothes for the night. Took a walk in Zeedjik (Chinatown) before going on a cruise. And then the Red Light district tour. I quite like it the previous time with CL so decided to bring my parents to one as well. Is an interesting night to spent with my parents in the Red Light district afterall. 

 I stop writing after this. Probably got lazy. I remember I did bring them to a couple more places.. maybe the zoo? And I remembered I tried a canabis lollipop which has no effect at all. Compared to the space cake I had previously with CL. 

 And years later when I tried the mushroom with my husband, I couldn't remember any effects either, no pretty hallucinations. Sadly. I once thought of trying it again before I leave but I never got around doing it ... time once lost can never be gained. 

 Is really surreal to recall all these memories of my parents while they are sleeping in the other room. This trip back, I realised they really sleep very early (imagine 8pm they are already tired). But that's because he wakes up 3am to prepare for work. Asking him to quit but somehow he is always worried what else can he do if he's not working I guess. A bit like me. I'm on leave until Jan 10th but I can't seem to enjoy my leave in peace either. But I'm not really a workaholic either cos I know I no longer give my 100% in work unlike pre-covid periods. A lot has change, in me, in my family... Just feeling this way...

Lessons learnt to be not okay

The Boy who fed on Nightmares

"Hurtful, painful memories.
Memories of deep regrets.
Memories of hurting and being hurt.
Memories of being abandoned.
Only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, more passionate and emotionally flexible.
And only those can attain happiness."

The Zombie Kid

What did the boy really want?
What did the mother really give?

The Cheerful Dog

Do I still remember how to cut my leash?
Do I have the courage to then cut my leash?

Finding the Real, Real Face

What the shadow witch had stolen from them was not their real, real faces but their courage to find happiness.

Will I be able to find back my courage to get back my real life then?

2020 Blessings

I actually did not look forward to the end of 2019.. or the beginning of 2020. Because I don't even know what I was looking for. Which is why I did not even make any Xmas greetings, something which I had done for the past few years.

It was only when Lazy messaged me Merry Xmas did I realised I had forgotten my yearly habit haha. Not sure why, as I get older, I seem to talk lesser and lesser. Nowadays the only people I talk regularly to is actually my game friends. Weird right? Is like I am living in my virtual world more these days. Maybe because I don't really like my real world. Or maybe I really don't know how to make my real world right.

At the last seconds though, I did finally send out a NY greetings and spam. To see who will reply me and who willn't. I guess is a way to clean up my contacts if I ever want to.

Lastly, I saw this from my game saying "The first 3 blessings you spot will fall upon you this 2020!"
And I do like what I saw haha, so maybe I finally can look forward to 2020 now.


Source: Maplestory FB

p/s: The 3 blessings I saw are "Money, Success & Peace" haha. All which I welcome :)

空恨別夢久

趙方婧 - 《芒种》

一想到你我就
wu~~~~
空恨別夢久
wu~~~~
燒去紙灰埋煙柳

於鮮活的枝丫
凋零下的無暇
是收穫謎底的代價

餘暉沾上 遠行人的發
他灑下手中牽掛
於橋下
前世遲來者~~~（擦肩而過）
掌心刻~~~~~（來生記得）
你眼中煙波滴落一滴墨 wo~~~
若佛說~~~~~（無牽無掛）
放下執著~~~~~（無相無色）
我怎能 波瀾不驚 去附和

一想到你我就
wu~~~~~
恨情不壽 總於苦海囚
wu~~~~~
新翠徒留 落花影中游
wu~~~~~
相思無用 才笑山盟舊
wu~~~~~
謂我何求

種一萬朵蓮花
在眾生中發芽
等紅塵一萬種解答

念珠落進 時間的泥沙
待 割捨詮釋慈悲
的讀法

前世遲來者~~~（擦肩而過）
掌心刻~~~~~（來生記得）
你眼中煙波滴落一滴墨 wo~~~
若佛說~~~~~（無牽無掛）
放下執著~~~~~（無相無色）
我怎能 波瀾不驚 去附和

一想到你我就
wu~~~~~
恨情不壽 總於苦海囚
wu~~~~~
新翠徒留 落花影中游
wu~~~~~
相思無用 才笑山盟舊
wu~~~~~
謂我何求

Bflygal's comments:
When you find yourself talking more to your game friends than your real friends, do you ponder what exactly has happened to your life?
These days, I been thinking, how did I play this game for so long. Well I did have a track record to play Neopets for years, or even ILoveCoffee.. And I also know that even if I quit what I'm playing now, I might end up finding new game again.
It's funny cos now that we have all reached level 170s and 180s, we are all starting to feel like retiring. It's even funny that these are people who I been playing with for almost a year, and when I was deleting my screenshots, I really could see the growth of my character, and theirs.
Imagine screenshots like when I first joined my first guild, or when I first encountered a guild being disbanded..
Or that 3 month's ago I attended their in-game wedding and that they are just collecting their first 100-day reward.
But I guess the ultimate is when this song was recommended by my game friend. And that I actually found people who I can relate to. I don't know their age or background as I always kept a wall in between no matter what. It's a game afterall right. But this song really smitten me. Maybe because I no longer have Sagittarius friend to recommend me songs. So I treasure this even more?
In any case, I have no regrets...

另一種開始

听惯了黃齡-《靈魂伴侶》澳语版，今天偶然发现有中文版。。。

在此记下歌词：

另一種開始

詞：沈松   
曲：田昌燁(JCY) / 尹賑孝


終於還是
我慢慢地 放開了堅持
微微笑
也許能
換個方式 重新再開始
這樣也許更好

你我的世界
一進一退 在妥協
我以為 我付出
你會有感覺
總是在
默默假想 你會不會
忽然心疼我

換一種方式 去愛
變成朋友
換一個角色 存在
躲開了傷害
對不起
不是我們愛的對白
早該換成坦白

換一種角度 對待
距離拉開
換一種心情 關懷
也許都釋懷
心解開
讓彼此相處變愉快
從心開始

感性的世界
理智被任性忽略
以為不顧一切
你會有感覺
總是在
默默假想 你會不會
忽然的愛我

換一種方式 去愛
變成朋友
換一個角色 存在
躲開了傷害
對不起
不是我們愛的對白
早該換成坦白

換一種角度 對待
距離拉開
換一種心情 關懷
也許都釋懷
心解開
讓彼此相處變愉快
從心開始

Bflygal's comments:
It's like any other typical 2019 day, another day where I will just cry for no reason, laugh for no reason, sulk for no reason. Age really can make one so emotional? Last Saturday, seeing a 3-generation family out for lunch can also invoke tears from me. I worry every day how much more time do I really have to hold on to this precious current state. And I am grateful for every morning messages received. I guess let's treasure every day but be prepared should there be a different beginning one day.

Suddenly I remember the other song for this drama.. A-Lin《世世》澳语版
我要看破吉與凶。。。
我要看破吉與凶。。。
世世相擁

Can you see... Can you hear...

曲:鄺靜欣 詞:Wayne James 編:朱俊傑 監:何哲圖/朱俊傑 Can you see Light in my eyes Like a child waiting for Christmas The stars in the sky Watch as I sigh Can you see what they see? Look at the trees They're swaying They feel the touch of the breeze They overheard My whispered words Can you hear what I'm saying? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong? It can't be that long Before you stop And feel what I'm feeling The stars and trees will always be As I love you so Can you see? Look at the clouds They're waking Stretch in the warmth of the sun They watch us and smile And linger a while Can you see the hearts they're making? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong It can’t be that long Before you look And feel what I'm feeling The sun and clouds will always be As I love you so Can you see? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong It can't be that long Before you stop And feel what I'm feeling Like all these things will always be Yes, I love you, so Can you see?

曲：鄺靜欣 詞：Wayne James 編：朱俊傑 監：何哲圖 / 朱俊傑 Can you hear me Whispering your name? Do you feel me Lying beside you? Even though we're apart Can you hear my beating heart? It's sending a message to you Can you hear me Calling out your name? In that moment Hoping we will treasure How she drifted us apart That space in my heart Will always be a heaven for you Please don't go Please don't go When we lie together Hearts keep time forever Oh Please don't go Please don't go away Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me? Can you hear me Whispering your name? Do you feel me Lying beside you? Even though we're apart Can you hear my beating heart? It's sending a message to you Can you hear me Crying out your name? In that moment Reflect in each other Shall we pick up the parts? That space in my heart Can only hold a picture of you Please don't go Please don't go When we lie together Hearts keep time forever Oh Please don't go Please don't go away Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me? Wrapped in your arms Safe from love's harm When we lie together Hearts could cry forever I need you tonight In darkness I fight Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me?

Bflygal's comments:
Too much.. too much... "Can you hear" keeps repeating in almost every single episode that it really can drive one crazy haha.

While I ponder about the reality of this medical politics, I am surprised that for once, there is really no clear-cut good or evil. Both male leads are equally clever, well connected, and well loved by all. And obviously stubborn because all smart people are dictators in their own ways and steadfast in what they want. Just see how many dictators I have in my current political project to know how much politics I have been embroiled in for the last few months.

As for the medical scenes.. as usual I always wonder why they call the surgical instruments in English. I cannot remember if I ever asked DOC such question. But ya it's been a long time since I watched a medical drama.

Anyway what I find interesting is "Can you hear" was a 'sequel' of "Can you see". But the feeling both songs gave are world's apart. Maybe the drama affected my perception of this song? But I'm happy to see 唐诗咏 finally a lead too. It's been too long... too long... :)

Looking back

This is my second week home. It was a last minute plan. Logically I'm not sure why I am going back AMS. Project prognosis has been pessimistic. Not that I don't look forward to being on the bench, so long I'm not required to report to office though. But still it makes me wonder what had I given for the last 3 years if this was going to be the outcome.

Still remember my very first project with this company. It too did not went life. Since then, this is probably my so-called 3rd implementation project and based on my track record, looks like I'm failing more than succeeding.

So it's been alot of mapling to take my mind off. Procrastination at its best. And then I decided to go back home for 2 weeks. To perhaps tidy my room.

And I had high hopes. To pack and made KH bring back some stuff. But it did not happen :(
It was only the second week that I finally go through my letters, and all the barang barang. Can you imagine I still have the rejected blank paper from CBLC days which I kept to recycle. Or the wires whose products I cannot remember. I even found my Creative MP3 player which proudly says 'Made in Singapore'.

So what are the other interesting snippets?

• The number of philips monitor stands dad had to buy as I keep breaking the stand. And that it costs 7 SGD. 
• My red ruby bought from Pluto cost me 2288 SGD. I don't really know what happened to it already though as the casing in my room right now is the boring yellowish white. And I think it is an empty shell which is why I was trying to pack the wires nicely for printer, scanner and external HD. 
• Samsung CD-Rom cost 65 SGD. Now I don't even have a CD rom reader though for all the CDs. Makes me wonder if I should still keep these CDs hmm.
• I think my first internet cable subscription with Starhub was in 2002. Almost 20 years ago. And the monthly subscription was 76 SGD. I was even using my super aged e-mail: begonia@singnet.com.sg. Which has probably disintegrated into dust in the internet world (I sincerely hope).
• I even found my first laptop manuals and tax invoice with warranty card intact. And that laptop costs me 2299 + 3% GST = 2367.87 SGD which is probably a lot of money for a poor university student. I don't remember if I took a loan though haha. And OMG GST was 3% then. How much things have rose for the past decade. Not sure what I did with my laptop but 80% I probably recycled them into some e-waste bins.
• Found a stack of Herballife invoices. Well considering the Herballife bag is still kept intact, I'm not surprised. But I did ponder from Nuskin (It was Lazy doing it though that time) to some BCG or something, to Forever Living Product to Herballife. I have decided to clear the bag and recycle all the Herballife booklets though. I think I should have some of the Forever Living Products stuff somewhere too. Perhaps will hunt for them tomorrow as well.

I was also trying to keep my SRM certification (sigh reminiscent that it will be replaced just like the owner) and saw some other old school letters about my profile and what career will suit me. Funny how when one grows up and look at her achievements, only to realize it is so far away from her intended ambitions during school day. But even laughable is the fact she put 'System Analyst' or 'Volunteer'. The other bitter laugh happened when I saw my diary. Not sure which year was that but all the entries about this guy I like who has forgotten my birthday though. These un-requited love probably trained me early to choose to be loved and not to love any more I guess. It made me curious for a moment that I went to stalk some of my past relations in the FB. Is weird that we are all linked in FB, but I hardly ever try to contact them or connect them even sometimes. Yet I always had 2 questions in mind when looking at my past. Are they married, and how many children they have already. And then I will think they are blessed to have chosen that path instead.

I had one extra question in mind, which has been bugging me for a few months already. Did Doc changed name? And many times I wanted to ask Doc. Times when I'm back and I see the drawings or booklets, I will wonder more too. But should I really ask? Has age tamed my impulsive nature?

A butterflygalz of very little brain

Before the year ends, I thought to at least end it with a post of thoughtful quotes from....

Christopher Robin Movie :)

It's a no brainer that it will be THE movie I planned to watch on my flight back.

Especially when it started with young Christopher Robin and Pooh conversation about what do they like to do best?

And Christopher said what he likes doing best is Nothing.

And he goes on to describe it as when people call out asking you, "What are you going to do Christopher Robin?" And you say "Oh, nothing". And then you go ahead and do it.

Haha.
Is like you just continue with what you want to do, ignoring the noises.

Because as what Pooh later explains, "Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something".

Though it was rather funny when Pooh thought that "People say 'Nothing is impossible', but I do nothing every day."
That makes me wonder then if he really knows what is 'Nothing' now hmm.
But then do I know what is 'Nothing' too? Like is retirement considered 'Nothing'. And can I really do 'Nothing' this year (and then go ahead to do it still?)

I guess this is back to my life's biggest question - where is my path?

Pooh says 'I always get to where I'm going by walking away from where I have been."

But I feel my issue is I do not know where I have been though. :(

Of which Pooh then advises, 'Sometimes when I'm going somewhere, I wait. And then somewhere comes to me."

Just like how Pooh's door lead him to London to where the adult Christopher Robin is. Saying 'I suppose it's right where it needs to be'. I guess that is how that somewhere comes to him. Will I get to see my own door to open soon then?

Sigh, I know Pooh is telling me to be patient. Though I begrudged Pooh's infinite patience, for 2019, I guess I just have to be like Eeyore, to go with the flow... to the waterfall... because can't change the inevitable.

With that Merry Xmas & Happy 2019
Hope the coming year is a joyful ride :)

G-stress

Been having panic attacks for the last couple of months where you think the world will collapse when it is just the system build breaks down. Sometimes I am thankful I am in IT and not Medic because system is dead anyway. But precisely because system cannot talk so it did not tell me we are all building in silos and that it is not integrating. Thus all the process just crumble before your eyes.

And so with the world (process) crumbling , (which if I look back a decade later it does not even matter to me), I took to 2 things to cool myself down everytime my heart is in pain or I am vomitting blood. 

1. A shower at 4 because all the meetings start after that and I don't even have any time to breath. (Not complaining because it is better than me being in NL where the day starts at 7 for me and I don't even get to drink water until it ends at 7).

2. Gaming!

And looking at the amount of games I'm playing this week...

- I Love Coffee (which I stopped this year already after so many years)

- Brown Farm (which I ban it now only because it refuse to give me the Peter Rabbit Line stickers saying the event is not for Asia region unfortunately)

- Tsum Tsum (which I installed when I met BJ in CNY and she mentioned about it. But she quit cos she's busy.. with an addition so take care gal!)

- Pokemon Go (which I install back because of the 'Add Friend' feature and someone asked me for my code. So been back to that for a few months though it is getting tough as I'm always stuck at home so how to get poke-stops sigh...)

And the very recent game... Maplestory M. 

Is like OMG, did I really went back to Maplestory again. And chose Bishop again. And started this whole quest again. 

Still remember the days where I played it with LAZY back in uni days. The story was definitely different now but I was told that there's been a few variations in Maplestory (PC version) since I left with different lore. I didn't even know 'lore' this word. I'm such a gaming noob after all these years.

The dinos that collect my drops reminded me of those shortcuts I had to hacked on the PC to be able to auto pick up all the drops. But the ultimate nostalgia is the mini dungeon because it is exactly the botting scenario I used to do. Gathering all the mons to a corner for me to kill and get all the exp. And I remember the days where that corner must be discreet and I must not be caught else once reported, I might get banned. Oh well everybody knows I don't play fair, and that I have always like to wear the grey hat sometimes. I might not be the hard core, but I will find means to make use of the hardcore hacker's tools to make my gaming life easier. 

I mean see the trail of my history, from maplestory, pet society, pokemon (when it first came out and all the loopholes one can exploit), tsum tsum.... I have not yet tried to bot Maplestory M because I'm still waiting to see if i want to retire in 'glory' after a week's play. And because I have not run out of my auto-battle time.

Ok back to G-stressing.... 

教我看世界的勇气 , 把最好的我交给爱我的手里

最好的 - 于文文&伊一
作词：李怡萱
作曲：于文文
联合创作：伊一

于：
红了的眼睛
你将我的手放在掌心
没太多言语
你的爱一向沉默安静
那一些倔强的任性
那被宠坏的孩子气
留在我的房间里
随时随地家都在这里

伊：
教我认识自己
教我看世界的勇气
把最好的我交给爱我的手里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
当成长写着日记
快乐悲伤我都珍惜
在最好的时刻里遇见了爱情
认真的练习认真沉溺
想在一起 

于：
关上了耳语
爱和我约定放心相信
满天的星星
太多的愿望触不可及

伊：
唯一如信仰般确定
是爱情动人的语气
能让我专心聆听
风和日丽都变成风景

于：
学着不只自己
学两人世界的勇气
看最好的我走进爱我的心里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
任时间筛出默契
一颗真心多不容易
在最好的时刻里酿成了爱情
醉人的微醺醉人着迷
想在一起 

于：
教我认识自己
教我看世界的勇气
把最好的我交给爱我的手里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
当成长写着日记
快乐悲伤我都珍惜
在最好的时刻里遇见了爱情
认真的练习认真沉溺

伊：
想在一起 于：
不再犹豫 伊：
想在一起 于：
说我愿意

于文文 say the first half of the song is a love letter of a daughter to the dad, and the second half is a love letter to the daughter's groom. I was particularly touched especially when 伊一  shared her father's letter to her, on growing up and on wedding. And I thought of my dad when I hear this song. All the reasons why I chose this path now is because of him. I always remember that scene "看最好的我走进爱我的心里 让幸福继续陪着前进".

Thank you dad. And may you be forever blessed. 

我年幼时坚持过什么

I always know song writing is tough even though I don't have the music talent. But watching the season <<无限歌谣季>> really prove how tough it is to turn someone who don't know how to sing into someone who can sing, write and maybe even dance.

Yesterday when I watched the second song written by 薛之谦 & 杨迪 again, I went back to find the first song he wrote with 岳云鹏. If I could, I would have downloaded Kugou but sadly country restrictions. Because I think I'm smitten by him haha. He has a pained look whenever he is not being funny. And a tough past which probably contributed to his pained look. All (talented) musicians probably have wider spectrum of their emotions. Maybe that's why they easily fall into the abyss of depression.

Funny that I don't have any talent but I can if I don't control myself, fall into such abyss of depression. That's why sometimes I do ask myself,

我年幼时坚持过什么， 我现在又在坚持什么呢？
还好大家匆忙没人管。。。
我疲倦的灵魂重演着, 醒来后继续活着。

p/s: No matter what risks I raised, the project will continue to repeat its mistakes. This is the reality, of how ambitious powerful people thinks they can make fast food style system implementation in this upcoming 21st century. I shudder to think of the 22nd century. GA, please, I don't wish to re-incarnate.

醒来 (Live)
- 薛之谦/岳云鹏
词：薛之谦/岳云鹏
曲：薛之谦
编曲：黎偌天

薛：
我莫名又来了孤独感
可城市分明人山车海
有一片树叶在飘过来
证明了 我的存在

岳：
我抱怨着生活的艰难
 嘲笑着别人的勇敢
要喝醉了助兴谈离散
展示出 我的难堪
那羡慕的烟火去哪了
那信任的朋友疏远了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得

 薛：
我轻狂的样子被席卷了
我心爱的姑娘她不等了
在生活里换来了什么
这一切值不值得

岳：
所以 请你 同意
我回去拿个行李

 薛： 如果可以 我想找回我自己

岳：
我嬉笑后怎么会伤感
还好大家匆忙没人管
谁不想有退路或依靠感
让思念入土为安

薛：
我面具已泛不出情感
感谢你赐我窒息感
让我们看上去不太艰难
心里还留着期盼

合：
我沙滩的城堡去哪了
我捍卫的小草枯萎了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得
 我自私的样子生长着
我内心的斗争停止了
我现在又变成了什么

薛： 这么做值不值得
岳： 所以 请你 同意
薛： 我回去拿个行李

合：
我疲倦的灵魂重演着
我沧桑的肉体缝补了
我梦境里追逐着什么
醒来后哭着笑了
醒来后继续活着

告訴自己 我要堅強

Bell 宇田
我们

記得從前的那個走廊
你搭著我的肩膀
是我一生 最好的時光
因為有你我勇敢夢想
哪怕千萬人阻擋
朋友是一種信仰

 * 好想 輕輕靠在
你的身旁 和從前一樣
不去 任何地方
只要有你 都是天堂
我的心事你幫我收藏
你頭髮我幫你綁
一起經過了憂傷
為何 眼光放得這麼長
如果最好 就在身旁

Repeat *
 好想 牽著你們
走在街上 看人來人往
就算 白髮蒼蒼
也要記得 那老地方
今天晚上我卸下了妝
看著自己的臉龐
告訴自己 我要堅強

I heard this song on 2nd June, on a train to Amsterdam Muiderpoort. The first train station I alighted a decade ago after the snow storm with my friend CL.

I have been thinking a lot of things. From friendship, work, love, marriage... I wondered, and i pondered as this song repeats again and again.

These days, I give up alot on family and friends because of the huge amount of work and stress. To the extent I worry daily, if i will die of overwork like the Japanese do. I worry about the pain on the left of my chest daily. I worry about the lack of sleep. And I think about the past where I have my friends to support me then.

How do I resolve this vicious life cycle? How will GA guide me? When I lost my wallet the next day (3rd June)... the very first time I lost a wallet.. and in a foreign country... I started reflecting. Has life brought me to such a state that I am incapable of even performing my every day duties. I am grateful that GA still protected me (I think). At least I only lost a credit card and an ov card. I dont remember what else is in the wallet other than cash and receipts. And because I got tired that I gave up collecting receipts, it felt I got tired of living and spending too.

It took me one week... and I still question myself every day... why did I lost my wallet. Is it so that I dont lose my sanity and thus this is just a pre-warning.

Month of June, where I take leave every mon & fri to force myself to rest.
Will I get the respite I need desperately? Do I know what life is installed for me? Can I find my path?

25th June update:
After taking 3 days off, I cancelled the rest of my last 2 week leave ... To be taken in Aug :)

Pitch and the power of suggestion

Is not about yanny or laurel fab that i'm posting this.. is about what Ellen said about "Hearing the exact same thing and then hear something completely different"... 

Which is my life story in this project.

I mean how often would I meet people who hear the same things as me, and yet come blaming me that I did not KT him?

Or read the same emails, and then come asking me to please response again when I did 5 minutes ago

But then actually the focus of Ellen video (to me) is all about pitch and the power of suggestion.

And I'm so going to use that next week, though I simply hate, dread that flight to that country to face those people who makes my blood boil and who chases me daily over a new tracker (imagine a list of NOT YET - sprint ready, UAT and now Closed tasks). Is like a never ending marathon seriously. Who needs running exercises when I'm running everyday from these tasks now.

But back to this laurel and yanny fab. What scares me most is that no matter how much brain wash I gave myself, telling my brain the correct answer is laurel... I just kept hearing yanny. I tried the pitch method, the brain wash method but it still don't work for me. Have I stayed out of my motherland too long that brainwashing doesn't work for me anymore?

凡所有相，皆是虚妄

从前，有个书生，他喜欢上尚府的千金
他们两情相悦，准备打算成亲了
但这位千金，却突然悔婚
书生很难过，伤心欲绝

然后他遇到了一个和尚
和尚听了他的事情，就掏出了一块镜子让他看
说，你看看你们的前世

有一个姑娘，遇贼被劫，暴尸荒野
期间，有三个男人经过
第一个男人，看了一眼，走了
第二个男人，看到姑娘尸体衣冠不整，很可怜
于是脱下了自己身上的衣服，盖住了姑娘
第三个男人，眼看姑娘暴尸荒野很可怜
于是，挖了一个坑，把姑娘埋葬了

和尚对书生说，镜中的姑娘便是你的未婚妻
而你，是那第二个男人
前世，你对姑娘有恩，所以你会和她有一段缘
是她欠你的
但她始终嫁给了第三个男人
因为，第三个男人对她恩义更重
她决定要以身相许

I was never interested in 《夸世代》until episode 32. When it repeated the story that I heard before. Which I always pondered about the significance of it on my life. And I remembered I tried to repeat this story before to...

武功分三个境界，见自己，见天地，见众生
修行也是这样，一开始，我我我，放眼远望后，方可以看到其他人

Is been a 2 years plus since I stay in Singapore with sufficient time (very judgmental on that) to arrange to meet people. And the last 2 weeks, the people I met were indeed of a wide range. I still met some of my regulars like my jap gals & my unimate-cum-colleague or my docent friend.

Then I had to meet 1 ex-colleagues who was upset with me for not sharing the good news. And which I am very touched by his kind gesture. his family had played a very significant part in my life in Melbourne and those days were very precious.

And then I met the friend I made at Domain Interchange. Another lady who also played a significant part in Melbourne too.

But what amazed me is to meet 2 other friends whom i haven't seen for a decade. I happen to be playing with the DIY coaster and decided to take a photo and send to the creator. Couldn't remember the last time we met though that was when we were both working already. After she gave up helping the family business and move into private sector, So I never met her till now.

The most amazing story though had to be my cap fren. Someone whom I haven't seen for 15 years i think. Funny that when I saw him, i just started talking like normal. And he had to remind me that we haven't met for a long time already. These are school friends who were part of my growing phase.

Am I feeling old? Perhaps because is the year again.

In any case, I feel blessed. GA always give me good friends at various stages who will advise me to the extent of nagging at me too. Like the recent one which I had just wrote a sinterklass poem to :

The first introduction letter was formal and showed your politeness The first video meeting was expensive but showed your willingness to help The first house visit was a surprise and showed your warmth But it was your constant nagging that made me realise you really are a good friend.

It was my first sinterklass poem but I did not get to see his reaction because he was not at his desk. The team said he shed a tear when he read the poem though haha. We all know personally I should leave, but professionally, I cannot leave. And thus the only other way is to keep chasing me to sleep or try not to harass me with lots of meetings.

I really do appreciate all these people who walked into my life. They make me stop to see the bigger picture.

TA GA!

Blogger new feature - BloggED?

Snapchat automatically delete messages once they’ve been viewed or have expired.

Instagram has "Stories" that let you add text and emoji to disappearing videos that only last for 24 hours.

WhatsApp has "Status," a new feature that's designed to let users share videos, photos, and GIFs that expire in 24 hours.

Maybe Blogger also has 'BloggED', where posts get published for 1 week before it gets deleted.

Either that or my eyes must be seeing things when I no longer saw that post today.

But hey, I'm giving Blogger a good idea right?

Fake a smile

Guess what, I actually don't know who she was till I googled 29+1. And I only wanted to google that because I wanted to find the actual play by Kearan Pang. But I was impressed by Joyce Cheng & Chrissie Chau's acting nonethless.

To say I love this movie, is unlikely. I mean I past that 1st round already. Still remember on Thursday when the 23 year old youngster kept asking everybody (and I meant everybody whether dames en heren) their age to confirm he is the baby, and I actually told him I'm 40. But he had to ask again and I told the actual age. I should have stick with 40 but I didn't want to be the oldest in the group haha. However I think I'm at this stage where I should start preparing to be on my second stage.

But if I really do hit 40, then my accomplishments are pretty pathetic. No children, no career. And no excuses to make on why either have failed. Just like those 29+1 year old girls gathering and talking about marriage or start of the career, I have also been part of gatherings where the talk is always about babies, how to look after them etc, or the peak of their career. Life is challenging when one needs to measure up. So half the time I turned hermit not because I'm not confident of myself but because I'm not fated to be either of the roles. Or at least I told CL that one needs to be fated even to be a mum (even if it is a single mum which so many movies have been on it and making it sound so simple like a risk-free operation. Watched Love Contractually starring Sammi Cheng and you will know it is not that simple.)

Talking about Love Contractually, that is indeed another movie for the 40s ladies. Peak of the career, single who then decided to looking for a tadpole. Failed that but found true love (too happily ever after ending if you asked me). And I guess all women converge in their thinking after a certain age.

Anyway whether 29+1 or 39+1, I guess the most important thing is to learn how to fake a smile, fake a frown. I remembered that scene where Chrissie Chau repeatedly said 'Don't want to go to work' while washing her face, eating breakfast and then putting make-up. But the moment she finished dressing up, she faked a smile and told herself 'Ready for work'.

I know there has been too many suicides of artistes due to depression and that the first sign of depression probably is something like this scene. But then unfortunately most of us have the same symptom of not wanting to get out of the bed (unless we constantly count our lucky stars that we have a choice to get out) because we are too self-conscious of our own selves. But I'm sure we are not all creative genius who will end up becoming tortured genius. 

Premium economy experience

It's been a while since I caught sunrise. Just that I was lazy to change my seat partly because it was full and since it was first row I thought it will be easy to get out. Apparently no because the neighbour was a Dutch (i.e. long legs). But still I thank my lucky stars because this flight which was bought by client, was a premium economy after all. So more seat space, better headset and supposedly different food. It's funny that my last article was on the Gold card, and now I'm on premium economy experience. It's even funnier that with better headset, yet I chose to sleep half the time. I am really lacking of sleep I guess. And the jetlag will kick in again, sigh :( . 

Still remember 3 weeks ago when I was on my first flight in premium economy, at the check-in counter I was asked if I am a premium economy passenger. And the guy was strict cos when the next group came and they weren't, he told them off that you don't just find the shortest Q to queue. 

So I got the prestige of skipping long queues again which I guess is indeed a good thing as taking 2 long haul flights is really no kidding business. But I wondered constantly, why was I booked in Cathay when my colleagues got SQ flights. At least it will accumulate my krisflyer and get me THAT gold card again? In preparation for my next 6 months of long haul flights?

Frankly speaking, the last time in HKG was almost a decade ago. It changed my life and I thought at that time, that will be the start of a new beginning. But I ended that story for reasons I might not be clear at and I cannot be regretful for. Because it was my choice. That doesn't stop me from wishing to know how Doc is. Especially in the last 3 flights, where I kept wondering if the captain is Doc's brother. One more flight to go, and probably one more last wondering. 

Next week will finally be the last week in Melbourne. Maybe I will try to call. Maybe I will lose the courage to hold the call. But for now let's try to do some HK shopping because I really don't see myself dropping by HK anymore as it hurts as much as Melbourne too. Next 6 months, change of continent, I hope I will be happier and then I hope my wish will come true soon. 

Does Gold Card matters?

The email came when I least expected it and in some sense it is gratifying news because of the waiting time I had to spend in the airport due to the intense flying I had planned (again my poor planning)

Ego defined by the external is the most common kind and the most flimsy. Because how the world responds to you affect your ego.

What I hope to attain is the internal ego defined by my own terms. To focuse on what makes me happy and forget the rest.. and hopefully everything sorts out itself.

p/s: Picking up another old draft to finally publish it. Written on 20th July 2011. I don't remember what photo I had wanted to post already cos the link was broken. But it's been 2 years since I lost THE gold card. Sometimes I might remember to use the other Priority Pass that comes with 2 free visits. But most of the time, I no longer care. I know there was a period of time I will play pokemon in airports and thus do not wish to be tied to one place. And other times I will be so sleepy I just made my way straight to the gate and wait outside till it is open. Perhaps I did finally lost that ego that was defined by many. Though sometimes boarding the plane is a pain that I wish I still have my Gold. Regardless what boarding group I am in, people no longer follow instructions. And maybe I should stop flying so much so I wouldn't have the chance to complain about this even and just enjoy it when I do fly. But it amazes me that re-visiting a 6 years old post, the mindset really change. Will re-visiting the memories change the relationship too? Mum had once in a while wants me to ask the Doc questions. But each time, it is Google that replied her. Sooner or later she will sense something. I guess just have to blame me this unfilial daughter for not being around their side and yet still unable to ease their worries away.

Second goodbye to Melbourne

The first goodbye was 4 years ago. I remembered most left and I was extended for 2 more weeks. Plus the base team that stayed.

To come back Melbourne again a second time, 2 years ago, I thought it wouldn't last long. At that time, I had already gave up a life here because my mind couldn't make it work no matter how I think. But I guess I had been too optimistic that the friendship can still work. When it broke down, everytime I see this book, it pained me. And so at my previous trip here, I finally decided to give it away .. back to Melbourne where it came from.

I think my body system must have been giving me some foretelling too. Even till this trip, the moment I reached, the eczema came back within a week. I no longer cherish any hope of running here anymore because the back of the knees are just too raw and itch easily no matter how much lotion or coconut oil I tried. The only relief I had is the cortisone cream I brought along which I always hated to use after what she once told me that it contains steroid and I might gain weight.

And with all these signs, today I should have gone back home for good. But the project stress was taking so much toil again that I once again extended myself for 2 more weeks and decided to fly to NL straight from here. Bad decision I know. But I have taken so many bad decisions, I no longer think 1 more matters anymore. Perhaps cos I always tell myself it is the last time I will do the client this last favour. Or because it did came as a surprise that this was supposed to be my last trip considering I had extended the invitation to my dad to visit in Aug and consume his air ticket privilege while he still has them. But then he has also reached a stage where travelling doesn't matter to him anymore (much like me) and probably is just pondering when he wants to retire and nurse his health properly.

In any case, probably the week in Aug, I will then feel the impact of this heavy heart that I will really leave this place for good already. If I ever come back Down Under in the next decade, it will never be Melbourne or Sydney anymore because these memories pained me so much that I now only hide at home on weekends and work if my colleagues did not asked me out. But I'm glad to still have gone back to Prahran twice already and relieved those initial memories.

I think I am still hoping for a salvation. Thus I'm writing this. I don't know. Perhaps, let's end this post and get back to work instead. Goodbye.

Yoshi Thermos story

3 weeks ago my client cum colleague mentioned that I have a bottle with her all these while that she kept forgetting to return to me. I stared at her blankly. And she said when she bring it, I will remember.

A week later she brought it to office but I still stared at her blankly. She said it was back in my Prahran days. I used to make lots of stuff then, ice cream, failed cookies, desserts. I did remember making fungus drink for her but I don't remember what I used to store for her. I remember I did stole a thermo from the Tasmania house but I don't remember how it look like. And somehow staring at this yoshi looking thermos flask, I felt yoshi saying it's familiar... but I don't remember how he look like.

Is that what is happening to me now? The past getting blurry. Every time I'm back in Melbourne, the heart aches, and the skin hurts. This is probably the worst bout of eczema as this time I even get it on the chin and my neck and I can't seem to ease it after 3 weeks already. No one seems to take me seriously though when I say I really cannot stay in Melbourne for long :(. It keeps getting worst that I fear for my life one day.. just kidding.

Anyway I finally decided to bring yoshi thermos home after 1 week of staring at it on my work desk. I guess it distracts me too much to think of the past during work. And while washing it, I actually kinda 'broke' the mouthpiece. And I seem to hear this phrase in the back of my mind saying, I always break things. Tried to fix it but it refused to pop up. And I started paralleling it to the fact that I wasn't able to fix the relationship either.

But a few days later, the mouthpiece suddenly popped up. Sigh. Unfortunately I don't know if I will live to see the day the relationship suddenly fix on its own. Right now I only want to know how to remove my stress so as to stop the itch and the flare-ups. It is such a vicious cycle though cos the redness is the cause of my depression and stress too :(.