Can you see... Can you hear...

曲:鄺靜欣 詞:Wayne James 編:朱俊傑 監:何哲圖/朱俊傑 Can you see Light in my eyes Like a child waiting for Christmas The stars in the sky Watch as I sigh Can you see what they see? Look at the trees They're swaying They feel the touch of the breeze They overheard My whispered words Can you hear what I'm saying? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong? It can't be that long Before you stop And feel what I'm feeling The stars and trees will always be As I love you so Can you see? Look at the clouds They're waking Stretch in the warmth of the sun They watch us and smile And linger a while Can you see the hearts they're making? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong It can’t be that long Before you look And feel what I'm feeling The sun and clouds will always be As I love you so Can you see? Maybe I am only dreaming So what if I'm wrong It can't be that long Before you stop And feel what I'm feeling Like all these things will always be Yes, I love you, so Can you see?

曲：鄺靜欣 詞：Wayne James 編：朱俊傑 監：何哲圖 / 朱俊傑 Can you hear me Whispering your name? Do you feel me Lying beside you? Even though we're apart Can you hear my beating heart? It's sending a message to you Can you hear me Calling out your name? In that moment Hoping we will treasure How she drifted us apart That space in my heart Will always be a heaven for you Please don't go Please don't go When we lie together Hearts keep time forever Oh Please don't go Please don't go away Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me? Can you hear me Whispering your name? Do you feel me Lying beside you? Even though we're apart Can you hear my beating heart? It's sending a message to you Can you hear me Crying out your name? In that moment Reflect in each other Shall we pick up the parts? That space in my heart Can only hold a picture of you Please don't go Please don't go When we lie together Hearts keep time forever Oh Please don't go Please don't go away Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me? Wrapped in your arms Safe from love's harm When we lie together Hearts could cry forever I need you tonight In darkness I fight Please tell I'd like to know can you hear me?

Bflygal's comments:
Too much.. too much... "Can you hear" keeps repeating in almost every single episode that it really can drive one crazy haha.

While I ponder about the reality of this medical politics, I am surprised that for once, there is really no clear-cut good or evil. Both male leads are equally clever, well connected, and well loved by all. And obviously stubborn because all smart people are dictators in their own ways and steadfast in what they want. Just see how many dictators I have in my current political project to know how much politics I have been embroiled in for the last few months.

As for the medical scenes.. as usual I always wonder why they call the surgical instruments in English. I cannot remember if I ever asked DOC such question. But ya it's been a long time since I watched a medical drama.

Anyway what I find interesting is "Can you hear" was a 'sequel' of "Can you see". But the feeling both songs gave are world's apart. Maybe the drama affected my perception of this song? But I'm happy to see 唐诗咏 finally a lead too. It's been too long... too long... :)

Looking back

This is my second week home. It was a last minute plan. Logically I'm not sure why I am going back AMS. Project prognosis has been pessimistic. Not that I don't look forward to being on the bench, so long I'm not required to report to office though. But still it makes me wonder what had I given for the last 3 years if this was going to be the outcome.

Still remember my very first project with this company. It too did not went life. Since then, this is probably my so-called 3rd implementation project and based on my track record, looks like I'm failing more than succeeding.

So it's been alot of mapling to take my mind off. Procrastination at its best. And then I decided to go back home for 2 weeks. To perhaps tidy my room.

And I had high hopes. To pack and made KH bring back some stuff. But it did not happen :(
It was only the second week that I finally go through my letters, and all the barang barang. Can you imagine I still have the rejected blank paper from CBLC days which I kept to recycle. Or the wires whose products I cannot remember. I even found my Creative MP3 player which proudly says 'Made in Singapore'.

So what are the other interesting snippets?

• The number of philips monitor stands dad had to buy as I keep breaking the stand. And that it costs 7 SGD. 
• My red ruby bought from Pluto cost me 2288 SGD. I don't really know what happened to it already though as the casing in my room right now is the boring yellowish white. And I think it is an empty shell which is why I was trying to pack the wires nicely for printer, scanner and external HD. 
• Samsung CD-Rom cost 65 SGD. Now I don't even have a CD rom reader though for all the CDs. Makes me wonder if I should still keep these CDs hmm.
• I think my first internet cable subscription with Starhub was in 2002. Almost 20 years ago. And the monthly subscription was 76 SGD. I was even using my super aged e-mail: begonia@singnet.com.sg. Which has probably disintegrated into dust in the internet world (I sincerely hope).
• I even found my first laptop manuals and tax invoice with warranty card intact. And that laptop costs me 2299 + 3% GST = 2367.87 SGD which is probably a lot of money for a poor university student. I don't remember if I took a loan though haha. And OMG GST was 3% then. How much things have rose for the past decade. Not sure what I did with my laptop but 80% I probably recycled them into some e-waste bins.
• Found a stack of Herballife invoices. Well considering the Herballife bag is still kept intact, I'm not surprised. But I did ponder from Nuskin (It was Lazy doing it though that time) to some BCG or something, to Forever Living Product to Herballife. I have decided to clear the bag and recycle all the Herballife booklets though. I think I should have some of the Forever Living Products stuff somewhere too. Perhaps will hunt for them tomorrow as well.

I was also trying to keep my SRM certification (sigh reminiscent that it will be replaced just like the owner) and saw some other old school letters about my profile and what career will suit me. Funny how when one grows up and look at her achievements, only to realize it is so far away from her intended ambitions during school day. But even laughable is the fact she put 'System Analyst' or 'Volunteer'. The other bitter laugh happened when I saw my diary. Not sure which year was that but all the entries about this guy I like who has forgotten my birthday though. These un-requited love probably trained me early to choose to be loved and not to love any more I guess. It made me curious for a moment that I went to stalk some of my past relations in the FB. Is weird that we are all linked in FB, but I hardly ever try to contact them or connect them even sometimes. Yet I always had 2 questions in mind when looking at my past. Are they married, and how many children they have already. And then I will think they are blessed to have chosen that path instead.

I had one extra question in mind, which has been bugging me for a few months already. Did Doc changed name? And many times I wanted to ask Doc. Times when I'm back and I see the drawings or booklets, I will wonder more too. But should I really ask? Has age tamed my impulsive nature?

A butterflygalz of very little brain

Before the year ends, I thought to at least end it with a post of thoughtful quotes from....

Christopher Robin Movie :)

It's a no brainer that it will be THE movie I planned to watch on my flight back.

Especially when it started with young Christopher Robin and Pooh conversation about what do they like to do best?

And Christopher said what he likes doing best is Nothing.

And he goes on to describe it as when people call out asking you, "What are you going to do Christopher Robin?" And you say "Oh, nothing". And then you go ahead and do it.

Haha.
Is like you just continue with what you want to do, ignoring the noises.

Because as what Pooh later explains, "Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something".

Though it was rather funny when Pooh thought that "People say 'Nothing is impossible', but I do nothing every day."
That makes me wonder then if he really knows what is 'Nothing' now hmm.
But then do I know what is 'Nothing' too? Like is retirement considered 'Nothing'. And can I really do 'Nothing' this year (and then go ahead to do it still?)

I guess this is back to my life's biggest question - where is my path?

Pooh says 'I always get to where I'm going by walking away from where I have been."

But I feel my issue is I do not know where I have been though. :(

Of which Pooh then advises, 'Sometimes when I'm going somewhere, I wait. And then somewhere comes to me."

Just like how Pooh's door lead him to London to where the adult Christopher Robin is. Saying 'I suppose it's right where it needs to be'. I guess that is how that somewhere comes to him. Will I get to see my own door to open soon then?

Sigh, I know Pooh is telling me to be patient. Though I begrudged Pooh's infinite patience, for 2019, I guess I just have to be like Eeyore, to go with the flow... to the waterfall... because can't change the inevitable.

With that Merry Xmas & Happy 2019
Hope the coming year is a joyful ride :)

G-stress

Been having panic attacks for the last couple of months where you think the world will collapse when it is just the system build breaks down. Sometimes I am thankful I am in IT and not Medic because system is dead anyway. But precisely because system cannot talk so it did not tell me we are all building in silos and that it is not integrating. Thus all the process just crumble before your eyes.

And so with the world (process) crumbling , (which if I look back a decade later it does not even matter to me), I took to 2 things to cool myself down everytime my heart is in pain or I am vomitting blood. 

1. A shower at 4 because all the meetings start after that and I don't even have any time to breath. (Not complaining because it is better than me being in NL where the day starts at 7 for me and I don't even get to drink water until it ends at 7).

2. Gaming!

And looking at the amount of games I'm playing this week...

- I Love Coffee (which I stopped this year already after so many years)

- Brown Farm (which I ban it now only because it refuse to give me the Peter Rabbit Line stickers saying the event is not for Asia region unfortunately)

- Tsum Tsum (which I installed when I met BJ in CNY and she mentioned about it. But she quit cos she's busy.. with an addition so take care gal!)

- Pokemon Go (which I install back because of the 'Add Friend' feature and someone asked me for my code. So been back to that for a few months though it is getting tough as I'm always stuck at home so how to get poke-stops sigh...)

And the very recent game... Maplestory M. 

Is like OMG, did I really went back to Maplestory again. And chose Bishop again. And started this whole quest again. 

Still remember the days where I played it with LAZY back in uni days. The story was definitely different now but I was told that there's been a few variations in Maplestory (PC version) since I left with different lore. I didn't even know 'lore' this word. I'm such a gaming noob after all these years.

The dinos that collect my drops reminded me of those shortcuts I had to hacked on the PC to be able to auto pick up all the drops. But the ultimate nostalgia is the mini dungeon because it is exactly the botting scenario I used to do. Gathering all the mons to a corner for me to kill and get all the exp. And I remember the days where that corner must be discreet and I must not be caught else once reported, I might get banned. Oh well everybody knows I don't play fair, and that I have always like to wear the grey hat sometimes. I might not be the hard core, but I will find means to make use of the hardcore hacker's tools to make my gaming life easier. 

I mean see the trail of my history, from maplestory, pet society, pokemon (when it first came out and all the loopholes one can exploit), tsum tsum.... I have not yet tried to bot Maplestory M because I'm still waiting to see if i want to retire in 'glory' after a week's play. And because I have not run out of my auto-battle time.

Ok back to G-stressing.... 

教我看世界的勇气 , 把最好的我交给爱我的手里

最好的 - 于文文&伊一
作词：李怡萱
作曲：于文文
联合创作：伊一

于：
红了的眼睛
你将我的手放在掌心
没太多言语
你的爱一向沉默安静
那一些倔强的任性
那被宠坏的孩子气
留在我的房间里
随时随地家都在这里

伊：
教我认识自己
教我看世界的勇气
把最好的我交给爱我的手里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
当成长写着日记
快乐悲伤我都珍惜
在最好的时刻里遇见了爱情
认真的练习认真沉溺
想在一起 

于：
关上了耳语
爱和我约定放心相信
满天的星星
太多的愿望触不可及

伊：
唯一如信仰般确定
是爱情动人的语气
能让我专心聆听
风和日丽都变成风景

于：
学着不只自己
学两人世界的勇气
看最好的我走进爱我的心里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
任时间筛出默契
一颗真心多不容易
在最好的时刻里酿成了爱情
醉人的微醺醉人着迷
想在一起 

于：
教我认识自己
教我看世界的勇气
把最好的我交给爱我的手里
让幸福继续陪着前进

合：
当成长写着日记
快乐悲伤我都珍惜
在最好的时刻里遇见了爱情
认真的练习认真沉溺

伊：
想在一起 于：
不再犹豫 伊：
想在一起 于：
说我愿意

于文文 say the first half of the song is a love letter of a daughter to the dad, and the second half is a love letter to the daughter's groom. I was particularly touched especially when 伊一  shared her father's letter to her, on growing up and on wedding. And I thought of my dad when I hear this song. All the reasons why I chose this path now is because of him. I always remember that scene "看最好的我走进爱我的心里 让幸福继续陪着前进".

Thank you dad. And may you be forever blessed. 

我年幼时坚持过什么

I always know song writing is tough even though I don't have the music talent. But watching the season <<无限歌谣季>> really prove how tough it is to turn someone who don't know how to sing into someone who can sing, write and maybe even dance.

Yesterday when I watched the second song written by 薛之谦 & 杨迪 again, I went back to find the first song he wrote with 岳云鹏. If I could, I would have downloaded Kugou but sadly country restrictions. Because I think I'm smitten by him haha. He has a pained look whenever he is not being funny. And a tough past which probably contributed to his pained look. All (talented) musicians probably have wider spectrum of their emotions. Maybe that's why they easily fall into the abyss of depression.

Funny that I don't have any talent but I can if I don't control myself, fall into such abyss of depression. That's why sometimes I do ask myself,

我年幼时坚持过什么， 我现在又在坚持什么呢？
还好大家匆忙没人管。。。
我疲倦的灵魂重演着, 醒来后继续活着。

p/s: No matter what risks I raised, the project will continue to repeat its mistakes. This is the reality, of how ambitious powerful people thinks they can make fast food style system implementation in this upcoming 21st century. I shudder to think of the 22nd century. GA, please, I don't wish to re-incarnate.

醒来 (Live)
- 薛之谦/岳云鹏
词：薛之谦/岳云鹏
曲：薛之谦
编曲：黎偌天

薛：
我莫名又来了孤独感
可城市分明人山车海
有一片树叶在飘过来
证明了 我的存在

岳：
我抱怨着生活的艰难
 嘲笑着别人的勇敢
要喝醉了助兴谈离散
展示出 我的难堪
那羡慕的烟火去哪了
那信任的朋友疏远了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得

 薛：
我轻狂的样子被席卷了
我心爱的姑娘她不等了
在生活里换来了什么
这一切值不值得

岳：
所以 请你 同意
我回去拿个行李

 薛： 如果可以 我想找回我自己

岳：
我嬉笑后怎么会伤感
还好大家匆忙没人管
谁不想有退路或依靠感
让思念入土为安

薛：
我面具已泛不出情感
感谢你赐我窒息感
让我们看上去不太艰难
心里还留着期盼

合：
我沙滩的城堡去哪了
我捍卫的小草枯萎了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得
 我自私的样子生长着
我内心的斗争停止了
我现在又变成了什么

薛： 这么做值不值得
岳： 所以 请你 同意
薛： 我回去拿个行李

合：
我疲倦的灵魂重演着
我沧桑的肉体缝补了
我梦境里追逐着什么
醒来后哭着笑了
醒来后继续活着

告訴自己 我要堅強

Bell 宇田
我们

記得從前的那個走廊
你搭著我的肩膀
是我一生 最好的時光
因為有你我勇敢夢想
哪怕千萬人阻擋
朋友是一種信仰

 * 好想 輕輕靠在
你的身旁 和從前一樣
不去 任何地方
只要有你 都是天堂
我的心事你幫我收藏
你頭髮我幫你綁
一起經過了憂傷
為何 眼光放得這麼長
如果最好 就在身旁

Repeat *
 好想 牽著你們
走在街上 看人來人往
就算 白髮蒼蒼
也要記得 那老地方
今天晚上我卸下了妝
看著自己的臉龐
告訴自己 我要堅強

I heard this song on 2nd June, on a train to Amsterdam Muiderpoort. The first train station I alighted a decade ago after the snow storm with my friend CL.

I have been thinking a lot of things. From friendship, work, love, marriage... I wondered, and i pondered as this song repeats again and again.

These days, I give up alot on family and friends because of the huge amount of work and stress. To the extent I worry daily, if i will die of overwork like the Japanese do. I worry about the pain on the left of my chest daily. I worry about the lack of sleep. And I think about the past where I have my friends to support me then.

How do I resolve this vicious life cycle? How will GA guide me? When I lost my wallet the next day (3rd June)... the very first time I lost a wallet.. and in a foreign country... I started reflecting. Has life brought me to such a state that I am incapable of even performing my every day duties. I am grateful that GA still protected me (I think). At least I only lost a credit card and an ov card. I dont remember what else is in the wallet other than cash and receipts. And because I got tired that I gave up collecting receipts, it felt I got tired of living and spending too.

It took me one week... and I still question myself every day... why did I lost my wallet. Is it so that I dont lose my sanity and thus this is just a pre-warning.

Month of June, where I take leave every mon & fri to force myself to rest.
Will I get the respite I need desperately? Do I know what life is installed for me? Can I find my path?

25th June update:
After taking 3 days off, I cancelled the rest of my last 2 week leave ... To be taken in Aug :)

Pitch and the power of suggestion

Is not about yanny or laurel fab that i'm posting this.. is about what Ellen said about "Hearing the exact same thing and then hear something completely different"... 

Which is my life story in this project.

I mean how often would I meet people who hear the same things as me, and yet come blaming me that I did not KT him?

Or read the same emails, and then come asking me to please response again when I did 5 minutes ago

But then actually the focus of Ellen video (to me) is all about pitch and the power of suggestion.

And I'm so going to use that next week, though I simply hate, dread that flight to that country to face those people who makes my blood boil and who chases me daily over a new tracker (imagine a list of NOT YET - sprint ready, UAT and now Closed tasks). Is like a never ending marathon seriously. Who needs running exercises when I'm running everyday from these tasks now.

But back to this laurel and yanny fab. What scares me most is that no matter how much brain wash I gave myself, telling my brain the correct answer is laurel... I just kept hearing yanny. I tried the pitch method, the brain wash method but it still don't work for me. Have I stayed out of my motherland too long that brainwashing doesn't work for me anymore?

凡所有相，皆是虚妄

从前，有个书生，他喜欢上尚府的千金
他们两情相悦，准备打算成亲了
但这位千金，却突然悔婚
书生很难过，伤心欲绝

然后他遇到了一个和尚
和尚听了他的事情，就掏出了一块镜子让他看
说，你看看你们的前世

有一个姑娘，遇贼被劫，暴尸荒野
期间，有三个男人经过
第一个男人，看了一眼，走了
第二个男人，看到姑娘尸体衣冠不整，很可怜
于是脱下了自己身上的衣服，盖住了姑娘
第三个男人，眼看姑娘暴尸荒野很可怜
于是，挖了一个坑，把姑娘埋葬了

和尚对书生说，镜中的姑娘便是你的未婚妻
而你，是那第二个男人
前世，你对姑娘有恩，所以你会和她有一段缘
是她欠你的
但她始终嫁给了第三个男人
因为，第三个男人对她恩义更重
她决定要以身相许

I was never interested in 《夸世代》until episode 32. When it repeated the story that I heard before. Which I always pondered about the significance of it on my life. And I remembered I tried to repeat this story before to...

武功分三个境界，见自己，见天地，见众生
修行也是这样，一开始，我我我，放眼远望后，方可以看到其他人

Is been a 2 years plus since I stay in Singapore with sufficient time (very judgmental on that) to arrange to meet people. And the last 2 weeks, the people I met were indeed of a wide range. I still met some of my regulars like my jap gals & my unimate-cum-colleague or my docent friend.

Then I had to meet 1 ex-colleagues who was upset with me for not sharing the good news. And which I am very touched by his kind gesture. his family had played a very significant part in my life in Melbourne and those days were very precious.

And then I met the friend I made at Domain Interchange. Another lady who also played a significant part in Melbourne too.

But what amazed me is to meet 2 other friends whom i haven't seen for a decade. I happen to be playing with the DIY coaster and decided to take a photo and send to the creator. Couldn't remember the last time we met though that was when we were both working already. After she gave up helping the family business and move into private sector, So I never met her till now.

The most amazing story though had to be my cap fren. Someone whom I haven't seen for 15 years i think. Funny that when I saw him, i just started talking like normal. And he had to remind me that we haven't met for a long time already. These are school friends who were part of my growing phase.

Am I feeling old? Perhaps because is the year again.

In any case, I feel blessed. GA always give me good friends at various stages who will advise me to the extent of nagging at me too. Like the recent one which I had just wrote a sinterklass poem to :

The first introduction letter was formal and showed your politeness The first video meeting was expensive but showed your willingness to help The first house visit was a surprise and showed your warmth But it was your constant nagging that made me realise you really are a good friend.

It was my first sinterklass poem but I did not get to see his reaction because he was not at his desk. The team said he shed a tear when he read the poem though haha. We all know personally I should leave, but professionally, I cannot leave. And thus the only other way is to keep chasing me to sleep or try not to harass me with lots of meetings.

I really do appreciate all these people who walked into my life. They make me stop to see the bigger picture.

TA GA!

Blogger new feature - BloggED?

Snapchat automatically delete messages once they’ve been viewed or have expired.

Instagram has "Stories" that let you add text and emoji to disappearing videos that only last for 24 hours.

WhatsApp has "Status," a new feature that's designed to let users share videos, photos, and GIFs that expire in 24 hours.

Maybe Blogger also has 'BloggED', where posts get published for 1 week before it gets deleted.

Either that or my eyes must be seeing things when I no longer saw that post today.

But hey, I'm giving Blogger a good idea right?