Did you just play a joke on me?

GA, tell me, did you just play a prank on me? Tell me, why, why did you do that? The office is cold, my hand is frozen. But you have just made my heart iced up. Tears that flowed down, just froze at that moment.

When I saw the nick, I pondered if I should say good luck to him. We have all move on, so I just wanted to wish him good luck to know her better. What he told me, shocked me totally. So much so I’m trembling. So much so I totally couldn’t finish my Security Chapter 2. So much so, I just feel like hiding myself somewhere.

GA, why, why did you play such a prank on me? Tell me. I know you didn’t meant to hurt me. But why. For 4 years, I never knew he was a Christian before. For 4 years, I always thought it was my fault because I couldn’t trust him no matter how I tried. You let me know today he had never managed to open up. I rather he told me that he wants to know the girl better, than tell me he wants to know God better.

Nah, that is a dumb thought. I’m so glad he finally believes in God. For 4 years, I always felt upset because he couldn’t understand my beliefs, my actions. He tried not to be too extreme but I always wanted someone who can support me. I thought I ask too much. But I was unable to settle for anything less for a life partner. I blamed myself. Everybody asked me what wrong did he do but I defended him.

It took a girl to bring him back to God’s arms. Expected! My intuition can’t be wrong one. I know he is definitely dating or trying to date. Afterall, with him for 4 years, I know he is the marrying guy. So of course must date haha.

Actually I really don’t know if I’m angry with him or with GA. GA, you know since young, how much I hated Christians. And yet I ended up in a Christian school, something which I never understand either. You make me read the Old Testament, you make me study the New Testament. I took it you wanted me to know them better. I admit my resentment did decreased. But I refuse to like a Christian.

Because of my stubbornness, I never accepted my good friend. There was this period where I had to make a choice. I chose the non-Christian and lost my friendship with him. And it took me 4+ years later to know that day, I had still chosen a Christian. What a joke?

GA, you who know my troubles, why did you let me know this. Are you trying to give me an answer? But what kind of answer can you give me? I have been telling myself there is no possibility in liking him. Yet whenever I know he reads my blog, I feel so happy. Whenever he shows me concern, I felt touched. Unfortunately I am someone he will never consider. Like what my friend says. He treats everybody well. A guy who people falls for easily, but who rarely falls for people. And he is a Christian.

Why do I feel so ironical now? Why of all church, he chose the same church as this guy too? Gosh, did the world turn small? There are so many churches in this city, yet it had to be that church. And why did I have a niggling feeling that it would be that church when he told me he is going back to God. And why after knowing all these, I still feel helpless because I really don’t want to have feelings for this person. I just don’t want to get hurt again.

GA, why do you always spring surprises on me when it is my exam period? I really don’t understand. And I’m so impressed with myself now. I can still be so nonchalantly discussing work with people when I’m hurting inside. I really cannot function now. I want back my sanity. I’m only glad that I found myself a hiding haunt on Monday. I’m going back there to hide later. An hour more, I really cannot take it. GA, can you just kill me. Because I really cannot accept the harsh truth you just delivered to me. Thank god tomorrow I’m on DR site. I’m definitely not going to be found online… I dread the questions my friend will ask me.

I don’t even know why I want to blog this. To let him see? The likelihood that he will read is 1% though. I give up! My mind is whirling.