Lost in October's thoughts

My brain seems to have overworked this October with all the thoughts running bersek...

First thing was a quote from QR:

过错是短暂的遗憾，错过是永远的遗憾

Sigh, I really don't want any ever-lasting regrets... Suddenly Aerosmith's song came into my mind

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Source: Aerosmith's "I don't want to miss a thing"

Another thought that came into my mind was on colleagues. Who are close to me, who I will miss. I am the backward-looking type of people so I kept reminiscing. Which is really bad because I'm really afraid I might cry.. at my farewell dinner.. at my last day. For now, I can still keep my tears hidden... but how long?

Then I was reading an article on Unique Factor from Ezine and it asked me the following questions:

1. What is your primary purpose during this life, and why is that important?
2. What are your greatest natural talents ? things you've been told you have a knack for doing?
3. What are you doing when you feel completely alive, deeply involved, and the hours seem like minutes?
4. If you just found out that you had six months to live, what would you spend it doing?
5. What characteristics will you be remembered for?
6. What are you the most determined to accomplish during your lifetime?
7. How are your deepest passions connected to what you are doing now?


It advise one to focus today on those things that make one unique, and feel the joy unfold around one. Then share your unique qualities with others. It ended with a poignant quote by Michael Landon.

"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."

Source: Ezine

Lastly, when I was about to break down, M suddenly gave me 3 theories. The first one was from a lecturer we knew and the other two were from him

Law of Parkinson can be used to explain that one's work can never be finished. And the inverse is sometimes true..."Things that cannot be completed in days can be completed within hours (before going on leave)..."

Then, there is a Theory of Redundancy... You seems to be needed when/if you are around, however, when you are gone, life goes on for the organisation... and gradually... Voila! You are no longer needed...

Finally, Theory of "Shit Happens"... things falls apart (only) when you are not around (for that moment)... but you are never appreciated when you kept thing intact (all the time)...

Haha it sounded so apt I couldn't help blogging it to remember his words of wisdom.

And to all, I'm alright. Even though till now, just before I'm flying, I had a terrible busy day... but because I know I'm flying tonight kinda cheer me up abit more than the last few days... So I'm confident of saying, I will definitely enjoy my Japan trip. And because sometimes when you see things in another perspective, you can appreciate it better and lighten up.

Ending my erratic October's thoughts with a grassy rat saying HI... to all who will be visiting the Rainforest Kidzworld in the Zoo.. official opening 14th Nov 2008, Friday

Sweet Lies - Ito Kanako

Sweet Lies
- Ito Kanako

Please tell me lies (Tell me you'll always be)
Sweet scented lies (Hold me, speak love to me)
I can't let go (Your heat inside)
Lying here alone

Please tell me lies (Teach me the love I need)
Your funny little lies (Touch me and smile once more)
Why did you go? (The warmth is lost)
This room is so cold
(And I) don't know if I can make it on my own

Your kiss
Your sweet caress
Your heartbeat
Call my name
But all are Ghosts
That haunt my heart (Tears keep falling)

I'd give up anyting the world can ever offer
I give my heart to you. There'll never be no other
Just to be by your side
Just to feel your breath beside mine
I'd give my soul if I had to, No, nothing ever matters

I'll give up everything, the only one desire
I give my heart to you and that will be forever
Just to feel you inside
Just to feel your heartbeat with mine
I'm yours to take forever. No, nothing ever matters
So please

Please tell me lies (Tell me you always be)
Soft gentle lies (Hold me, speak love to me)
I can't let go (Your heat inside)
I'm here so alone
(And I) don't know if I can make it on my own

Your kiss
Your sweet caress
Your heartbeat
I call your name
But now they're Ghosts
That haunt my heart (Tears keep falling)

I'd give up anyting the world can ever offer
I give my heart to you. There'll never be no other
Just to be by your side
Just to feel your breath beside mine
I'd give my soul if I had to, No, nothing ever matters

I'll give up everything, the only one desire
I give my heart to you and that will be forever
Just to feel you inside
Just to feel your heartbeat with mine
I'm yours to take forever. No, nothing ever matters
So please

I'd give up anyting the world can ever offer
(Your sweet lies)
I give my heart to you. There'll never be no other
(You make me feel)
Just to be by your side
Just to feel your breath beside mine
(That I'm not alone)
I'd give my soul if I had to, No, nothing ever matters
(Please tell me lies)

I'll give up everything, the only one desire
(Your sweet lies)
I give my heart to you and that will be forever
(You make me feel)
Just to feel you inside
Just to feel your heartbeat with mine
(That I'm not alone)
I'm yours to take forever. No, nothing ever matters
(So Please tell me lies)
So please

Bfly’s comments:
I am on the verge of break down. I need lies. I need to be deceived. Because it hurts.. it really hurts. Ever since I made that decision, I never had peace. I forced myself to accept, to leave, for certain reasons. And I ended up more hurt than ever, in terms of all aspects of my life.

I guess I’m hasty. I grabbed this hoping it is a lifeline, to forget him. Or at least care lesser for him. And yet I ended up still buying something for him again. Stupid me even bought another, just to convince myself I did not buy it specially for him. But who am I kidding?

And is this a lifeline? I got embroiled in politics. I ended up working OT every single available day including weekends to complete my work. I ended up more stressed because I know they want me to clear my stuff even though they did not tell me directly. And I am unable to heck care because this is my character. I ended up weeping at weird times.. just to release my pent-up emotions. I ended up making them angry. I ended up feeling hurt that I am unable to get their blessings. I ended up seeing the true colours of some people through the planning of farewell.

Just let me vent because after this rant, at least I hope to be calmer and buy something back for them in Japan. Even if the person doesn’t treat me with the same regard, I should not do the same. Because I’m grateful for what they taught me all these while. It hurts when your actions don’t get reciprocated. But then I’m already doing it for him, so including a few others should not be too tough. Because I should not be calculative in the first place. I need an outlet to disperse such negative feelings, to be able to withstand this test. And yes, I need to open up. Because it is not a choice.

Trial Run and Semb Run and NB Real Run

Before the NB Real Run, did a few trial runs...participated in the NB Trial run. Had to wake up real early to catch the shuttle bus but yet not early enough to catch the sun rise in Changi... the sea breeze was refreshing though...


Oh and both the trial run and real run is in Changi Exhibition Exhibition Centre.. Should be considered the first time I visited this place as it is newly constructed for the Singapore Airshow 2008 which I did not attend (I only attended the Asian Aerospace 2 years ago..)

Did a second Sembawang run on Sat morning too. (The first one was on a Thur night.). This time the route extended to include the hot spring in Sembawang

the tree once again except this time no birds were resting on it....

the Bealieu House

and to end in the housing area that I have been fascinated since the first time I came into Sembawang area.

I love my morning bus journey even though most complain my work place far. And I would greatly miss these early morning greenery and quietness....

Then is the actual Real Run... The starting block and ending block had different lines... The starting block was

It's going to get dirty. Enjoy.

And when you end your run, you are greeted with

You've made it. Clean is your reward.

I'm amused .. this is the first time I see such block. Oh and I took the ending block after the run because at first the sun was very bright at that side. So motivated myself to finish the run and take it again, hoping the sun will not be too harsh on the block. In the end I did finish the run 1 hours 49 mins 24 secs later. (2 checkpoints: 27 mins 45 secs and 56 mins 52 secs [8km?], 189/434) But the sun was still harsh so I just take it as it is.

My friend was 20 mins before me and in between us, there are close to a hundred female runners already... amazing right. Oh and while seeing the results, I realised another of my jc mate was running.. Immediately smsed her and asked her haha.. kinda lost touch with her so it felt like fate game? She's going for the SC half marathon too... let's see if I can catch sight of her this time... and...

Anyway this is the T-shirt given by them. I ended up too late though by which both size XXS and XS is taken already. I ended up taking size S to give to my brother haha.



As for the bag... I'm taking it to Japan trip haha


Sports Event List:
SwingKPE run (10km)
Nautical run (6.6km)
NB Real run (15km)
Newpaper Big walk (5km) <-- Not really counted since is just a walk
SC Half marathon (21km)

Actually I'm amazed with my accomplishment.. Jia You!

A pawn in this chess game

I'm like a pawn in this chess game.

Regardless whether I'm a key piece or not.
Regardless whether I'm useful or not.
Regardless whether I have been appreciated or not.
Regardless whether I like it or not.

The irony is it took this to make it happen.
The irony is I once again became vocal at the wrong time.
The irony is a month later, I will be discarded as I outlived by usefulness.
The irony is I could just heck care what games they are playing because it no longer affects me.
The irony is I ended up still burning the bridges I hope to preserve.
The irony is I am still trying hard to clear what I can clear.
The irony is I still wish they could wish me well.

I only learnt one thing. That the next time, I will not tell anybody anything anymore. There are a lot of things I heard, a lot of things that I know will hurt people. And right now I'm claming myself up for fear of saying anything to these people if they keep probing. I decided they should just live in the peace they believe in. Why shatter the dreams.... just because my dreams got shattered.

The only good thing is I'm mentally drained to bother about how he is doing (i.e. I did care less afterall).
The bad thing is I'm ignoring all my other friends and I'm still feeling guilty towards QR.

Buying and Selling "Monkeys"?

Source: Email

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...

Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ' Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50. '

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.

Bflygal's comments: May sound like a joke.. but there is some element of truth in it still...

Sighz XX has been showing me some articles and I find what some people said crappy. Stuff about unable to change car, cut down on spending, how pathetic they are now in the financial sector when out there in the world, people has lost their entire savings, their hard earned money. Actually all money earned are from blood and sweat, whichever industry you are in. So please, please don't beguile the innocent. And please, please don't be tempted by greed.

Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love

Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)

Bflygal's comments:
Why must there be comparison?
Why must I measure myself with my peers?
Why must I have what the people around me has?

I'm not like them.
I don't aspire for such stuff.

I admit I still need the basic needs.
I admit I'm still human.
And I admit I have been luckier than average.

But that is not the reason for the change.
But that is not the motivation to move.

Can you understand me?
Or can I even understand myself?

Nautical Run Aftermath

It's a Friday, and I'm in ECP haha. This is the 2nd run I participated in preparation... (1st run was SwingKPE.) So woke up early and head to ECP. Took bus 31 and saw familiar scenes... and unfamiliar scenes. Singapore is always changing, that is for sure. Brought back certain memories though as I realised I haven't been here for a real long time.



There were more than 1,300 participants from the Maritime Community and a total of $333,000 was raised for The President’s Challenge and The Straits Times School Pocket Money Fund.  I also learned why companies are willing to participate in such event (tax lesser on profits and make employees happy).

One of the free gift is a bear bear.. so cute right. I decided to take a top view of it to make its head BIG... just for fun haha


And this is the shirt.. Actually the material is not bad. I wore it for the run (to standardise with my colleagues).. and am intending to wear it for the next 2 runs.


Of course the crux though is how long I took... it is THE question once I completed the race.  And amazingly I took 42 mins 56 secs (45/133) considering that halfway in the run, I suddenly felt sick and was breaking in cold sweat.  Colleagues attributed to the hot weather.  I'm unsure, just felt it is worst than the NB trial run. 

Anyway after the event ended, went to do some cycling practises... see the sand sculpture exhibit which was part of the race route haha... As mentioned, I focus on the journey not the destination... Still remember while running, I saw a group of tourists at the sand sculpture area and was telling myself to complete the race faster so I can explore it too haha. 

I quite like the purpose of the sand sculpture exhibit.

Enjoy the view,
Appreciate what you see,
Take time to be still,
For Beauty exist only when we care and feel.

Then went to get my NB race pack and had dinner with my XX and his ISS gang at Ah Yat Seafood (so-so food.. oh ya I should remember to ask ST for the photos.  She was trying to take photo to show her colleague but towards the end of the course, she gave up and just concentrated on eating & chatting haha).

The finale though is I finally got a chance to see Keppel Bay. The funny thing is I passed by it for the past 2.5 years on my way to school... haha just another proof that JOURNEY MATTERS...

I really love the bridge... the light changes and I happen to catch it when it is purple... LOVELY!


And my last proof that journey matters is from this sculpture.

I had called it the droplet haha.. but its actual name is

Omega
Every voyage is marked
by a beginning
and a destination
by Sun Yu Li
2008

2nd attempt... déjà vu once again...

Is it his nature of never phrasing well?
Or is it a tactic to make me feel guilty?

Whatever it is, it hurts, it pricks my conscience.

The day before I feel troubled and uneasy.. the day had finally arrived but I felt fearful. I am only grateful sleep comes easily for me lately... I can just knock out by 9pm.. not sure is it because I ran too much or I'm bogged by too much worries or... but sleep comes easily and sometimes I do want to stay awake to read my books, blog some stuff... but I never made it there.

The day came and I decided to submit after lunch. Partly I have a meeting with them in the morning and I don't want to deal with them early in the morning with everybody's mind preoccupied with who will be taking over this demo when I'm gone.

This time, it was not obvious. I was standing instead of sitting like last year. Thus it looks like I'm asking official matter. But it is official matter. Colleague says I look quite calm and composed. Probably it comes with experience, having been unsuccessfully the previous time. I know I shocked my colleagues. It really don't look like the scene last year.. and yet once again he made me guilty. That is why this time I chose to pave my path first. Else I will just drag.

It hurts. It pricks my conscience. Even though they told me he was just giving a lame excuse to make me stay... the guilt tactic... and I should ignore it. But I can't help feeling bad if I really caused it. It was that matter, the re-shuffle after it, that made me gave up finally.

Before that I was just dragging the matter even though friends told me to think about it... I do regret not going earlier now. The economy is unstable and I'm getting doubtful if my decision is right. It took me a long time before I finally decided to accept. That period I just kept asking everybody the same question. I just kept asking the oracle the same question. I just kept asking GA… and each time GA told me to trust and accept Heaven’s help. Thus I finally decided to grit my teeth and cut the chords.

Déjà vu … The conversation was like last year… I really like learning from him. But I’m tired.. tired of forever waiting for my turn. Maybe they don’t realise it… but since I stepped in the first day, I already detected the queue. I don’t blame anybody, because I wasn’t treated as unfairly as my friend… but when told that I have to indeed wait… I had no choice but to tell him I don’t wish to wait anymore…

Anyway this is one of the rare days that I couldn’t care less about him.. especially when he made the start of my day terrible … He had asked a question and I couldn’t resist asking him back “If someone care from you afar, would you know or notice…”. It is a dumb question because I know he will not know and he confirmed it. It makes it even dumber because when I said that, I thought of QR and XDD… and how I always wished the ladies will know their concern.. how I always believed they will know… (I still am hopeful for them.. because at least they are females and females are sensitive by nature). QR said I’m optimistic to a point that he finds I’m the devil… devil’s temptation? I also don’t know why I’m that persistent… maybe that is why I’m forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone.. to care less for him??

Happy Children's Day

Time seems to flies past me quickly lately. October, the month I have been waiting for and dreading for suddenly loom into sight .. with a dramatic opening – Hari Raya Puasa cum Children’s Day.

To have a public holiday break is of course a luxury.. especially when October is going to be a frenzy period for me. So I took this chance to .. jog in the gym once again. (Ok, I can hear some people saying gym again… well I don’t have much life so that is how I lead my life.) Anyway this is the first time I develop a blister in my toe for running too much. Hmm somehow I feel over-running can really wreck a body. I might stop all running once the SC event is over… sigh then the only sad part is I have not conquered a marathon yet. Guess I will decide later.

Seriously I feel running is a mental game and somehow any mind game is unsuitable for me. Maybe that is why lately I’m getting tired easily. I can sleep as early as 8-9pm at times and is irritating my family at times because I will just concussed with the lights on. Hmm must be the jogging sessions. I really should take it easy and force myself to concentrate on the journey, not the destination.

What my friend told me came into mind:
“When you want to do something, you take a bold step forward into the unknown. You try it with all your heart.
If it fails, you take a step backwards BUT .. you are just back to square one. Never worse off.
What is failure? Never measure failure with what you might have, measure it with what you might never achieve.”

Makes sense I guess. I just need more self-confidence, more courage and more faith that GA is there for me. It is just that I know I’m lucky doesn’t mean I should take my good luck for granted. I treasured it very much. Just that I'm a worrier by nature.

Anyway mum met me after my gym session and we went to pray and do some shopping (because she wanted to exchange something that she bought). I get to eat my popiah in Qiji after craving for it for quite some time haha. And I was hobbling around Bugis .. lots of renovation work going around so Bugis seems a bit foreign to me.

Afternote: Not sure if I did mentioned but I finally sponsor a child .. Been thinking about it since 2004.. Been weighing it since 2006... It is after all a responsibility one must take seriously. Maybe is the tagline "One Life, Do something" , maybe I just decided there is never a right moment... Afterall how to define stability? And after making the decision, the economy just slided down. So one can never tell bah.

To Speed Up Firefox

Source: Digital Life (Oct 1 2008) from DL reader Deshawn Toh

1. Fire up Firefox
2. Type “about:config” into the address bar 
3. You will see a warning: "This might void your warranty..."
   Click the button that says "I'll be careful, I promise!
4. Scroll down and look for the following entries
   network.http.pipelining: Set value to "true" by double clicking that line
   network.http.proxy.pipelining: Set value to "true" by double clicking that line
   network.http.pipelining.maxrequests: Change the value from 4 to between 8 and 30 (This means it will make 8-30 requests at once.)
   
   Normally the browser will make one request to a web page at a time. When you enable pipelining it will make several at once, which really speeds up page loading.
   
   
5. Lastly right-click anywhere in the brwoser, select "New" and then "Integer". Name it “nglayout.initialpaint.delay” and set its value to “0″. This value is the amount of time the browser waits before it acts on information it receives.

Additional Tip:
Install the add-on, AdBlock Plus (from mozilla.com) to prevents time-wasting ads and banners from loading.