Yoshi Thermos story

3 weeks ago my client cum colleague mentioned that I have a bottle with her all these while that she kept forgetting to return to me. I stared at her blankly. And she said when she bring it, I will remember.

A week later she brought it to office but I still stared at her blankly. She said it was back in my Prahran days. I used to make lots of stuff then, ice cream, failed cookies, desserts. I did remember making fungus drink for her but I don't remember what I used to store for her. I remember I did stole a thermo from the Tasmania house but I don't remember how it look like. And somehow staring at this yoshi looking thermos flask, I felt yoshi saying it's familiar... but I don't remember how he look like.

Is that what is happening to me now? The past getting blurry. Every time I'm back in Melbourne, the heart aches, and the skin hurts. This is probably the worst bout of eczema as this time I even get it on the chin and my neck and I can't seem to ease it after 3 weeks already. No one seems to take me seriously though when I say I really cannot stay in Melbourne for long :(. It keeps getting worst that I fear for my life one day.. just kidding.

Anyway I finally decided to bring yoshi thermos home after 1 week of staring at it on my work desk. I guess it distracts me too much to think of the past during work. And while washing it, I actually kinda 'broke' the mouthpiece. And I seem to hear this phrase in the back of my mind saying, I always break things. Tried to fix it but it refused to pop up. And I started paralleling it to the fact that I wasn't able to fix the relationship either.

But a few days later, the mouthpiece suddenly popped up. Sigh. Unfortunately I don't know if I will live to see the day the relationship suddenly fix on its own. Right now I only want to know how to remove my stress so as to stop the itch and the flare-ups. It is such a vicious cycle though cos the redness is the cause of my depression and stress too :(.

And that one step changes their relationship

After Goblin, I thought I will stop kdrama. But my recent trip back from korea made my heart itch for another kdrama. And I chose "Strong Woman Do Bong Soon" to fill the itch. And finished it within the week, before the next project goes on full force.

I didn't plan to blog on it though but there were a few running thoughts when I finally reached the last episode and I decided to do just penned a short pensieve.

“Progressing from friends to lovers is simple; one person just needs to take a step closer. And that one step changes their relationship.”
- Min Min said to Bong Bong on her first love

I guess the same can be said that one wrong step can change everything too. And that's why Policeman might have made the wrong step when he said that he like girls who are weak even though he was referring to Bong Bong. Because after that, everything became off for them.

Or maybe it was because policeman "couldn't see her feelings because I was overwhelmed with mine."

Of which the brother asked "If I told you, would it have been different?"

I once knew a couple that like each other. I knew how each of them feel. But nothing ever happened to them. And the guy went on to like and marry another person instead. I always wondered how come they don't know how each other felt. And had it been wrong that I did not disclose it for them. Or was it just not meant to be? Maybe it is true that one can get blinded by one's own overwhelmed feelings.

Anyway this had been a super slow drama. Especially on the pervert part, it actually stretched till the second last episode before it finally closed the story. I almost died in excruciating pain waiting for the pervert to be caught. But scenes like re-watching Han River and Banpo Bridge (i think it is) again made me remember my Korea trip. And when she appeared at COEX, I was thinking to myself, oh I know that place. There's not many drama where I usually can relate to the places. I'm guessing it is because how recently I just visited Korea that's why I felt all so familiar.

But my favourite scene has to be the wedding. Because it is exactly like how my friend's wedding procession is like. I remember being so excited about the bridal room because I used to see it in other kdramas. And seeing my friend waiting in the bridal room was probably one of the most beautiful moment in my life. I'm so glad I had attended her wedding. And this wedding scene totally relieve the moments for me again.  Aww...

Here's to the mess we make

I was glad to have caught La La Land on the plane last month. I didn't know what I was expecting. I didn't know the ending was controversial. I didn't know most didn't like the ending. Because... I do. Because it touched such a raw nerve, so accurate that I wanted to blog about it immediately. I don't know why I didn't. But I know why I did it finally today.

Once again, I lost the access to the blogs. Is not the first time. Will it be the last time? Decade ago, when we had such fights, this will be the tactic used. Nowadays we hardly even spoke a word, yet I am still subjected to such treatment. I cannot send a word, I cannot ask a question. And I stopped posting on FB so as not to upset. But I know that the korea trip, I will be tagged. And I thought maybe just 1 post. But when I realised I lost the access.. I finally let go..

I really had high hopes.. that the friendship can be salvaged. The heart ache so much.. that it failed. Had I really overrated the person? Or had I been selfish to think it could have worked? Is that why Mia had to walk away? No matter how much Sebastian had dreamt of the future, he was not with his jazz club in that future. It's only in real life that he and her can achieved everything they want. At the expense of a diverging path.

Here's to the ones who dream 

Foolish as they may seem 

Here's to the hearts that ache 

Here's to the mess we make 

She told me: 

"A bit of madness is key 

To give us new colors to see 

Who knows where it will lead us? 

And that's why they need us"

- "The Fools Who Dream" by Emma Stone

Read before you drink

I used to never care about ingredient lists. I used to believe that everybody that makes food, has a conscience. But these days, with the viral videos of fake meat, coloured fruits and vegetables and even fake rice, I'm getting very paranoid.

So I thought maybe drinks will be spared. And I started liking almond milk, that everytime woolies or coles have a brand on half price, I will definitely choose that brand. That is until I read about Carrageenan and Gellan Gum. Hmm. 2 new ingredients that I never once bothered. 

And surprise, almost all the almond milks that I have consumed, has either of these ingredients. To tell you the truth, I don't think it has a very serious impact on me. Hmm unless the serious eczema condition is due to it because that's something I been battling for a few months which I find it odd too. Odd that it has affected more areas than it used to affect. I attributed it to old age i.e. genetics change. 

These 2 ingredients, especially carrageenan, usually affect those with indigestion though. Maybe the thought of IBS reminded me of someone, which lead me to write this post. To remind that in this world, people are putting more and more artificial ingredients in our food, and we should stop eating and drinking blindly. 

That's all I can do for now. Other than drinking only Pureharvest almond milk which is the only one I trust for now but rarely goes on specials. Sigh. 

P/S: I find it amusing that when I add and you accept, then why am I removed afterwards. Puzzling thoughts.

PP/S: And I finally used up the gargle solution from last year and yet my throat is still sore.  Oh well, at least one less item to keep. 

Fear of time

Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out. - Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

I had visited the library in hope to find "The Girl on the Train" novel. Because the girls had wanted to watch it in the outdoor cinema but I had rejected the invite. Because some days, I still see the ghosts of yesteryears and although I know that

Holding on to things only breaks your heart 

I didn't want to erase certain memories.

And a man without memories is just a shell. 

But I couldn't find that book. Instead I found The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. A weird story plot. But yet a very thought provoking book. And these days, I'm into weird story plots anyway. How else can I accept a mermaid that can erase memories. Or a grim reaper offering the paradise tea. Or even the almighty who cast the oblivion spell.

When you are young, you wish time will go faster. I don't know at which stage though,  I have wished for time to be slower. I wake up each day, feeling unfulfilled.

Everything man does today to be efficient, to fill the hour? It does not satisfy. It only makes him hungry to do more. Man wants to own his existence. But no one owns time. When you are measuring life, you are not living it.

I guess that is my problem. Measuring my life's existence. Thinking I own time. Forgetting that I come to this life empty handed, and I leave empty handed.

I don't know is it the thought if almighty is really that petty as Goblin portrayed was the reason for this post, or the shock from the Friday's accident at Bourke St mall that invoke me to type this post. The fear that time can be taken away from you so suddenly, 2 blocks away from where you stay.

Just as I don't know if the oblivion tea is the deity's way of showing grace? It's so you won't fall in agony at your next life. Even Legends has shown that if you retain your memories in your next life, and if you are a sinner, you will lead a very miserable second life too. Funny that all these shows philosophies can actually relate to each other in the same way.

I only wish that for all the grief that has been caused by one reckless driver, they will all be offered the paradise tea to forget the trauma they had endured. 2017 has indeed started with a very different note. Hopefully the arrival of the CNY will bring some happier notes. 

Stuck

김경희 (Kim Kyung Hee) – Stuck in love Lyrics Goblin OST Part 11

How can I get over you

Why do we have to be apart

We go where

nobody has ever been

And we come again from

the place we have never known

There are too many shadows

of your love everywhere around me

Stuck stuck stuck in love

Mysterious light

I’m still discovering

How can I get over you

Why do we have to be apart

And I’m wondering

if you know why know why

And I’m wondering

if you know why know why

bflygal: Simple song. Simple lyrics. Simple wish. Simple reason. 

I once thought I will be courageous.

I once tried to go where the path is less trodden. 

My courage failed me though.

Last night conversation of how kids these day are maturing earlier,

about how nephews chatting with random strangers

and nieces being bullies..

We concluded that in the very near future, 

boys will not be boys anymore

and girls might not be girls anymore.

And I wondered perhaps we have all been born too early,

stuck in the middle of a change phase. 

They grow up too fast, or are we the slow ones. 

p/s: 

3 weeks of on the bench has gotten me stuck with 2 melodramas.

How much more tears to shed for Goblin & Legend?

I fear I run out of tears soon

or my heart will have an attack next.

Maybe that's for the better...

Simple wish

One month of on-the-bench but I hardly stepped into my thoughts world. Nor stepped into my correspondence world. My indulgence were simple - Pokemon, Kdrama, Inferno.

While reading Inferno, one learned the great love story of Dante & Beatrice. And one wonders how could one love someone whom he only met twice in a span of 9 years. Courtly love it was described.

But was it really practiced in real life before? Maybe if we were simpler in thoughts?

How simple? Like flying over to meet the parents and hoping that all will be happily ever after. Sweet but will it work in real life? I will never know in this time frame. And so this 2015/2016 proposal, will finally be shredded up after months of deliberation. Because I have been threatened countless times, and K has been harassed several times. I once wanted to keep mementos but even in Kdrama, the leads always burn away the mementos of their past to go forward with the future. And since I was labelled not a simple girl, even if it hurts, I will let it go finally. Cos I no longer have the energy to struggle to keep friendships. Years of conditioning to be a hermit has finally made me into what I am now. Elusive. And all these fighting, will only taint the happy memories. I once wanted something simple. I still do. So as with every temple visits, I will continue to pray for my simple wish and to seek guidance for the path to be on. 

猪口在 wild marathon

The only thing I know I did right was to apply for a library membership card years ago. Nowadays my routine during the weekends are, QVM in the morning & library in the noon. Some days I can spend my entire weekends in the library. And sometimes even a Friday evening too. Especially now that I know of the Hot Pick corner where I can borrow any recommended dvd so long I return in 3 days.

And so I got WILD from Hot Pick, and then Never Let Me Go from the common shelves and lastly my usual dosage of drama marathon - 猪口在.

猪口在 is a simple guy because of his savant mind. And he always go with this motto:
If you cry, you can't see what's in front of you.
You only cry when it's okay not to look anymore.

Because of his motto, I try to cope the days here tearlessly. Because I am still searching for the future path and I cannot let the tears blurred my already fuzzy future.

"Never Let Me Go" on the other hand, is a weird movie. A future where even clones who were created for their precious organs, wanted to fight to live like a typical human. And why shouldn't they considering they have a heart and feelings too. I remembered when I first watched AI, the boy robot also wanted to be like other boys, to eat spinach like them, to play and swim like them. But he was outcast because he does not have a heart nor is he expected to have feelings. Then what about clones since they can create and store memories.

And so the clones tried to love. And then they tried to struggle against their fate.

What it is to have a soul and how you prove?

The rumor says if they can prove they have a soul, they will be exempted. And arts is one way to prove if he/she has a soul. Or so they thought.

I spend most of my time not looking forwards but looking backwards.

In the end, it is all for nothing. Because if fate decrees, then no matter how much you struggle, you will still end up in the path as dictated. Your organs will still required to be harvested. And you will still die after multiple transplant surgeries. Even if you have a lover. Even if you excel in arts. And if it is pointless in looking forward, then maybe looking backwards will make u treasure life a bit more?

And then the movie that inspired me to write this post - Wild

So much cherished quotes from Cheryl Strayed.

There's a sunset and sunrise in every day.
And you can decide to be there for it or not.
You can put yourself into beauty.

Even a child was in love with the world
after he got a new pair of shoes.

If I go back to time
I wouldn't do a single thing differently.
We are never purposed for what we expected.

I only have another 300 miles to walk
And when I'm done
I have to start living.

Cheryl chose the name Strayed because she felt she had strayed from her life's path. And she believed hiking through California and Oregon to the Bridge of the Gods into Washington would lead her back to the path.

"Bridge of the Gods". I like the name of this bridge. Wish I will have a chance to visit the bridge.

And when I'm on that bridge, I would like to tell myself too, that I wouldn't do a single thing differently. Because this was the path that God lead me to. 

DOTS and She Was Pretty

I lost 2 posts that day.. this was the second one. And so I re-watched DOTS to re-record all the points I wanted to keep again.

I am a doctor.
Life has dignity.
I don't think anything is more important than dignity.

>> Does all doctors think that way?

People can't be happy with lingering feelings.

>> Hmm sometimes I think life is all about feelings though. And when feelings linger, when emotions run unchecked, when life is open-ended, this is why future is unpredictable. Maybe I like to be sad most of the time... actually not true. I like to be angry most of the time.

Of course, doctors start nagging regardless of nationality.

>> Totally agree.

War is easy and peace is hard.
Perhaps, that is why dictators live a long life.

>> Especially in our war torn Earth, totally agree.

Be honourable at every moment.
There is no reason not to be.

>> I wish all of us thinks with such a soldier's mentality. I don't regret a lot of things that I did before. Though sometimes I wish I could have done it better or handle it better. But after my 25th birthday, I tried to live a life without regrets. However, lately, I wonder, should I regret certain things.

After DOTS, I still had the korean craze and decided to watch "She Was Pretty". Not as inspirational as DOTS, but it had talked about the Zeigarnik Effect and maybe that's why I wanted to record it down. The previous Korean dram "Oh My Venus" also had the "She Was Pretty" story theme. Always about a pretty young gal turning into a not so glamorous mid-age lady. This drama was more for laughter and to occupy my nights of boredom.

Love is crazy and openly allowed. (Frome the movie, "Her")
Be crazy.
Doesn't everyone love while being that crazy?
Instead of complicating it,
if you let yourself be crazy, it's simpler.
Don't look back and regret it
but just go for it.

Zeigarnik Effect.
An incomplete effect would be easier to explain but,
it's a case of not being able to forget something that you never got to finish.
In the end, the fact that you can't forget your first love
might not be because you have a keen affection for her or because it's fate.
You never got to see it to the end
and that might be the real reason you can't easily forget her.
So get out of your past
and live in the present
is what I'm saying.

Lastly, on the way back, Charlie Puth was accompanying me to sleep in the plane. And this song was my favourite...

The Power of Facebook

Actually I lost my draft of this article and was wondering it could be destiny that I should not write about it. Besides something else happened and I have physically wrote a letter ... somewhat..

So do I still want to store this event? In a way I should. I guess. But I would prefer to keep it brief, maybe try to make it light-hearted. Instead of the sombre tone that was in the initial draft.

I knew the influence of social media since I started with teleview, ICQ, Friendster and MySpace.

For M, I had introduced to her Facebook. And sometimes the way she uses it startles me. Like how she found out the double life of my tenant. I have to admit she can be quite a stalker.

And I have no doubt on her intelligence. Especially after this Easter long weekend.

Because I was extended, I thought to visit my friend's 'weekend getaway'. She had taken a month leave because her alpacas (3) were unpacking. I had loved my past 2 visits when I was here. It reminds me of the hermit life I once wanted. The Au life I had once dream upon. I guess I was greedy to experience it one more time. That I forgot how remote the connection would be, especially as she mentioned on a long Easter weekend where visitors were rampant which congest the network drastically.

As I took the regional bus to Mansfield, I pondered if I should get a Telstra sim card at one point, but was too lazy to execute the action. Besides nobody seem to be contacting me that Friday. And when my friend brought me to the city for farmer's market on Saturday morning, there were no messages for me. Maybe I should have responded my brother's Scandinavian photos but I was having my ME time enjoying the market that I forgot. And then once again, as I leave the city, I had once again become unreachable.

We had thought the alpacas should be unpacking soon but Sunday came, yet no action from the mamas. My friend wanted to stay indoors to be ready anytime. And so I did my next favourite activity (when I have no internet), reading. Like what she said, I became quite a reading machine as I stayed in the same spot and finish reading a fiction book she had loaned me. I totally forgot the world around me then. Exactly the life I sometimes wanted. Dangerous though. Because the next thing I knew, it was sunset and we dropped by her neighbour house for some drinks and chats.

The neighbour's backyard has a road that can lead to the top of the hill. So I asked to go up and catch the sunset view. My friend had mentioned that the connection will work at the top too. So I thought to check my phone the same time. That's when I realised how many messages D had tried to send me. He used to do it once in a blue moon, checking on me ever since he's ill. But I never expected his reaction when I did not reply for a day.

It got to the extent M actually dropped a message on the last photo tagged to get my colleague to find me.

If I can find any humour in this incident, it is the 'i told you' scenario to Doc before... that not a single colleague will even be able to find me if I was sick. One WA from Adelaide, One WA from Japan, One LINED from Japan, and clingyM LINED from Melbourne, but nobody .. absolutely nobody managed to find me. Well no AU phone number to call, no address, no inkling where I went.

Luckily though M had contacted K too. Remarkably she was smart enough to know how to find K from the "? liked this photo" feature.

Which is why I have to say, I'm totally in awe of M's intelligence. And utterly embarrassed by what she did. I didn't know how to face my colleagues come Tuesday. And not once did I really discussed this with clingyM.

Though many days later, when my agent were in Melbourne and decided to have dinner with me and clingyM, and clingyM's wife subtly asked me what is my address. And I asked is it because of that incident which she replied ya, nobody seems to know where I lived even.

That night I cried myself to sleep as I wondered about a zillions things. But GA gave me a beautiful gift on Easter Monday to take away all my sorrow. Maybe 2 beautiful gifts. I woke up with a bunch of kangaroos right outside the window eating. Finally as the last 2 mornings, I had trouble waking up early to take photos of them. And I thought that was my parting gift.

Except that this was actually my parting gift...

I was very glad I chose to leave on Monday afternoon. Even though the traffic is so bad that I was an hour plus later than intended. Because it is not everyday that I get to see a new birth. The feeling when I see his legs dangling out of the mama's bottom was so incredulous. I wished I had taken my long lens to capture it properly. :(

As I watch the baby fell many times while trying to take his baby steps... till he finally manage to stand and walk ... I'm truly glad for life as is. I only wish D can recover like baby too.