我年幼时坚持过什么

I always know song writing is tough even though I don't have the music talent. But watching the season <<无限歌谣季>> really prove how tough it is to turn someone who don't know how to sing into someone who can sing, write and maybe even dance.

Yesterday when I watched the second song written by 薛之谦 & 杨迪 again, I went back to find the first song he wrote with 岳云鹏. If I could, I would have downloaded Kugou but sadly country restrictions. Because I think I'm smitten by him haha. He has a pained look whenever he is not being funny. And a tough past which probably contributed to his pained look. All (talented) musicians probably have wider spectrum of their emotions. Maybe that's why they easily fall into the abyss of depression.

Funny that I don't have any talent but I can if I don't control myself, fall into such abyss of depression. That's why sometimes I do ask myself,

我年幼时坚持过什么， 我现在又在坚持什么呢？
还好大家匆忙没人管。。。
我疲倦的灵魂重演着, 醒来后继续活着。

p/s: No matter what risks I raised, the project will continue to repeat its mistakes. This is the reality, of how ambitious powerful people thinks they can make fast food style system implementation in this upcoming 21st century. I shudder to think of the 22nd century. GA, please, I don't wish to re-incarnate.

醒来 (Live)
- 薛之谦/岳云鹏
词：薛之谦/岳云鹏
曲：薛之谦
编曲：黎偌天

薛：
我莫名又来了孤独感
可城市分明人山车海
有一片树叶在飘过来
证明了 我的存在

岳：
我抱怨着生活的艰难
 嘲笑着别人的勇敢
要喝醉了助兴谈离散
展示出 我的难堪
那羡慕的烟火去哪了
那信任的朋友疏远了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得

 薛：
我轻狂的样子被席卷了
我心爱的姑娘她不等了
在生活里换来了什么
这一切值不值得

岳：
所以 请你 同意
我回去拿个行李

 薛： 如果可以 我想找回我自己

岳：
我嬉笑后怎么会伤感
还好大家匆忙没人管
谁不想有退路或依靠感
让思念入土为安

薛：
我面具已泛不出情感
感谢你赐我窒息感
让我们看上去不太艰难
心里还留着期盼

合：
我沙滩的城堡去哪了
我捍卫的小草枯萎了
我年幼时坚持过什么
你们还记不记得
 我自私的样子生长着
我内心的斗争停止了
我现在又变成了什么

薛： 这么做值不值得
岳： 所以 请你 同意
薛： 我回去拿个行李

合：
我疲倦的灵魂重演着
我沧桑的肉体缝补了
我梦境里追逐着什么
醒来后哭着笑了
醒来后继续活着

告訴自己 我要堅強

Bell 宇田
我们

記得從前的那個走廊
你搭著我的肩膀
是我一生 最好的時光
因為有你我勇敢夢想
哪怕千萬人阻擋
朋友是一種信仰

 * 好想 輕輕靠在
你的身旁 和從前一樣
不去 任何地方
只要有你 都是天堂
我的心事你幫我收藏
你頭髮我幫你綁
一起經過了憂傷
為何 眼光放得這麼長
如果最好 就在身旁

Repeat *
 好想 牽著你們
走在街上 看人來人往
就算 白髮蒼蒼
也要記得 那老地方
今天晚上我卸下了妝
看著自己的臉龐
告訴自己 我要堅強

I heard this song on 2nd June, on a train to Amsterdam Muiderpoort. The first train station I alighted a decade ago after the snow storm with my friend CL.

I have been thinking a lot of things. From friendship, work, love, marriage... I wondered, and i pondered as this song repeats again and again.

These days, I give up alot on family and friends because of the huge amount of work and stress. To the extent I worry daily, if i will die of overwork like the Japanese do. I worry about the pain on the left of my chest daily. I worry about the lack of sleep. And I think about the past where I have my friends to support me then.

How do I resolve this vicious life cycle? How will GA guide me? When I lost my wallet the next day (3rd June)... the very first time I lost a wallet.. and in a foreign country... I started reflecting. Has life brought me to such a state that I am incapable of even performing my every day duties. I am grateful that GA still protected me (I think). At least I only lost a credit card and an ov card. I dont remember what else is in the wallet other than cash and receipts. And because I got tired that I gave up collecting receipts, it felt I got tired of living and spending too.

It took me one week... and I still question myself every day... why did I lost my wallet. Is it so that I dont lose my sanity and thus this is just a pre-warning.

Month of June, where I take leave every mon & fri to force myself to rest.
Will I get the respite I need desperately? Do I know what life is installed for me? Can I find my path?

25th June update:
After taking 3 days off, I cancelled the rest of my last 2 week leave ... To be taken in Aug :)

Pitch and the power of suggestion

Is not about yanny or laurel fab that i'm posting this.. is about what Ellen said about "Hearing the exact same thing and then hear something completely different"... 

Which is my life story in this project.

I mean how often would I meet people who hear the same things as me, and yet come blaming me that I did not KT him?

Or read the same emails, and then come asking me to please response again when I did 5 minutes ago

But then actually the focus of Ellen video (to me) is all about pitch and the power of suggestion.

And I'm so going to use that next week, though I simply hate, dread that flight to that country to face those people who makes my blood boil and who chases me daily over a new tracker (imagine a list of NOT YET - sprint ready, UAT and now Closed tasks). Is like a never ending marathon seriously. Who needs running exercises when I'm running everyday from these tasks now.

But back to this laurel and yanny fab. What scares me most is that no matter how much brain wash I gave myself, telling my brain the correct answer is laurel... I just kept hearing yanny. I tried the pitch method, the brain wash method but it still don't work for me. Have I stayed out of my motherland too long that brainwashing doesn't work for me anymore?

凡所有相，皆是虚妄

从前，有个书生，他喜欢上尚府的千金
他们两情相悦，准备打算成亲了
但这位千金，却突然悔婚
书生很难过，伤心欲绝

然后他遇到了一个和尚
和尚听了他的事情，就掏出了一块镜子让他看
说，你看看你们的前世

有一个姑娘，遇贼被劫，暴尸荒野
期间，有三个男人经过
第一个男人，看了一眼，走了
第二个男人，看到姑娘尸体衣冠不整，很可怜
于是脱下了自己身上的衣服，盖住了姑娘
第三个男人，眼看姑娘暴尸荒野很可怜
于是，挖了一个坑，把姑娘埋葬了

和尚对书生说，镜中的姑娘便是你的未婚妻
而你，是那第二个男人
前世，你对姑娘有恩，所以你会和她有一段缘
是她欠你的
但她始终嫁给了第三个男人
因为，第三个男人对她恩义更重
她决定要以身相许

I was never interested in 《夸世代》until episode 32. When it repeated the story that I heard before. Which I always pondered about the significance of it on my life. And I remembered I tried to repeat this story before to...

武功分三个境界，见自己，见天地，见众生
修行也是这样，一开始，我我我，放眼远望后，方可以看到其他人

Is been a 2 years plus since I stay in Singapore with sufficient time (very judgmental on that) to arrange to meet people. And the last 2 weeks, the people I met were indeed of a wide range. I still met some of my regulars like my jap gals & my unimate-cum-colleague or my docent friend.

Then I had to meet 1 ex-colleagues who was upset with me for not sharing the good news. And which I am very touched by his kind gesture. his family had played a very significant part in my life in Melbourne and those days were very precious.

And then I met the friend I made at Domain Interchange. Another lady who also played a significant part in Melbourne too.

But what amazed me is to meet 2 other friends whom i haven't seen for a decade. I happen to be playing with the DIY coaster and decided to take a photo and send to the creator. Couldn't remember the last time we met though that was when we were both working already. After she gave up helping the family business and move into private sector, So I never met her till now.

The most amazing story though had to be my cap fren. Someone whom I haven't seen for 15 years i think. Funny that when I saw him, i just started talking like normal. And he had to remind me that we haven't met for a long time already. These are school friends who were part of my growing phase.

Am I feeling old? Perhaps because is the year again.

In any case, I feel blessed. GA always give me good friends at various stages who will advise me to the extent of nagging at me too. Like the recent one which I had just wrote a sinterklass poem to :

The first introduction letter was formal and showed your politeness The first video meeting was expensive but showed your willingness to help The first house visit was a surprise and showed your warmth But it was your constant nagging that made me realise you really are a good friend.

It was my first sinterklass poem but I did not get to see his reaction because he was not at his desk. The team said he shed a tear when he read the poem though haha. We all know personally I should leave, but professionally, I cannot leave. And thus the only other way is to keep chasing me to sleep or try not to harass me with lots of meetings.

I really do appreciate all these people who walked into my life. They make me stop to see the bigger picture.

TA GA!

Blogger new feature - BloggED?

Snapchat automatically delete messages once they’ve been viewed or have expired.

Instagram has "Stories" that let you add text and emoji to disappearing videos that only last for 24 hours.

WhatsApp has "Status," a new feature that's designed to let users share videos, photos, and GIFs that expire in 24 hours.

Maybe Blogger also has 'BloggED', where posts get published for 1 week before it gets deleted.

Either that or my eyes must be seeing things when I no longer saw that post today.

But hey, I'm giving Blogger a good idea right?

Fake a smile

Guess what, I actually don't know who she was till I googled 29+1. And I only wanted to google that because I wanted to find the actual play by Kearan Pang. But I was impressed by Joyce Cheng & Chrissie Chau's acting nonethless.

To say I love this movie, is unlikely. I mean I past that 1st round already. Still remember on Thursday when the 23 year old youngster kept asking everybody (and I meant everybody whether dames en heren) their age to confirm he is the baby, and I actually told him I'm 40. But he had to ask again and I told the actual age. I should have stick with 40 but I didn't want to be the oldest in the group haha. However I think I'm at this stage where I should start preparing to be on my second stage.

But if I really do hit 40, then my accomplishments are pretty pathetic. No children, no career. And no excuses to make on why either have failed. Just like those 29+1 year old girls gathering and talking about marriage or start of the career, I have also been part of gatherings where the talk is always about babies, how to look after them etc, or the peak of their career. Life is challenging when one needs to measure up. So half the time I turned hermit not because I'm not confident of myself but because I'm not fated to be either of the roles. Or at least I told CL that one needs to be fated even to be a mum (even if it is a single mum which so many movies have been on it and making it sound so simple like a risk-free operation. Watched Love Contractually starring Sammi Cheng and you will know it is not that simple.)

Talking about Love Contractually, that is indeed another movie for the 40s ladies. Peak of the career, single who then decided to looking for a tadpole. Failed that but found true love (too happily ever after ending if you asked me). And I guess all women converge in their thinking after a certain age.

Anyway whether 29+1 or 39+1, I guess the most important thing is to learn how to fake a smile, fake a frown. I remembered that scene where Chrissie Chau repeatedly said 'Don't want to go to work' while washing her face, eating breakfast and then putting make-up. But the moment she finished dressing up, she faked a smile and told herself 'Ready for work'.

I know there has been too many suicides of artistes due to depression and that the first sign of depression probably is something like this scene. But then unfortunately most of us have the same symptom of not wanting to get out of the bed (unless we constantly count our lucky stars that we have a choice to get out) because we are too self-conscious of our own selves. But I'm sure we are not all creative genius who will end up becoming tortured genius. 

Premium economy experience

It's been a while since I caught sunrise. Just that I was lazy to change my seat partly because it was full and since it was first row I thought it will be easy to get out. Apparently no because the neighbour was a Dutch (i.e. long legs). But still I thank my lucky stars because this flight which was bought by client, was a premium economy after all. So more seat space, better headset and supposedly different food. It's funny that my last article was on the Gold card, and now I'm on premium economy experience. It's even funnier that with better headset, yet I chose to sleep half the time. I am really lacking of sleep I guess. And the jetlag will kick in again, sigh :( . 

Still remember 3 weeks ago when I was on my first flight in premium economy, at the check-in counter I was asked if I am a premium economy passenger. And the guy was strict cos when the next group came and they weren't, he told them off that you don't just find the shortest Q to queue. 

So I got the prestige of skipping long queues again which I guess is indeed a good thing as taking 2 long haul flights is really no kidding business. But I wondered constantly, why was I booked in Cathay when my colleagues got SQ flights. At least it will accumulate my krisflyer and get me THAT gold card again? In preparation for my next 6 months of long haul flights?

Frankly speaking, the last time in HKG was almost a decade ago. It changed my life and I thought at that time, that will be the start of a new beginning. But I ended that story for reasons I might not be clear at and I cannot be regretful for. Because it was my choice. That doesn't stop me from wishing to know how Doc is. Especially in the last 3 flights, where I kept wondering if the captain is Doc's brother. One more flight to go, and probably one more last wondering. 

Next week will finally be the last week in Melbourne. Maybe I will try to call. Maybe I will lose the courage to hold the call. But for now let's try to do some HK shopping because I really don't see myself dropping by HK anymore as it hurts as much as Melbourne too. Next 6 months, change of continent, I hope I will be happier and then I hope my wish will come true soon. 

Does Gold Card matters?

The email came when I least expected it and in some sense it is gratifying news because of the waiting time I had to spend in the airport due to the intense flying I had planned (again my poor planning)

Ego defined by the external is the most common kind and the most flimsy. Because how the world responds to you affect your ego.

What I hope to attain is the internal ego defined by my own terms. To focuse on what makes me happy and forget the rest.. and hopefully everything sorts out itself.

p/s: Picking up another old draft to finally publish it. Written on 20th July 2011. I don't remember what photo I had wanted to post already cos the link was broken. But it's been 2 years since I lost THE gold card. Sometimes I might remember to use the other Priority Pass that comes with 2 free visits. But most of the time, I no longer care. I know there was a period of time I will play pokemon in airports and thus do not wish to be tied to one place. And other times I will be so sleepy I just made my way straight to the gate and wait outside till it is open. Perhaps I did finally lost that ego that was defined by many. Though sometimes boarding the plane is a pain that I wish I still have my Gold. Regardless what boarding group I am in, people no longer follow instructions. And maybe I should stop flying so much so I wouldn't have the chance to complain about this even and just enjoy it when I do fly. But it amazes me that re-visiting a 6 years old post, the mindset really change. Will re-visiting the memories change the relationship too? Mum had once in a while wants me to ask the Doc questions. But each time, it is Google that replied her. Sooner or later she will sense something. I guess just have to blame me this unfilial daughter for not being around their side and yet still unable to ease their worries away.

Second goodbye to Melbourne

The first goodbye was 4 years ago. I remembered most left and I was extended for 2 more weeks. Plus the base team that stayed.

To come back Melbourne again a second time, 2 years ago, I thought it wouldn't last long. At that time, I had already gave up a life here because my mind couldn't make it work no matter how I think. But I guess I had been too optimistic that the friendship can still work. When it broke down, everytime I see this book, it pained me. And so at my previous trip here, I finally decided to give it away .. back to Melbourne where it came from.

I think my body system must have been giving me some foretelling too. Even till this trip, the moment I reached, the eczema came back within a week. I no longer cherish any hope of running here anymore because the back of the knees are just too raw and itch easily no matter how much lotion or coconut oil I tried. The only relief I had is the cortisone cream I brought along which I always hated to use after what she once told me that it contains steroid and I might gain weight.

And with all these signs, today I should have gone back home for good. But the project stress was taking so much toil again that I once again extended myself for 2 more weeks and decided to fly to NL straight from here. Bad decision I know. But I have taken so many bad decisions, I no longer think 1 more matters anymore. Perhaps cos I always tell myself it is the last time I will do the client this last favour. Or because it did came as a surprise that this was supposed to be my last trip considering I had extended the invitation to my dad to visit in Aug and consume his air ticket privilege while he still has them. But then he has also reached a stage where travelling doesn't matter to him anymore (much like me) and probably is just pondering when he wants to retire and nurse his health properly.

In any case, probably the week in Aug, I will then feel the impact of this heavy heart that I will really leave this place for good already. If I ever come back Down Under in the next decade, it will never be Melbourne or Sydney anymore because these memories pained me so much that I now only hide at home on weekends and work if my colleagues did not asked me out. But I'm glad to still have gone back to Prahran twice already and relieved those initial memories.

I think I am still hoping for a salvation. Thus I'm writing this. I don't know. Perhaps, let's end this post and get back to work instead. Goodbye.

Yoshi Thermos story

3 weeks ago my client cum colleague mentioned that I have a bottle with her all these while that she kept forgetting to return to me. I stared at her blankly. And she said when she bring it, I will remember.

A week later she brought it to office but I still stared at her blankly. She said it was back in my Prahran days. I used to make lots of stuff then, ice cream, failed cookies, desserts. I did remember making fungus drink for her but I don't remember what I used to store for her. I remember I did stole a thermo from the Tasmania house but I don't remember how it look like. And somehow staring at this yoshi looking thermos flask, I felt yoshi saying it's familiar... but I don't remember how he look like.

Is that what is happening to me now? The past getting blurry. Every time I'm back in Melbourne, the heart aches, and the skin hurts. This is probably the worst bout of eczema as this time I even get it on the chin and my neck and I can't seem to ease it after 3 weeks already. No one seems to take me seriously though when I say I really cannot stay in Melbourne for long :(. It keeps getting worst that I fear for my life one day.. just kidding.

Anyway I finally decided to bring yoshi thermos home after 1 week of staring at it on my work desk. I guess it distracts me too much to think of the past during work. And while washing it, I actually kinda 'broke' the mouthpiece. And I seem to hear this phrase in the back of my mind saying, I always break things. Tried to fix it but it refused to pop up. And I started paralleling it to the fact that I wasn't able to fix the relationship either.

But a few days later, the mouthpiece suddenly popped up. Sigh. Unfortunately I don't know if I will live to see the day the relationship suddenly fix on its own. Right now I only want to know how to remove my stress so as to stop the itch and the flare-ups. It is such a vicious cycle though cos the redness is the cause of my depression and stress too :(.