A pawn in this chess game

I'm like a pawn in this chess game.

Regardless whether I'm a key piece or not.
Regardless whether I'm useful or not.
Regardless whether I have been appreciated or not.
Regardless whether I like it or not.

The irony is it took this to make it happen.
The irony is I once again became vocal at the wrong time.
The irony is a month later, I will be discarded as I outlived by usefulness.
The irony is I could just heck care what games they are playing because it no longer affects me.
The irony is I ended up still burning the bridges I hope to preserve.
The irony is I am still trying hard to clear what I can clear.
The irony is I still wish they could wish me well.

I only learnt one thing. That the next time, I will not tell anybody anything anymore. There are a lot of things I heard, a lot of things that I know will hurt people. And right now I'm claming myself up for fear of saying anything to these people if they keep probing. I decided they should just live in the peace they believe in. Why shatter the dreams.... just because my dreams got shattered.

The only good thing is I'm mentally drained to bother about how he is doing (i.e. I did care less afterall).
The bad thing is I'm ignoring all my other friends and I'm still feeling guilty towards QR.

Buying and Selling "Monkeys"?

Source: Email

If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...

Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ' Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50. '

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.

Bflygal's comments: May sound like a joke.. but there is some element of truth in it still...

Sighz XX has been showing me some articles and I find what some people said crappy. Stuff about unable to change car, cut down on spending, how pathetic they are now in the financial sector when out there in the world, people has lost their entire savings, their hard earned money. Actually all money earned are from blood and sweat, whichever industry you are in. So please, please don't beguile the innocent. And please, please don't be tempted by greed.

Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love

Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)

Bflygal's comments:
Why must there be comparison?
Why must I measure myself with my peers?
Why must I have what the people around me has?

I'm not like them.
I don't aspire for such stuff.

I admit I still need the basic needs.
I admit I'm still human.
And I admit I have been luckier than average.

But that is not the reason for the change.
But that is not the motivation to move.

Can you understand me?
Or can I even understand myself?

Nautical Run Aftermath

It's a Friday, and I'm in ECP haha. This is the 2nd run I participated in preparation... (1st run was SwingKPE.) So woke up early and head to ECP. Took bus 31 and saw familiar scenes... and unfamiliar scenes. Singapore is always changing, that is for sure. Brought back certain memories though as I realised I haven't been here for a real long time.



There were more than 1,300 participants from the Maritime Community and a total of $333,000 was raised for The President’s Challenge and The Straits Times School Pocket Money Fund.  I also learned why companies are willing to participate in such event (tax lesser on profits and make employees happy).

One of the free gift is a bear bear.. so cute right. I decided to take a top view of it to make its head BIG... just for fun haha


And this is the shirt.. Actually the material is not bad. I wore it for the run (to standardise with my colleagues).. and am intending to wear it for the next 2 runs.


Of course the crux though is how long I took... it is THE question once I completed the race.  And amazingly I took 42 mins 56 secs (45/133) considering that halfway in the run, I suddenly felt sick and was breaking in cold sweat.  Colleagues attributed to the hot weather.  I'm unsure, just felt it is worst than the NB trial run. 

Anyway after the event ended, went to do some cycling practises... see the sand sculpture exhibit which was part of the race route haha... As mentioned, I focus on the journey not the destination... Still remember while running, I saw a group of tourists at the sand sculpture area and was telling myself to complete the race faster so I can explore it too haha. 

I quite like the purpose of the sand sculpture exhibit.

Enjoy the view,
Appreciate what you see,
Take time to be still,
For Beauty exist only when we care and feel.

Then went to get my NB race pack and had dinner with my XX and his ISS gang at Ah Yat Seafood (so-so food.. oh ya I should remember to ask ST for the photos.  She was trying to take photo to show her colleague but towards the end of the course, she gave up and just concentrated on eating & chatting haha).

The finale though is I finally got a chance to see Keppel Bay. The funny thing is I passed by it for the past 2.5 years on my way to school... haha just another proof that JOURNEY MATTERS...

I really love the bridge... the light changes and I happen to catch it when it is purple... LOVELY!


And my last proof that journey matters is from this sculpture.

I had called it the droplet haha.. but its actual name is

Omega
Every voyage is marked
by a beginning
and a destination
by Sun Yu Li
2008

2nd attempt... déjà vu once again...

Is it his nature of never phrasing well?
Or is it a tactic to make me feel guilty?

Whatever it is, it hurts, it pricks my conscience.

The day before I feel troubled and uneasy.. the day had finally arrived but I felt fearful. I am only grateful sleep comes easily for me lately... I can just knock out by 9pm.. not sure is it because I ran too much or I'm bogged by too much worries or... but sleep comes easily and sometimes I do want to stay awake to read my books, blog some stuff... but I never made it there.

The day came and I decided to submit after lunch. Partly I have a meeting with them in the morning and I don't want to deal with them early in the morning with everybody's mind preoccupied with who will be taking over this demo when I'm gone.

This time, it was not obvious. I was standing instead of sitting like last year. Thus it looks like I'm asking official matter. But it is official matter. Colleague says I look quite calm and composed. Probably it comes with experience, having been unsuccessfully the previous time. I know I shocked my colleagues. It really don't look like the scene last year.. and yet once again he made me guilty. That is why this time I chose to pave my path first. Else I will just drag.

It hurts. It pricks my conscience. Even though they told me he was just giving a lame excuse to make me stay... the guilt tactic... and I should ignore it. But I can't help feeling bad if I really caused it. It was that matter, the re-shuffle after it, that made me gave up finally.

Before that I was just dragging the matter even though friends told me to think about it... I do regret not going earlier now. The economy is unstable and I'm getting doubtful if my decision is right. It took me a long time before I finally decided to accept. That period I just kept asking everybody the same question. I just kept asking the oracle the same question. I just kept asking GA… and each time GA told me to trust and accept Heaven’s help. Thus I finally decided to grit my teeth and cut the chords.

Déjà vu … The conversation was like last year… I really like learning from him. But I’m tired.. tired of forever waiting for my turn. Maybe they don’t realise it… but since I stepped in the first day, I already detected the queue. I don’t blame anybody, because I wasn’t treated as unfairly as my friend… but when told that I have to indeed wait… I had no choice but to tell him I don’t wish to wait anymore…

Anyway this is one of the rare days that I couldn’t care less about him.. especially when he made the start of my day terrible … He had asked a question and I couldn’t resist asking him back “If someone care from you afar, would you know or notice…”. It is a dumb question because I know he will not know and he confirmed it. It makes it even dumber because when I said that, I thought of QR and XDD… and how I always wished the ladies will know their concern.. how I always believed they will know… (I still am hopeful for them.. because at least they are females and females are sensitive by nature). QR said I’m optimistic to a point that he finds I’m the devil… devil’s temptation? I also don’t know why I’m that persistent… maybe that is why I’m forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone.. to care less for him??

Happy Children's Day

Time seems to flies past me quickly lately. October, the month I have been waiting for and dreading for suddenly loom into sight .. with a dramatic opening – Hari Raya Puasa cum Children’s Day.

To have a public holiday break is of course a luxury.. especially when October is going to be a frenzy period for me. So I took this chance to .. jog in the gym once again. (Ok, I can hear some people saying gym again… well I don’t have much life so that is how I lead my life.) Anyway this is the first time I develop a blister in my toe for running too much. Hmm somehow I feel over-running can really wreck a body. I might stop all running once the SC event is over… sigh then the only sad part is I have not conquered a marathon yet. Guess I will decide later.

Seriously I feel running is a mental game and somehow any mind game is unsuitable for me. Maybe that is why lately I’m getting tired easily. I can sleep as early as 8-9pm at times and is irritating my family at times because I will just concussed with the lights on. Hmm must be the jogging sessions. I really should take it easy and force myself to concentrate on the journey, not the destination.

What my friend told me came into mind:
“When you want to do something, you take a bold step forward into the unknown. You try it with all your heart.
If it fails, you take a step backwards BUT .. you are just back to square one. Never worse off.
What is failure? Never measure failure with what you might have, measure it with what you might never achieve.”

Makes sense I guess. I just need more self-confidence, more courage and more faith that GA is there for me. It is just that I know I’m lucky doesn’t mean I should take my good luck for granted. I treasured it very much. Just that I'm a worrier by nature.

Anyway mum met me after my gym session and we went to pray and do some shopping (because she wanted to exchange something that she bought). I get to eat my popiah in Qiji after craving for it for quite some time haha. And I was hobbling around Bugis .. lots of renovation work going around so Bugis seems a bit foreign to me.

Afternote: Not sure if I did mentioned but I finally sponsor a child .. Been thinking about it since 2004.. Been weighing it since 2006... It is after all a responsibility one must take seriously. Maybe is the tagline "One Life, Do something" , maybe I just decided there is never a right moment... Afterall how to define stability? And after making the decision, the economy just slided down. So one can never tell bah.

To Speed Up Firefox

Source: Digital Life (Oct 1 2008) from DL reader Deshawn Toh

1. Fire up Firefox
2. Type “about:config” into the address bar 
3. You will see a warning: "This might void your warranty..."
   Click the button that says "I'll be careful, I promise!
4. Scroll down and look for the following entries
   network.http.pipelining: Set value to "true" by double clicking that line
   network.http.proxy.pipelining: Set value to "true" by double clicking that line
   network.http.pipelining.maxrequests: Change the value from 4 to between 8 and 30 (This means it will make 8-30 requests at once.)
   
   Normally the browser will make one request to a web page at a time. When you enable pipelining it will make several at once, which really speeds up page loading.
   
   
5. Lastly right-click anywhere in the brwoser, select "New" and then "Integer". Name it “nglayout.initialpaint.delay” and set its value to “0″. This value is the amount of time the browser waits before it acts on information it receives.

Additional Tip:
Install the add-on, AdBlock Plus (from mozilla.com) to prevents time-wasting ads and banners from loading.

我只能为你画一张小卡片

Source : http://jimmy.mdino.com/jimmykapian.htm
Source: Jimmy



我的心常下雪，不管天气如何，
他总是突然地结冻，无法商量。
我望向繁花盛开的世界，固定缺席。
我的心开始下雪，雪无声地覆盖了所有，
湮灭了迷惘、骄傲与哀痛，
当一切规於寂静时，世界突然变的清亮明朗。
所以，别为我伤忧，我有我的美丽，它正要开始。

Sembawang Jog

Travel Details:
Town: Sembawang


Decided to jog around my workplace because I have always been fascinated with the scenery here. XDD made use of www.mapmyrun.com to calculate the route (because his map reading.. especially measuring the distance... is problematic? Haha still dare to tell me use the traditional paper and ruler method, end up also use high-tech way... )

Anyway here is the proposed route.. about 12km...



Started running about 6pm. I let the other training team goes first because they were regular runners and will stress me. Btw they were training for the Nautical run...

The first 2/5 of the route I did restrain myself from stopping. But when I finally reach Yishun Industrial, I kind of gave in to temptation and took my first picture... Can you see the birds? Haha.. in the evening, one can see lots of birds coming back to Yishun. Lovely sight!



Part of the plan is to let me visit the Sembawang Park because I'm curious...


Source: Nparks

The route also include passing by the Bottle Tree Village... and those restaurants e.g. Bealieu House, Buckaroo ... Areas that either I have memories about or were frequently mentioned by my colleagues (when touching on food topics).

As usual I did not managed to catch the sunset.. don't know where it was setting also. But the sea view at the Park was beautiful.

While jogging (and walking), I thought a lot. About destination and journey. About how much time I spent running, and that these times when I concentrate, at least I am not thinking about certain matters. About the more I train, the slower I become haha. And other stuff that I had forgotten about now that I'm blogging...

Under the Menoa Tree

The following is an abridged excerpt from ELDEST by Christopher Paolini

“Of course she’s awake,” said Arya. Her voice was low and mellow in the night air. “Shall I tell you the story of the Menoa tree?”

“I’d like that.”

A flash of white streaked across the sky, like a banished specter, and resolved itself beside Saphira in the form of Blagden. The raven’s narrow shoulders and crooked neck gave him the appearance of a miser basking in the radiance of a pile of gold. The raven lifted his pallid head and uttered his ominous cry, “Wyrda!”

“This is what happened. Once there lived a woman, Linnëa, in the years of spice and wine before our war with the dragons and before we became as immortal as any beings still composed of vulnerable flesh can be. Linnëa had grown old without the comfort of a mate or children, nor did she feel the need to seek them out, preferring to occupy herself with the art of singing to plants, of which she was a master. That is, she did until a young man came to her door and beguiled her with words of love. His affections woke a part of Linnëa that she had never suspected existed, a craving to experience the things that she had unknowingly sacrificed. The offer of a second chance was too great an opportunity for her to ignore. She deserted her work and devoted herself to the young man and, for a time, they were happy.

“But the young man was young, and he began to long for a mate closer to his own age. His eye fell upon a young woman, and he wooed and won her. And for a time, they too were happy.

“When Linnëa discovered that she had been spurned, scorned, and abandoned, she went mad with grief. The young man had done the worst possible thing; he had given her a taste of the fullness of life, then torn it away with no more thought than a rooster flitting from one hen to the next. She found him with the woman and, in her fury, she stabbed him to death.

“Linnëa knew that what she had done was evil. She also knew that even if she was exonerated of the murder, she could not return to her previous existence. Life had lost all joy for her. So she went to the oldest tree in Du Weldenvarden, pressed herself against it, and sang herself into the tree, abandoning all allegiance to her own race. For three days and three nights she sang, and when she finished, she had become one with her beloved plants. And through all the millennia since has she kept watch over the forest . . . . Thus was the Menoa tree created.”

At the conclusion of her tale, Arya and Eragon sat side by side on the crest of a huge root, twelve feet off the ground. Eragon bounced his heels against the tree and wondered if Arya had intended the story as a warning to him or if it was merely an innocent piece of history. His doubt hardened into certainty when she asked, “Do you think that the young man was to blame for the tragedy?”

“I think,” he said, knowing that a clumsy reply could turn her against him, “that what he did was cruel . . . and that Linnëa overreacted. They were both at fault.”

Arya stared at him until he was forced to avert his gaze. “They weren’t suited for each other.”

Eragon began to deny it but then stopped himself. She was right. And she had maneuvered him so that he had to say it out loud, so that he had to say it to her. “Perhaps,” he admitted.

Bflygal's comments:
Reading Eragon is what keeping me occupied lately.. and coincidentally the third book was out just last Saturday which made me more resolved to finish the first 2 books... and neglect all my other tasks which includes blogging.

While copying this story, I did ponder if I should rectify the spelling error I saw. But I left them alone in the end because it is extracted from ELDEST and I should respect the author as he might have meant the spelling as it is… I’m not him so I would never know.

This story is by far the only story that I felt thought-provoking enough to repeat a summarised version to QR. The only reason is because I liked Eragon’s analysis: “They were both at fault”. It was something I was indirectly telling QR.

Those who know me know I will not comment too much about their heart affairs unless I see something amiss. Thus you can be blinded by love and pursuing love foolishly, it is your own accord and I will not dissuade you otherwise so long you know the full implications your actions caused.

While many would feel injustice for the pursuer should his/her love be unrequited especially when he/she might have been led on, I can only say … both were at fault. And yes, it hurts… badly… but we can only lived and get accustomed to it because, as long as the pursuer still cherish a spark of hope, there are little choices to avoid the heart throbbing pain.