Blogger new feature - BloggED?

Snapchat automatically delete messages once they’ve been viewed or have expired.

Instagram has "Stories" that let you add text and emoji to disappearing videos that only last for 24 hours.

WhatsApp has "Status," a new feature that's designed to let users share videos, photos, and GIFs that expire in 24 hours.

Maybe Blogger also has 'BloggED', where posts get published for 1 week before it gets deleted.

Either that or my eyes must be seeing things when I no longer saw that post today.

But hey, I'm giving Blogger a good idea right?

Fake a smile

Guess what, I actually don't know who she was till I googled 29+1. And I only wanted to google that because I wanted to find the actual play by Kearan Pang. But I was impressed by Joyce Cheng & Chrissie Chau's acting nonethless.

To say I love this movie, is unlikely. I mean I past that 1st round already. Still remember on Thursday when the 23 year old youngster kept asking everybody (and I meant everybody whether dames en heren) their age to confirm he is the baby, and I actually told him I'm 40. But he had to ask again and I told the actual age. I should have stick with 40 but I didn't want to be the oldest in the group haha. However I think I'm at this stage where I should start preparing to be on my second stage.

But if I really do hit 40, then my accomplishments are pretty pathetic. No children, no career. And no excuses to make on why either have failed. Just like those 29+1 year old girls gathering and talking about marriage or start of the career, I have also been part of gatherings where the talk is always about babies, how to look after them etc, or the peak of their career. Life is challenging when one needs to measure up. So half the time I turned hermit not because I'm not confident of myself but because I'm not fated to be either of the roles. Or at least I told CL that one needs to be fated even to be a mum (even if it is a single mum which so many movies have been on it and making it sound so simple like a risk-free operation. Watched Love Contractually starring Sammi Cheng and you will know it is not that simple.)

Talking about Love Contractually, that is indeed another movie for the 40s ladies. Peak of the career, single who then decided to looking for a tadpole. Failed that but found true love (too happily ever after ending if you asked me). And I guess all women converge in their thinking after a certain age.

Anyway whether 29+1 or 39+1, I guess the most important thing is to learn how to fake a smile, fake a frown. I remembered that scene where Chrissie Chau repeatedly said 'Don't want to go to work' while washing her face, eating breakfast and then putting make-up. But the moment she finished dressing up, she faked a smile and told herself 'Ready for work'.

I know there has been too many suicides of artistes due to depression and that the first sign of depression probably is something like this scene. But then unfortunately most of us have the same symptom of not wanting to get out of the bed (unless we constantly count our lucky stars that we have a choice to get out) because we are too self-conscious of our own selves. But I'm sure we are not all creative genius who will end up becoming tortured genius. 

Premium economy experience

It's been a while since I caught sunrise. Just that I was lazy to change my seat partly because it was full and since it was first row I thought it will be easy to get out. Apparently no because the neighbour was a Dutch (i.e. long legs). But still I thank my lucky stars because this flight which was bought by client, was a premium economy after all. So more seat space, better headset and supposedly different food. It's funny that my last article was on the Gold card, and now I'm on premium economy experience. It's even funnier that with better headset, yet I chose to sleep half the time. I am really lacking of sleep I guess. And the jetlag will kick in again, sigh :( . 

Still remember 3 weeks ago when I was on my first flight in premium economy, at the check-in counter I was asked if I am a premium economy passenger. And the guy was strict cos when the next group came and they weren't, he told them off that you don't just find the shortest Q to queue. 

So I got the prestige of skipping long queues again which I guess is indeed a good thing as taking 2 long haul flights is really no kidding business. But I wondered constantly, why was I booked in Cathay when my colleagues got SQ flights. At least it will accumulate my krisflyer and get me THAT gold card again? In preparation for my next 6 months of long haul flights?

Frankly speaking, the last time in HKG was almost a decade ago. It changed my life and I thought at that time, that will be the start of a new beginning. But I ended that story for reasons I might not be clear at and I cannot be regretful for. Because it was my choice. That doesn't stop me from wishing to know how Doc is. Especially in the last 3 flights, where I kept wondering if the captain is Doc's brother. One more flight to go, and probably one more last wondering. 

Next week will finally be the last week in Melbourne. Maybe I will try to call. Maybe I will lose the courage to hold the call. But for now let's try to do some HK shopping because I really don't see myself dropping by HK anymore as it hurts as much as Melbourne too. Next 6 months, change of continent, I hope I will be happier and then I hope my wish will come true soon. 

Does Gold Card matters?

The email came when I least expected it and in some sense it is gratifying news because of the waiting time I had to spend in the airport due to the intense flying I had planned (again my poor planning)

Ego defined by the external is the most common kind and the most flimsy. Because how the world responds to you affect your ego.

What I hope to attain is the internal ego defined by my own terms. To focuse on what makes me happy and forget the rest.. and hopefully everything sorts out itself.

p/s: Picking up another old draft to finally publish it. Written on 20th July 2011. I don't remember what photo I had wanted to post already cos the link was broken. But it's been 2 years since I lost THE gold card. Sometimes I might remember to use the other Priority Pass that comes with 2 free visits. But most of the time, I no longer care. I know there was a period of time I will play pokemon in airports and thus do not wish to be tied to one place. And other times I will be so sleepy I just made my way straight to the gate and wait outside till it is open. Perhaps I did finally lost that ego that was defined by many. Though sometimes boarding the plane is a pain that I wish I still have my Gold. Regardless what boarding group I am in, people no longer follow instructions. And maybe I should stop flying so much so I wouldn't have the chance to complain about this even and just enjoy it when I do fly. But it amazes me that re-visiting a 6 years old post, the mindset really change. Will re-visiting the memories change the relationship too? Mum had once in a while wants me to ask the Doc questions. But each time, it is Google that replied her. Sooner or later she will sense something. I guess just have to blame me this unfilial daughter for not being around their side and yet still unable to ease their worries away.

Second goodbye to Melbourne

The first goodbye was 4 years ago. I remembered most left and I was extended for 2 more weeks. Plus the base team that stayed.

To come back Melbourne again a second time, 2 years ago, I thought it wouldn't last long. At that time, I had already gave up a life here because my mind couldn't make it work no matter how I think. But I guess I had been too optimistic that the friendship can still work. When it broke down, everytime I see this book, it pained me. And so at my previous trip here, I finally decided to give it away .. back to Melbourne where it came from.

I think my body system must have been giving me some foretelling too. Even till this trip, the moment I reached, the eczema came back within a week. I no longer cherish any hope of running here anymore because the back of the knees are just too raw and itch easily no matter how much lotion or coconut oil I tried. The only relief I had is the cortisone cream I brought along which I always hated to use after what she once told me that it contains steroid and I might gain weight.

And with all these signs, today I should have gone back home for good. But the project stress was taking so much toil again that I once again extended myself for 2 more weeks and decided to fly to NL straight from here. Bad decision I know. But I have taken so many bad decisions, I no longer think 1 more matters anymore. Perhaps cos I always tell myself it is the last time I will do the client this last favour. Or because it did came as a surprise that this was supposed to be my last trip considering I had extended the invitation to my dad to visit in Aug and consume his air ticket privilege while he still has them. But then he has also reached a stage where travelling doesn't matter to him anymore (much like me) and probably is just pondering when he wants to retire and nurse his health properly.

In any case, probably the week in Aug, I will then feel the impact of this heavy heart that I will really leave this place for good already. If I ever come back Down Under in the next decade, it will never be Melbourne or Sydney anymore because these memories pained me so much that I now only hide at home on weekends and work if my colleagues did not asked me out. But I'm glad to still have gone back to Prahran twice already and relieved those initial memories.

I think I am still hoping for a salvation. Thus I'm writing this. I don't know. Perhaps, let's end this post and get back to work instead. Goodbye.

Yoshi Thermos story

3 weeks ago my client cum colleague mentioned that I have a bottle with her all these while that she kept forgetting to return to me. I stared at her blankly. And she said when she bring it, I will remember.

A week later she brought it to office but I still stared at her blankly. She said it was back in my Prahran days. I used to make lots of stuff then, ice cream, failed cookies, desserts. I did remember making fungus drink for her but I don't remember what I used to store for her. I remember I did stole a thermo from the Tasmania house but I don't remember how it look like. And somehow staring at this yoshi looking thermos flask, I felt yoshi saying it's familiar... but I don't remember how he look like.

Is that what is happening to me now? The past getting blurry. Every time I'm back in Melbourne, the heart aches, and the skin hurts. This is probably the worst bout of eczema as this time I even get it on the chin and my neck and I can't seem to ease it after 3 weeks already. No one seems to take me seriously though when I say I really cannot stay in Melbourne for long :(. It keeps getting worst that I fear for my life one day.. just kidding.

Anyway I finally decided to bring yoshi thermos home after 1 week of staring at it on my work desk. I guess it distracts me too much to think of the past during work. And while washing it, I actually kinda 'broke' the mouthpiece. And I seem to hear this phrase in the back of my mind saying, I always break things. Tried to fix it but it refused to pop up. And I started paralleling it to the fact that I wasn't able to fix the relationship either.

But a few days later, the mouthpiece suddenly popped up. Sigh. Unfortunately I don't know if I will live to see the day the relationship suddenly fix on its own. Right now I only want to know how to remove my stress so as to stop the itch and the flare-ups. It is such a vicious cycle though cos the redness is the cause of my depression and stress too :(.

And that one step changes their relationship

After Goblin, I thought I will stop kdrama. But my recent trip back from korea made my heart itch for another kdrama. And I chose "Strong Woman Do Bong Soon" to fill the itch. And finished it within the week, before the next project goes on full force.

I didn't plan to blog on it though but there were a few running thoughts when I finally reached the last episode and I decided to do just penned a short pensieve.

“Progressing from friends to lovers is simple; one person just needs to take a step closer. And that one step changes their relationship.”
- Min Min said to Bong Bong on her first love

I guess the same can be said that one wrong step can change everything too. And that's why Policeman might have made the wrong step when he said that he like girls who are weak even though he was referring to Bong Bong. Because after that, everything became off for them.

Or maybe it was because policeman "couldn't see her feelings because I was overwhelmed with mine."

Of which the brother asked "If I told you, would it have been different?"

I once knew a couple that like each other. I knew how each of them feel. But nothing ever happened to them. And the guy went on to like and marry another person instead. I always wondered how come they don't know how each other felt. And had it been wrong that I did not disclose it for them. Or was it just not meant to be? Maybe it is true that one can get blinded by one's own overwhelmed feelings.

Anyway this had been a super slow drama. Especially on the pervert part, it actually stretched till the second last episode before it finally closed the story. I almost died in excruciating pain waiting for the pervert to be caught. But scenes like re-watching Han River and Banpo Bridge (i think it is) again made me remember my Korea trip. And when she appeared at COEX, I was thinking to myself, oh I know that place. There's not many drama where I usually can relate to the places. I'm guessing it is because how recently I just visited Korea that's why I felt all so familiar.

But my favourite scene has to be the wedding. Because it is exactly like how my friend's wedding procession is like. I remember being so excited about the bridal room because I used to see it in other kdramas. And seeing my friend waiting in the bridal room was probably one of the most beautiful moment in my life. I'm so glad I had attended her wedding. And this wedding scene totally relieve the moments for me again.  Aww...

Here's to the mess we make

I was glad to have caught La La Land on the plane last month. I didn't know what I was expecting. I didn't know the ending was controversial. I didn't know most didn't like the ending. Because... I do. Because it touched such a raw nerve, so accurate that I wanted to blog about it immediately. I don't know why I didn't. But I know why I did it finally today.

Once again, I lost the access to the blogs. Is not the first time. Will it be the last time? Decade ago, when we had such fights, this will be the tactic used. Nowadays we hardly even spoke a word, yet I am still subjected to such treatment. I cannot send a word, I cannot ask a question. And I stopped posting on FB so as not to upset. But I know that the korea trip, I will be tagged. And I thought maybe just 1 post. But when I realised I lost the access.. I finally let go..

I really had high hopes.. that the friendship can be salvaged. The heart ache so much.. that it failed. Had I really overrated the person? Or had I been selfish to think it could have worked? Is that why Mia had to walk away? No matter how much Sebastian had dreamt of the future, he was not with his jazz club in that future. It's only in real life that he and her can achieved everything they want. At the expense of a diverging path.

Here's to the ones who dream 

Foolish as they may seem 

Here's to the hearts that ache 

Here's to the mess we make 

She told me: 

"A bit of madness is key 

To give us new colors to see 

Who knows where it will lead us? 

And that's why they need us"

- "The Fools Who Dream" by Emma Stone

Read before you drink

I used to never care about ingredient lists. I used to believe that everybody that makes food, has a conscience. But these days, with the viral videos of fake meat, coloured fruits and vegetables and even fake rice, I'm getting very paranoid.

So I thought maybe drinks will be spared. And I started liking almond milk, that everytime woolies or coles have a brand on half price, I will definitely choose that brand. That is until I read about Carrageenan and Gellan Gum. Hmm. 2 new ingredients that I never once bothered. 

And surprise, almost all the almond milks that I have consumed, has either of these ingredients. To tell you the truth, I don't think it has a very serious impact on me. Hmm unless the serious eczema condition is due to it because that's something I been battling for a few months which I find it odd too. Odd that it has affected more areas than it used to affect. I attributed it to old age i.e. genetics change. 

These 2 ingredients, especially carrageenan, usually affect those with indigestion though. Maybe the thought of IBS reminded me of someone, which lead me to write this post. To remind that in this world, people are putting more and more artificial ingredients in our food, and we should stop eating and drinking blindly. 

That's all I can do for now. Other than drinking only Pureharvest almond milk which is the only one I trust for now but rarely goes on specials. Sigh. 

P/S: I find it amusing that when I add and you accept, then why am I removed afterwards. Puzzling thoughts.

PP/S: And I finally used up the gargle solution from last year and yet my throat is still sore.  Oh well, at least one less item to keep. 

Fear of time

Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out. - Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

I had visited the library in hope to find "The Girl on the Train" novel. Because the girls had wanted to watch it in the outdoor cinema but I had rejected the invite. Because some days, I still see the ghosts of yesteryears and although I know that

Holding on to things only breaks your heart 

I didn't want to erase certain memories.

And a man without memories is just a shell. 

But I couldn't find that book. Instead I found The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. A weird story plot. But yet a very thought provoking book. And these days, I'm into weird story plots anyway. How else can I accept a mermaid that can erase memories. Or a grim reaper offering the paradise tea. Or even the almighty who cast the oblivion spell.

When you are young, you wish time will go faster. I don't know at which stage though,  I have wished for time to be slower. I wake up each day, feeling unfulfilled.

Everything man does today to be efficient, to fill the hour? It does not satisfy. It only makes him hungry to do more. Man wants to own his existence. But no one owns time. When you are measuring life, you are not living it.

I guess that is my problem. Measuring my life's existence. Thinking I own time. Forgetting that I come to this life empty handed, and I leave empty handed.

I don't know is it the thought if almighty is really that petty as Goblin portrayed was the reason for this post, or the shock from the Friday's accident at Bourke St mall that invoke me to type this post. The fear that time can be taken away from you so suddenly, 2 blocks away from where you stay.

Just as I don't know if the oblivion tea is the deity's way of showing grace? It's so you won't fall in agony at your next life. Even Legends has shown that if you retain your memories in your next life, and if you are a sinner, you will lead a very miserable second life too. Funny that all these shows philosophies can actually relate to each other in the same way.

I only wish that for all the grief that has been caused by one reckless driver, they will all be offered the paradise tea to forget the trauma they had endured. 2017 has indeed started with a very different note. Hopefully the arrival of the CNY will bring some happier notes.