Stand out?

Sometimes I think I’m too rigid, too stubborn in my pursuit of a life that most might not agree upon.

Events like being rebuked even though in a mild tone might irked me the whole day (...) because even though I could see why I might have been wrong, I just feel that if instructions were not handed in clearly, I should have my right of way. This of course doesn’t work in the real world due to human emotional entanglements. That’s where the stakeholder’s theory came about with factors like obligations and trust factors to consider.

And when instructions were sent out last minute, but written clearly, as much as I grumbled that it is just too last minute and that I’m already on leave, I cannot and am unable to ignore the instructions. Even if I have been told countless of times that I DO NOT need to return back to finish my testing by Friday since I’m on leave already.

I know most will either say I’m
1) stupid
2) stubborn
But to say I wish to stand out.. was something I tried to avoid and am quite hurt about it. The fact that the whole plan was not clearly distributed black and white other than verbally in a fortnightly meeting has already make me disinterested in the system, which I admit is my fault. The fact that I did not take an initiative to change my connection file and waited for my colleague to do so since it is going to be a common file used by all, and I did not rush him to do so, is also my fault. So the last thing I want to be faulted is to be the cause for any parts of the plan to be affected. And even if nothing will be affected, I cannot take my leave in peace if I know someone had wanted me to finish my testing by Friday. It just bugs me the whole of yesterday that I cannot study in peace as much as my colleague already assured me that I am allowed to drag the testing since I’m on leave.

Yes, I’m stubborn. I don’t want anybody to have a handle against me. Because I have enough handles by my boss already. It is a known fact that they know clearly what I’m doing. In fact, I have been part of the gossip subject albeit unintentionally which at that time hurts me (...). But all these I asked for it, so I can’t complain. Thus why do I want to add one more handle when I can avoid. To finish the testing of the system takes me just two hours. The fact that the car is available for use and that it is a Labour Day thus nobody is in the office and I can be in casual wear, sounds good for me to go back.

What I did not expect is that no proper transport request has been generated yet. Thus all I did was to clarify with my colleague only to have him say what I did is trying to stand out. Sigh times like this I really find the real world too complicated to handle and wish to just go somewhere less developed but also less complicated to avoid all these hated office politics.

Many years ago, I had told myself to stop worrying about people’s view of me (...)… even till now, I am still trying very hard to accomplish it.