Does Gold Card matters?

The email came when I least expected it and in some sense it is gratifying news because of the waiting time I had to spend in the airport due to the intense flying I had planned (again my poor planning)

Ego defined by the external is the most common kind and the most flimsy. Because how the world responds to you affect your ego.

What I hope to attain is the internal ego defined by my own terms. To focuse on what makes me happy and forget the rest.. and hopefully everything sorts out itself.

p/s: Picking up another old draft to finally publish it. Written on 20th July 2011. I don't remember what photo I had wanted to post already cos the link was broken. But it's been 2 years since I lost THE gold card. Sometimes I might remember to use the other Priority Pass that comes with 2 free visits. But most of the time, I no longer care. I know there was a period of time I will play pokemon in airports and thus do not wish to be tied to one place. And other times I will be so sleepy I just made my way straight to the gate and wait outside till it is open. Perhaps I did finally lost that ego that was defined by many. Though sometimes boarding the plane is a pain that I wish I still have my Gold. Regardless what boarding group I am in, people no longer follow instructions. And maybe I should stop flying so much so I wouldn't have the chance to complain about this even and just enjoy it when I do fly. But it amazes me that re-visiting a 6 years old post, the mindset really change. Will re-visiting the memories change the relationship too? Mum had once in a while wants me to ask the Doc questions. But each time, it is Google that replied her. Sooner or later she will sense something. I guess just have to blame me this unfilial daughter for not being around their side and yet still unable to ease their worries away.

Second goodbye to Melbourne

The first goodbye was 4 years ago. I remembered most left and I was extended for 2 more weeks. Plus the base team that stayed.

To come back Melbourne again a second time, 2 years ago, I thought it wouldn't last long. At that time, I had already gave up a life here because my mind couldn't make it work no matter how I think. But I guess I had been too optimistic that the friendship can still work. When it broke down, everytime I see this book, it pained me. And so at my previous trip here, I finally decided to give it away .. back to Melbourne where it came from.

I think my body system must have been giving me some foretelling too. Even till this trip, the moment I reached, the eczema came back within a week. I no longer cherish any hope of running here anymore because the back of the knees are just too raw and itch easily no matter how much lotion or coconut oil I tried. The only relief I had is the cortisone cream I brought along which I always hated to use after what she once told me that it contains steroid and I might gain weight.

And with all these signs, today I should have gone back home for good. But the project stress was taking so much toil again that I once again extended myself for 2 more weeks and decided to fly to NL straight from here. Bad decision I know. But I have taken so many bad decisions, I no longer think 1 more matters anymore. Perhaps cos I always tell myself it is the last time I will do the client this last favour. Or because it did came as a surprise that this was supposed to be my last trip considering I had extended the invitation to my dad to visit in Aug and consume his air ticket privilege while he still has them. But then he has also reached a stage where travelling doesn't matter to him anymore (much like me) and probably is just pondering when he wants to retire and nurse his health properly.

In any case, probably the week in Aug, I will then feel the impact of this heavy heart that I will really leave this place for good already. If I ever come back Down Under in the next decade, it will never be Melbourne or Sydney anymore because these memories pained me so much that I now only hide at home on weekends and work if my colleagues did not asked me out. But I'm glad to still have gone back to Prahran twice already and relieved those initial memories.

I think I am still hoping for a salvation. Thus I'm writing this. I don't know. Perhaps, let's end this post and get back to work instead. Goodbye.

Yoshi Thermos story

3 weeks ago my client cum colleague mentioned that I have a bottle with her all these while that she kept forgetting to return to me. I stared at her blankly. And she said when she bring it, I will remember.

A week later she brought it to office but I still stared at her blankly. She said it was back in my Prahran days. I used to make lots of stuff then, ice cream, failed cookies, desserts. I did remember making fungus drink for her but I don't remember what I used to store for her. I remember I did stole a thermo from the Tasmania house but I don't remember how it look like. And somehow staring at this yoshi looking thermos flask, I felt yoshi saying it's familiar... but I don't remember how he look like.

Is that what is happening to me now? The past getting blurry. Every time I'm back in Melbourne, the heart aches, and the skin hurts. This is probably the worst bout of eczema as this time I even get it on the chin and my neck and I can't seem to ease it after 3 weeks already. No one seems to take me seriously though when I say I really cannot stay in Melbourne for long :(. It keeps getting worst that I fear for my life one day.. just kidding.

Anyway I finally decided to bring yoshi thermos home after 1 week of staring at it on my work desk. I guess it distracts me too much to think of the past during work. And while washing it, I actually kinda 'broke' the mouthpiece. And I seem to hear this phrase in the back of my mind saying, I always break things. Tried to fix it but it refused to pop up. And I started paralleling it to the fact that I wasn't able to fix the relationship either.

But a few days later, the mouthpiece suddenly popped up. Sigh. Unfortunately I don't know if I will live to see the day the relationship suddenly fix on its own. Right now I only want to know how to remove my stress so as to stop the itch and the flare-ups. It is such a vicious cycle though cos the redness is the cause of my depression and stress too :(.

And that one step changes their relationship

After Goblin, I thought I will stop kdrama. But my recent trip back from korea made my heart itch for another kdrama. And I chose "Strong Woman Do Bong Soon" to fill the itch. And finished it within the week, before the next project goes on full force.

I didn't plan to blog on it though but there were a few running thoughts when I finally reached the last episode and I decided to do just penned a short pensieve.

“Progressing from friends to lovers is simple; one person just needs to take a step closer. And that one step changes their relationship.”
- Min Min said to Bong Bong on her first love

I guess the same can be said that one wrong step can change everything too. And that's why Policeman might have made the wrong step when he said that he like girls who are weak even though he was referring to Bong Bong. Because after that, everything became off for them.

Or maybe it was because policeman "couldn't see her feelings because I was overwhelmed with mine."

Of which the brother asked "If I told you, would it have been different?"

I once knew a couple that like each other. I knew how each of them feel. But nothing ever happened to them. And the guy went on to like and marry another person instead. I always wondered how come they don't know how each other felt. And had it been wrong that I did not disclose it for them. Or was it just not meant to be? Maybe it is true that one can get blinded by one's own overwhelmed feelings.

Anyway this had been a super slow drama. Especially on the pervert part, it actually stretched till the second last episode before it finally closed the story. I almost died in excruciating pain waiting for the pervert to be caught. But scenes like re-watching Han River and Banpo Bridge (i think it is) again made me remember my Korea trip. And when she appeared at COEX, I was thinking to myself, oh I know that place. There's not many drama where I usually can relate to the places. I'm guessing it is because how recently I just visited Korea that's why I felt all so familiar.

But my favourite scene has to be the wedding. Because it is exactly like how my friend's wedding procession is like. I remember being so excited about the bridal room because I used to see it in other kdramas. And seeing my friend waiting in the bridal room was probably one of the most beautiful moment in my life. I'm so glad I had attended her wedding. And this wedding scene totally relieve the moments for me again.  Aww...

Here's to the mess we make

I was glad to have caught La La Land on the plane last month. I didn't know what I was expecting. I didn't know the ending was controversial. I didn't know most didn't like the ending. Because... I do. Because it touched such a raw nerve, so accurate that I wanted to blog about it immediately. I don't know why I didn't. But I know why I did it finally today.

Once again, I lost the access to the blogs. Is not the first time. Will it be the last time? Decade ago, when we had such fights, this will be the tactic used. Nowadays we hardly even spoke a word, yet I am still subjected to such treatment. I cannot send a word, I cannot ask a question. And I stopped posting on FB so as not to upset. But I know that the korea trip, I will be tagged. And I thought maybe just 1 post. But when I realised I lost the access.. I finally let go..

I really had high hopes.. that the friendship can be salvaged. The heart ache so much.. that it failed. Had I really overrated the person? Or had I been selfish to think it could have worked? Is that why Mia had to walk away? No matter how much Sebastian had dreamt of the future, he was not with his jazz club in that future. It's only in real life that he and her can achieved everything they want. At the expense of a diverging path.

Here's to the ones who dream 

Foolish as they may seem 

Here's to the hearts that ache 

Here's to the mess we make 

She told me: 

"A bit of madness is key 

To give us new colors to see 

Who knows where it will lead us? 

And that's why they need us"

- "The Fools Who Dream" by Emma Stone

Read before you drink

I used to never care about ingredient lists. I used to believe that everybody that makes food, has a conscience. But these days, with the viral videos of fake meat, coloured fruits and vegetables and even fake rice, I'm getting very paranoid.

So I thought maybe drinks will be spared. And I started liking almond milk, that everytime woolies or coles have a brand on half price, I will definitely choose that brand. That is until I read about Carrageenan and Gellan Gum. Hmm. 2 new ingredients that I never once bothered. 

And surprise, almost all the almond milks that I have consumed, has either of these ingredients. To tell you the truth, I don't think it has a very serious impact on me. Hmm unless the serious eczema condition is due to it because that's something I been battling for a few months which I find it odd too. Odd that it has affected more areas than it used to affect. I attributed it to old age i.e. genetics change. 

These 2 ingredients, especially carrageenan, usually affect those with indigestion though. Maybe the thought of IBS reminded me of someone, which lead me to write this post. To remind that in this world, people are putting more and more artificial ingredients in our food, and we should stop eating and drinking blindly. 

That's all I can do for now. Other than drinking only Pureharvest almond milk which is the only one I trust for now but rarely goes on specials. Sigh. 

P/S: I find it amusing that when I add and you accept, then why am I removed afterwards. Puzzling thoughts.

PP/S: And I finally used up the gargle solution from last year and yet my throat is still sore.  Oh well, at least one less item to keep. 

Fear of time

Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out. - Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

I had visited the library in hope to find "The Girl on the Train" novel. Because the girls had wanted to watch it in the outdoor cinema but I had rejected the invite. Because some days, I still see the ghosts of yesteryears and although I know that

Holding on to things only breaks your heart 

I didn't want to erase certain memories.

And a man without memories is just a shell. 

But I couldn't find that book. Instead I found The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. A weird story plot. But yet a very thought provoking book. And these days, I'm into weird story plots anyway. How else can I accept a mermaid that can erase memories. Or a grim reaper offering the paradise tea. Or even the almighty who cast the oblivion spell.

When you are young, you wish time will go faster. I don't know at which stage though,  I have wished for time to be slower. I wake up each day, feeling unfulfilled.

Everything man does today to be efficient, to fill the hour? It does not satisfy. It only makes him hungry to do more. Man wants to own his existence. But no one owns time. When you are measuring life, you are not living it.

I guess that is my problem. Measuring my life's existence. Thinking I own time. Forgetting that I come to this life empty handed, and I leave empty handed.

I don't know is it the thought if almighty is really that petty as Goblin portrayed was the reason for this post, or the shock from the Friday's accident at Bourke St mall that invoke me to type this post. The fear that time can be taken away from you so suddenly, 2 blocks away from where you stay.

Just as I don't know if the oblivion tea is the deity's way of showing grace? It's so you won't fall in agony at your next life. Even Legends has shown that if you retain your memories in your next life, and if you are a sinner, you will lead a very miserable second life too. Funny that all these shows philosophies can actually relate to each other in the same way.

I only wish that for all the grief that has been caused by one reckless driver, they will all be offered the paradise tea to forget the trauma they had endured. 2017 has indeed started with a very different note. Hopefully the arrival of the CNY will bring some happier notes. 

Stuck

김경희 (Kim Kyung Hee) – Stuck in love Lyrics Goblin OST Part 11

How can I get over you

Why do we have to be apart

We go where

nobody has ever been

And we come again from

the place we have never known

There are too many shadows

of your love everywhere around me

Stuck stuck stuck in love

Mysterious light

I’m still discovering

How can I get over you

Why do we have to be apart

And I’m wondering

if you know why know why

And I’m wondering

if you know why know why

bflygal: Simple song. Simple lyrics. Simple wish. Simple reason. 

I once thought I will be courageous.

I once tried to go where the path is less trodden. 

My courage failed me though.

Last night conversation of how kids these day are maturing earlier,

about how nephews chatting with random strangers

and nieces being bullies..

We concluded that in the very near future, 

boys will not be boys anymore

and girls might not be girls anymore.

And I wondered perhaps we have all been born too early,

stuck in the middle of a change phase. 

They grow up too fast, or are we the slow ones. 

p/s: 

3 weeks of on the bench has gotten me stuck with 2 melodramas.

How much more tears to shed for Goblin & Legend?

I fear I run out of tears soon

or my heart will have an attack next.

Maybe that's for the better...

Simple wish

One month of on-the-bench but I hardly stepped into my thoughts world. Nor stepped into my correspondence world. My indulgence were simple - Pokemon, Kdrama, Inferno.

While reading Inferno, one learned the great love story of Dante & Beatrice. And one wonders how could one love someone whom he only met twice in a span of 9 years. Courtly love it was described.

But was it really practiced in real life before? Maybe if we were simpler in thoughts?

How simple? Like flying over to meet the parents and hoping that all will be happily ever after. Sweet but will it work in real life? I will never know in this time frame. And so this 2015/2016 proposal, will finally be shredded up after months of deliberation. Because I have been threatened countless times, and K has been harassed several times. I once wanted to keep mementos but even in Kdrama, the leads always burn away the mementos of their past to go forward with the future. And since I was labelled not a simple girl, even if it hurts, I will let it go finally. Cos I no longer have the energy to struggle to keep friendships. Years of conditioning to be a hermit has finally made me into what I am now. Elusive. And all these fighting, will only taint the happy memories. I once wanted something simple. I still do. So as with every temple visits, I will continue to pray for my simple wish and to seek guidance for the path to be on. 

猪口在 wild marathon

The only thing I know I did right was to apply for a library membership card years ago. Nowadays my routine during the weekends are, QVM in the morning & library in the noon. Some days I can spend my entire weekends in the library. And sometimes even a Friday evening too. Especially now that I know of the Hot Pick corner where I can borrow any recommended dvd so long I return in 3 days.

And so I got WILD from Hot Pick, and then Never Let Me Go from the common shelves and lastly my usual dosage of drama marathon - 猪口在.

猪口在 is a simple guy because of his savant mind. And he always go with this motto:
If you cry, you can't see what's in front of you.
You only cry when it's okay not to look anymore.

Because of his motto, I try to cope the days here tearlessly. Because I am still searching for the future path and I cannot let the tears blurred my already fuzzy future.

"Never Let Me Go" on the other hand, is a weird movie. A future where even clones who were created for their precious organs, wanted to fight to live like a typical human. And why shouldn't they considering they have a heart and feelings too. I remembered when I first watched AI, the boy robot also wanted to be like other boys, to eat spinach like them, to play and swim like them. But he was outcast because he does not have a heart nor is he expected to have feelings. Then what about clones since they can create and store memories.

And so the clones tried to love. And then they tried to struggle against their fate.

What it is to have a soul and how you prove?

The rumor says if they can prove they have a soul, they will be exempted. And arts is one way to prove if he/she has a soul. Or so they thought.

I spend most of my time not looking forwards but looking backwards.

In the end, it is all for nothing. Because if fate decrees, then no matter how much you struggle, you will still end up in the path as dictated. Your organs will still required to be harvested. And you will still die after multiple transplant surgeries. Even if you have a lover. Even if you excel in arts. And if it is pointless in looking forward, then maybe looking backwards will make u treasure life a bit more?

And then the movie that inspired me to write this post - Wild

So much cherished quotes from Cheryl Strayed.

There's a sunset and sunrise in every day.
And you can decide to be there for it or not.
You can put yourself into beauty.

Even a child was in love with the world
after he got a new pair of shoes.

If I go back to time
I wouldn't do a single thing differently.
We are never purposed for what we expected.

I only have another 300 miles to walk
And when I'm done
I have to start living.

Cheryl chose the name Strayed because she felt she had strayed from her life's path. And she believed hiking through California and Oregon to the Bridge of the Gods into Washington would lead her back to the path.

"Bridge of the Gods". I like the name of this bridge. Wish I will have a chance to visit the bridge.

And when I'm on that bridge, I would like to tell myself too, that I wouldn't do a single thing differently. Because this was the path that God lead me to.