Breakdown muse

Ernesto Cortazar - Lonely Island


Luckily I had this music.  I was in a breakdown mode already because I'm tired.  Tired of trying to psych myself daily.. it takes effort to do that, it takes effort to tell oneself that God has a plan for you, it takes effort to know your GA really is just besides you especially at days when you can't sense it.. at days when you have been subjected to so much "betrayals".

If I'm in a really down mood, I will have 1001 questions to ask.. to ask why when couples are in love, they promise each other they will never break up.. and that if one asked to let go, the other will chase no matter what.  But when they finally break up, the other did not keep the promise of chasing back.  I want to ask why, why is it that one claims never to be able to share a life again only to change the stand a month later.  I want to ask why, why is it Murphy's Law always had to happen and dreams always has to be taken away from you.  Why everybody can get what they want in their career and yet still complain so much.  Yes, if I'm in a stupid and depressed mode, I probably can blame everybody and anybody.  But is there a use?

Thus I don't want to do that.  Thus I had to tell myself positive stuff.  Thus I had to be good and answer everybody questions.. question on how's the job search, any calls, did I take any actions today.  Questions on did I pack this and that, why am I bringing so little money.  Gracious, to estimate 100 euros/pounds a day.. can I afford?  Can I seriously afford?  If I have a choice now, I will just cancel everything.  Because I'm tired... tired of hearing this isn't enough, you must think about your companion, you must be patient... Hello, I am patient so I wish to just plan for my Europe trip and not schedule any job interviews .. am I wrong? Besides I really want to take this chance to figure out what I want in life, so what is the use of checking these jobs.  Yes I am already disillusioned by what I have been doing for my career so far.  The mind is powerful to convince you if you want that your jobs is good.  But there are times, I have to acknowledge that this isn't the path for me to clear my debts and return to God's lap ASAP.

I think I will not be online anymore because I'm really very tired.  To psych myself already requires so much efforts, I don't want to keep throwing positive replies to people even if they asked out of concern.  Too much concern can become a stress as shown in the movie Marathon.