Lost thoughts in Nov 08

Before I begin, this was supposed to be part of the previous post but somehow the tone spiral down and I felt it is better to split the two thoughts.

That Saturday, during the long journey, I was thinking about the topic “I know a lot of people” because I was posed that question twice that week. One of them probably felt so due to my FB, and the other because the previous alumni event, 2 of the participants said they knew me and this current event, one of the participant is my classmate. But are these people my friends or my acquaintances? That 2 guys for e.g. probably only know my name after we graduated from the course. And about FB, a friend used the word “surreal experience” to be able to find lost contact. Probably, but sometimes the longer I’m inside FB, the lonelier I felt

My mood was probably affected by the recent hostage case and chaos in Asia. And further depression set in as I was looking at my JC photos and saw my classmate. It is almost a year since she has left us. Did time fly so fast that December has reached? Why do I once again have the same thoughts I had a year ago? (Mum asked if I blog when I told her my cousin blogs… will I ever let her read? Can I ever explain those cryptic messages to her?) And recalling how a friend avoided it because she had her honeymoon planned then. How her colleague had hid herself in the cupboard to preserve her life. XX told me the lady’s last moments were spent emailing with her BB (I think I might keep a template in my BB too to send out my last words). And those reports kept saying she lived life to the fullest…

Back to the topic, I'm evaluating my character. I believed I treat everybody sincerely even if we rarely talks. Some probably say a conversation littered with questions cannot be defined as a proper conversation, but that has always been my style. The way I converse with people is by asking questions, lots of questions. If you reply earnestly, then we will have a conversation going on. If you don’t then we will just continue to be those I-Know-You acquaintances. If I had attended that last event (which I was interested but was in Japan and chairman did not check his calendar), I might have made small talk with those 2 guys as one of them did make an effort to intro himself before. But then take the Kangoo jump event for example; I ended up making more small talk with the wife than the classmate… which only shows some people can only be such acquaintances.

Having said that, I guess it is probably my attitude that caused me to be hated and misunderstood for reasons unknown to me. I still remember a girl in my sec days who never acknowledge me when we met again in uni days. I don't blame her as it ought to be painful to be subjected to hate group but I wasn't even involved or around then. And to hear what my ex-colleagues thought about me after I left.. a stupid girl who is incapable. Maybe there is some element of truth?

In the end, I still cannot figure out how close I am with most people in FB & MSN & even with people who invited me to their weddings. Not saying it does not matter, it matters at times when I only see a one-way traffic. But then I probably will never understand the complicated and complex inter-personal relationship and to make things simpler for me, I should just continue with my own mentality and rules – to treat everybody sincerely.

Anyway I was thinking about what I blogged about in that post which I had wanted to do in 2008, the video posts, the similar taste in music, and not so similar due to religion. I started thinking about the close friends I used to have, their music preference too and some religious songs they intro to me. Somehow as I questioned why am I always close to Christians, only to lose contact with them, while I was recalling about Hillsong and other Christian singers.. Josh Groban's voice came filling my head.

You Raise Me Up
- Josh Groban
Album: Closer

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Probably GA was trying to answer me in his own way.

P/s: I think it went well for him though I wonder if refraining from sending him well wishes (while I did for others) might have contributed to the wellness. Haha. One thing for sure, refrain doesn't equate to forget cos one needs to think to refrain.

PP/s: This post has been edited many times to reduce the sombre feeling.. but I guess it still has some elements... if so just wanna say, I have always been the forgetful type so even if you did pass snide remarks, I will probably still talk to you after a few days... I guess I am just too trusting for my own good .. but I rather be too trusting than too sceptical.. at least it will make life easier for me. (Hmm don't mean to sound like a saint though... I'm a devil afterall)