Somber musing

It is with great sadness that I end my 2007 with such solemn post. I thought if I should remember this pensieve of mine. And decided, it serves as a wake up call to me.

A few days ago, I remember my classmate had cracked a bad joke. Not that I can remember what he said. Besides I think I was at fault. I had accidentally heard another classmate said “You go attend your funeral wake” and was a bit shocked because of the phrasing. Later on, when this guy came back, he mentioned that one knows one is old when one’s parents are passing away. After that, what bad joke he cracked, I totally cannot remember. I only remember my brain was scanning through that phrase to counter it. But I kept quiet in the end. No point saying anything to someone who is moody then and trying to self-amuse. Plus while scanning, I suddenly felt unease.

I was 14 when my then best friend had to attend a primary schoolmate’s wake. The deceased had gotten into a car accident. I remember vividly telling this guy, she was 2 years younger than you, and she was gone already. That time, I felt we were too young to die.

Over the years, I might have those same sentiments. But to attend my JC mate’s wake is something I would say a wake up call. I wouldn’t say I am too young to die, considering half the time I do wish to meet maker. But I would like to ask if she had the chance to fulfil all her wishes? I was told she came down with dengue in June but did recover. It was short-lived though as she had to return back to hospital for some complications. She was supposedly better in October and was starting on some treatment recently when some rejections occurred. She departed the world very suddenly.

I was not close to her and totally lost contact after she left for Monash. Thus I had no knowledge of those months that she were hospitalised. Her death came as a shock to me then. I woke up early in the morning supposedly hoping that sms is my group mate’s response for a particular assignment. I ended up not being able to concentrate much in work because the assignment has an unknown status and I was still trying to recover from shock. I know I told my friend that the living ones still had a life to continue. But when you are at the wake, and you see the family’s reaction, and you see her boyfriend’s reaction, and you see her photograph, something just stirs in you. And it does not help that it is new year’s eve and they lost someone dear on such an occasion. She will be cremated tomorrow morning. Some way or another, they had to begun 2008 without her.

Am I still too young to die? I have no answer to that. A year ago, I changed my mentality to fulfil as much of my dreams as possible such that if I ever drop dead and die, at least I have lesser regrets. But there were certain things I procrastinate. I can only say I should stop procrastinating from now onwards. Death can indeed be a sudden thing.

p/s: What if one day I no longer blogs nor face book nor multiply nor friendster? Do you assume I have departed too? I realised we have too much online presence. And her presence in friendster is still there. Still there...