2nd attempt... déjà vu once again...

Is it his nature of never phrasing well?
Or is it a tactic to make me feel guilty?

Whatever it is, it hurts, it pricks my conscience.

The day before I feel troubled and uneasy.. the day had finally arrived but I felt fearful. I am only grateful sleep comes easily for me lately... I can just knock out by 9pm.. not sure is it because I ran too much or I'm bogged by too much worries or... but sleep comes easily and sometimes I do want to stay awake to read my books, blog some stuff... but I never made it there.

The day came and I decided to submit after lunch. Partly I have a meeting with them in the morning and I don't want to deal with them early in the morning with everybody's mind preoccupied with who will be taking over this demo when I'm gone.

This time, it was not obvious. I was standing instead of sitting like last year. Thus it looks like I'm asking official matter. But it is official matter. Colleague says I look quite calm and composed. Probably it comes with experience, having been unsuccessfully the previous time. I know I shocked my colleagues. It really don't look like the scene last year.. and yet once again he made me guilty. That is why this time I chose to pave my path first. Else I will just drag.

It hurts. It pricks my conscience. Even though they told me he was just giving a lame excuse to make me stay... the guilt tactic... and I should ignore it. But I can't help feeling bad if I really caused it. It was that matter, the re-shuffle after it, that made me gave up finally.

Before that I was just dragging the matter even though friends told me to think about it... I do regret not going earlier now. The economy is unstable and I'm getting doubtful if my decision is right. It took me a long time before I finally decided to accept. That period I just kept asking everybody the same question. I just kept asking the oracle the same question. I just kept asking GA… and each time GA told me to trust and accept Heaven’s help. Thus I finally decided to grit my teeth and cut the chords.

Déjà vu … The conversation was like last year… I really like learning from him. But I’m tired.. tired of forever waiting for my turn. Maybe they don’t realise it… but since I stepped in the first day, I already detected the queue. I don’t blame anybody, because I wasn’t treated as unfairly as my friend… but when told that I have to indeed wait… I had no choice but to tell him I don’t wish to wait anymore…

Anyway this is one of the rare days that I couldn’t care less about him.. especially when he made the start of my day terrible … He had asked a question and I couldn’t resist asking him back “If someone care from you afar, would you know or notice…”. It is a dumb question because I know he will not know and he confirmed it. It makes it even dumber because when I said that, I thought of QR and XDD… and how I always wished the ladies will know their concern.. how I always believed they will know… (I still am hopeful for them.. because at least they are females and females are sensitive by nature). QR said I’m optimistic to a point that he finds I’m the devil… devil’s temptation? I also don’t know why I’m that persistent… maybe that is why I’m forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone.. to care less for him??