Frank Words

This is another draft post that I did not publish as I was waiting for someone’s evaluation. But I did something yesterday which made me recount about this incident again. I will still try to ask my friend about my attitude but I just wanted to unload this burden which got heavier because of what I decided to do yesterday.

I remember a particular day, MyPaper writer Mr. Chia Han Keong had written an article about being cynical in sport. He had been advised before that “it pays to be cynical in this business” because you do not want to find yourself praising a win only to realize it is but a minor achievement deemed by the rest of the world. For the record, I don’t read sports news. But I was curious with what the writer had conveyed, thus I read that section. And I asked myself, who are we to judge if this is a major or minor achievement?

News editors, writers, bloggers and even normal e-mailers all hold a weapon in their hand – Words. Their words can make the subject happy, can hurt the subject. I once thought we are always kinder to strangers, but with globalization and the bridge of telecommunication, I suppose we are getting unkind to celebrities whom I considered strangers in some sense. And if we are getting unkind to strangers, I can envision how much worst we are treating familiar people.

I possess that skill too, especially when I am in a critical mode. Which is why after that incident, I totally shun off all communication. Maybe the chocolates are a factor too as too much choco makes one moody as well as increase the potential of gaining weight. After that blog on my choco addiction, I think it went worst. I finished another half bar of choco, which my friend wanted to dispose because she did not want to eat them anymore, in a day because I was stressed up with my security assignment. After that I tried Lindt chili chocolate, which is more cherry than chili though, bought in Candy Empire because I had to get a last minute gift for my friend. Then my parents came back and brought back more Japanese chocolates. Hmm but the past few days, I had not touch much chocolates so maybe my moodiness kinda rubbed off.

Hmm I think I shall take this chance also to tell QR that period, I was avoiding you also. Because you possess that skill when you are in a hurtful mode, and somehow I felt you were hurt. I can’t be too sure because I can’t even cure myself but each time we talk, you say something hurtful unknowingly because you did not know what is troubling me that period either. And to tell you the truth, I wasn’t joking when I said I could have been dead. In fact I did not plan to tell anybody before my parents came back, though I don’t know why I told someone. That Saturday, home alone, I decided to boil water. My mum had wanted me to use the electric way to boil the kettle but I preferred the gas way, and being stubborn, I felt that I would remember that I was boiling water. Although I was stressed by my security assignment, I honestly don’t believe that is the reason why I over-boil. But I also don’t want to attribute it to the fact that I read something disturbing. I know what it says hurts me terribly even though it allows me to understand the other party’s perspective, but it is no excuse why I forgot. Except that I really wanted to retaliate and write another post to explain my own actions. But halfway, I gave up because what do I gain by explaining. I decided to shower instead to try my best to forget the entire matter. Even till now, I really am thankful for my GA for protecting me. I had asked my friend what is the impact of over-boiling, (and he thought I left the kettle in the morning and stuff and got concerned for me till I said I don’t boil water in the morning) and he told me kettle usually can withstand a lot of heat. The only worst case scenario is when the water overflow and put off the fire thus leaving only the gas to emanate the surroundings. And luckily I don’t have the habit of boiling too much water so what I got was an extremely dry and hot kettle with the fire still intact. I ended up spending the rest of the time scrubbing the kettle because of the rust. Guess it really make me forget whatever I wanted to forget.

Anyway I also don’t know how to react when xi xiong remarked that I’m alive the next day, and when QR called a few times in the week to check if I’m dead or not. I really don’t know if I had almost caused a serious accident or not. I only know after that, every time I boiled water, I stayed in the kitchen too. So maybe QR words were hurtful only because of what I had encountered. But seriously, and I think QR knows too, no matter how much hurt he can inflict on me, is nothing compared to what I had been inflicted on because of that incident.

Eugene Loh, a 938LIVE DJ, had an article on “How Words Impact Your Relationships”. In it, he advised all to “give your words more deliberation before you speak. They can build or harm relationships, and empower men or crush them.”

It was referenced to bring up that point.. and I do agree with the DJ’s perspective and his perspective. Anyway at the end of the day, I felt the fault lies with me. I had commented but not fully (because I was distracted by work) and thus conveyed the wrong meaning to them. It was a remark to state that I needed more concentration to check the figures and I will do it at night instead, except I told them in my haphazard mode of communication that “it takes a lot of patience to check through and I lack patience”. My fault is my casual use of words to say what I thought and without re-reading what I had conveyed. But I do wonder if I really should switch to proper use of words when it comes to work/studies so that while work gets efficiently done, the inter-personal relationship is forever lost.

It is this stand that I held while filling in my appraisal form comments yesterday. I asked if I should be frank or fake. Frank means I will write what I thought, without mincing a single word. Fake means I will write what I know the company wants to hear. I chose frank, and immediately my supervisor hopes to have a good talk with me if I want. Was I reckless once again? Sigh, when one is stress, one really does illogical stuff. I should not have submitted the form till I went on leave; at least I would have one less worry now.

What is spoken and what is unspoken? Times I voice my thoughts but nobody cares. And times, I no longer feel like explaining myself because I feel they don’t listen. Besides I realize words can be re-worded. A situation can be painted into another perspective to reflect the other person’s thoughts. Actually I did consider everybody’s stand when I said and did certain stuff. It is true that one cannot say something and take it back, or slap someone and say he did not mean it. Which is why what I said, had been verbal actually and only to selected people and indeed I meant what I said. But if that in people’s opinion breed negativity to the group, considering that walls have ears, then I readily admit it is my fault for voicing out. After all, I might have hidden agenda as I already said before; I possess the skill of using words to hurt people.

So once again, I admit I meant what I written yesterday, and I know the full consequence when they read it. Truth is I really want them to know it before it is too late. I don’t want to keep living behind a façade, and I really feel it is time for them to really wake up. Too many times, we have all tried to conceal the flaws and close an eye hoping the hole will mend on its own. But it did not.

Although right now, the escapist in me wish to take back that form and submit a fake opinion.. kinda like the time I said sorry when I don’t mean it. And I know it hurts, to both parties. I recently asked XDD that too, who is more hurt when one apologies politically? Interestingly he told me both because behind every such “sorry” is an untold “story”. Ya, it is untold. I wanted to tell the story a few days later but time did not permit. Besides I’m still waiting for my friend’s evaluation.

Anyway, I’m now more concerned about what I’m going to face next week. So I shall say my thanks to
1) GA for protecting me twice in fact. The second time was an honest mistake. I really did not know that bowl is not for microwave use. And I was not distracted or anything, just… blur? Hmm hopefully you can shield me from whatever that happens due to my reckless action yesterday.
2) QR for checking if I’m dead or alive. In a sense, it is still some sort of concern.
3) Doc for the postcard and good luck. Same to you.
4) A friend for the wise words and the company to watch Run, Papa, Run though I doubt I will blog about it. Kinda fall short of my expectation. And yes, I once again hide in a cinema when stressed.. sigh.
Also thanks for being my grammar checker. Both assignments were being written and submitted uneasily because I feel I could have done a better job especially my case study research. The least I could do is to send them for some stringent grammar check by a critic.. though after that evaluation, I continued to amend so I guess I incur new sentence structure problems. I have to admit my language is not good, sigh...
5) Stressor and xi xiong for checking on me sometimes too
6) My family because I’m just grateful you guys are around. Although they kept harping on the near-disaster that I caused that day, thankfully they never mention it after that. Actually, I really feel guilty about the whole incident and wish to forget it too..
7) A friend. At least I saw another perspective even though I feel I’m seriously misunderstood but I guess it doesn’t matter now. And I have to say thanks for asking about me and encouraging me.