Surviving Heartbreak

Source: Eugene Loh, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio

For many of us, heartbreak is almost a rite of passage. Relationships are complex and delicate things that most people don't get right the first time.

When someone we love wants to leave us, we typically go through these emotional stages - at first we may want to focus on the behaviour and feel victimized by a betrayal or lies. We may go through many stages like anger, revenge, guilt, violence, depression or jealousy or we might feel unattractive, sexually inadequate, boring or stupid.

If we peel away the layers and keep asking ourselves where the pain is coming from, we will find that it is not the opinion of another person that causes the pain, it is our acceptance of the opinion. People do not give you love, and they do not take love away from you. You choose the degree of flow between yourself and another.

The other great misunderstanding is the belief in a one and only. The idea that love is only real or valid when it is a partnership relationship is very, very limited and downright damaging. We become tunnel-visioned and grossly restricted in a belief that there is only one person or one love available to us. Not only do we expect all of our love to come from only one person, but we also expect that they must love us exclusively and forever.

Also, we accept that change is an unavoidable fact of life, but we still insist that love will never change. We insist on an impossible promise and self-destruct when the promise is broken. When friends move on we accept it because we did not have unrealistic expectations to begin with. Our children grow up and move on and we encourage it, we don't take it as a betrayal nor do we interpret it as rejection of ourselves.

One person's ability or inability to love you does not make you any more or any less than you are. Your value as a lovable and worthwhile person is not determined by the opinion of only one other person. Your supply of love, and your ability to love, is not in the control of another person.

Only love can replenish love, and even if you feel you are faking it at first, it is most important to get back your flow. Be loving with yourself, treat yourself the way your ex-partner should have treated you, and treat yourself the way you wanted to treat your ex-partner.

And don't forget the love you share with family and friends, and allow that to expand. Stretch loving moments and experiences, give and take compliments and kindnesses, imbibe beauty and extend pleasure. Recall your energy and bring it back into yourself. If you really do believe there is only one love for you and you're capable of loving only that one person forever, then make that one person yourself.