An Unexpected Day

I had dreaded today because I spent the last 3 nights attending classes, and something had depressed me lately. It got to a point I really thought of cancelling my gym session because I feel I’m dragging myself to the gym.

Then I saw this phrase “Wipes Away Every Tear”. The natural tendency is to immediately ask Pte what happened. And he sounded very hurt, very dejected. Haha he admitted that even I did not make him so lost that time.. then I jokingly tell him it is because I did not matter so much to him. Anyway it is a joke, and it doesn’t really matter (now). And no, I’m not jealous haha.. I’m just concerned to see that nick that’s why I asked. (Maybe also due to the fact that when I’m upset, I rather focus on others than myself.)

Coincidentally I saw that article later on through another person’s blog .. ok maybe not so coincident afterall because of certain reasons. And I like this phrase very much

He knows where the hurt is the deepest,
The tears of the night and the day,
And whispering softly, “I love you,”
He brushes the teardrops away. —Anon.

I told Pte that when I read this phrase, I just felt a fuzzy feeling. Haha but the quote that he preferred is this:

Even though friends can be a help, only Christ can reach beyond our tears and touch the deep hurts of our hearts. His comfort can carry us through the struggles of our lives until that day when God Himself wipes away every tear from our eyes (Rev. 21:4). —Bill Crowder

Anyway, I found out that Pte has a blog. I was so engrossed reading it that I forgot my afternoon training session till my boss came 5 minutes beforehand to ask me if the training is still being held. I gave him a shock look, telling him I actually forgot about it, then ran all the way across the street to another building where I was supposed to conduct the training. I think I heard him asking if I need him to attend but I did not reply because I was trying to get the key to the training room. Haha anyway I managed to get the key, start the system and gave the demonstration to 2 out of the 6 users. The other 4 were still stuck in another training session and I guess it is tough to get them down. Then I came back to report to my boss the training session, and rush out the user manual because one of them wanted it. Besides maybe if the other users can understand the system based on the manual, I might not need to conduct a second training. *evil grin* But I left it to the rest to decide if they need training or not.

Then it is back to the blog. There was this line where I was supposed to have told him that “I will be happier without him”. I asked him did I really say that because that sounds so critical. And he replied me that it is in the past and it does not matter, of which I replied “Insensitive”. Was I saying I’m insensitive or he’s insensitive haha. Actually I was saying him but I did not elaborate because I was packing up to go already (especially since I’m still dragging myself to the gym.) Anyway I decided not to clarify with him because I’m almost 1 year late.. thus it really is the past and I decided it is only for me to know that sometimes, the words I used don’t really mean what I had intended to mean i.e. I should THINK before I speak. Because in my opinion, I never felt that I will be happier without him, I only felt that he will be happier without me.

Anyway this situation reminded me of the recent words I used to someone else. I mentioned that I will definitely reach my goal before he does. Not sure if he mistook anyway but I don’t wish to elaborate anymore already. To avoid affecting his decision, I chose not to even talk to him. I think he has already submit the decision and I know this is actually the best for him but sighz, I still can’t help feeling sad especially when I was given a chance to make the switch but I gave it up. But it was my choice so I can only blame myself. Weird though that I suddenly remembered months ago, I had accidentally ventured in unknown grounds and felt I was kinda punished by his GA. Although it is true that

God is not vengeance, God is love. His only form of punishment is to make someone who interrupts a work of love continue it.
- A quote from The Pilgrimage

But GA can be fiercely protective of the person they are protecting and though I don’t remember what I did, I just had a vague feeling I did something wrong and was punished quite severely. Thus this time, I threaded exceptionally careful and chose rather to avoid than to confront. Anyway his GA will protect him, this I’m sure so maybe I should just back off.

While reading the blog, I was thinking though, why Pte had faced a similar situation I’m facing. But he had once embraced it, thus it is easier for him to go back to it (though not entirely for her sake). I, on the other hand, had made a pact with God thus I would not allow myself to break the pact. Neither do I ever want him to break his promise either. The funny thing is Pte is giving up .. not funny in that humorous way, more so in a sad way. And I actually know why he failed, he knows it too. Just that they could really be perfect for each other if they can overcome certain tendencies. It’s weird that I feel everybody around me actually had a better chance than I have, and yet all around me, all are feeling dejected (and I ended up comforting them instead haha.. )

Sometimes, I think I really should analyse my brain especially the fact that I was reading his entries on how he chased the girl.. I mean those are stuff I should avoid because my natural tendency is to ask why he never really bother to do such stuff to me. Then I would reason and say because we were younger and thus courtship was much simpler? Then I would ask myself would I ever be courted again.. only to remember some people never believed in courtship.. oh and GA reminded me my fate wahahha.

Anyway what actually made my day is my gym session. Funny that I had dreaded seeing my trainer (though I have to admit she is GOOD!) because I’m mentally drained. Yet I actually had fun today. It started because she felt that today’s gym suddenly got crowded and she told me because the “men” were taking their own sweet time. Then I told her I don’t know how to identify and she started pointing out to me. She said she’s been here long so roughly will know already. Of course there are some that are obvious because they were exercising together in a couple way. Anyway saw one sufficiently famous actor who she told me is gay too and that it is not a rumour haha. And I suddenly remember my classmate claiming that his distant cousin (another quite famous actor) is definitely not a gay. That reaction by him was very funny, plus the fact he actually read through that flowerpod thread (but then he can be very nosey when he wants haha). Out of sheer curiosity, I asked if there are les around and she said rare bah. Haha I have to admit though that whenever I go gym, I rarely see guys though. I will only see girls, and envy their shapely legs or toned abs…

Oh but there was a pretty cute Chinese guy today too.. though I did wonder if he’s .. hmm.. but no harm bioing abit. Actually this week has been a “good” week as I remembered I had seen another cute Eurasian guy 3-4 days ago. That guy was more interesting because when I first noticed him, he did not wear his glasses. Then halfway through the MRT ride, he suddenly wore his glasses and looked so scholarly. Either image looks.. pretty good to me hahaha. Anyway it was more of my conversation with my trainer that made my day although I still cannot decipher when he’s not and when he’s.