Resentment...

I have resentment, as much as I don’t wish to acknowledge that it has been building in me. It is one of the reasons why I refuse to continue watching The Secret. I remember it started saying that if you keep thinking of the good things, you focus on the things you want, life will try to alter and you will get it.

I remember my friend had wanted me to watch it to salvage a relationship, a year ago. But I did not register that advice that time. And I thought now, since it is fate, I should listen to it. Unfortunately I never did complete the video due to sheer tiredness. And now I don’t know if I’m being too critical on it.

This must be the first time I don’t want CNY to start. In fact, I’m dreading it. My spring cleaning is still incomplete. And every night, I dragged myself home and sleep-clean. I know I asked for it sometimes because I got so tired I just end up chatting and venting some anger..

Maybe because today suddenly so many systems call for my attention that it totally spoil my day, my appetite and makes me so resentful I just want to pen it out. I usually read the stars for fun. But it seems dreadful if all of them keep telling me that my new year will be very tough, all because I have 2 stars that are supposed to help me. But to help me, I have to be in dire situation, the drearier the situation, the more obvious I know the stars are helping me. But GA, I don’t want any obstacles, I only want peace. I don’t mind just maintaining status quo, please…

I was told to be brave, to persevere and that I will see the silver lining at the end of the situation.. I was told to believe that everything will work out. Will it? I know my standard, 3 years as an undergraduate, I never did pass much of my programming assignments. The worst experience is when I took the AI module which my senior suggested saying it is easy, only to fail both the test and the programming assignment and barely scrapped a D for it. After that, I shunned all modules which need programming except HCI which was relatively easy because it was VB.Net.

GA, I tried to get out of this course. I know I cannot code in C, but why, why did you still make me take this course. I feel so betrayed, and yet I shouldn’t be. I am so paradoxical now. People have a chance to drop it, but I cannot. I only see one path for it, and if I refuse to accept it, it is suicidal to me. I hate this feeling.

I really don’t want CNY to come if all that comes are just obstacles. Because I fear, that I don’t have the courage to preserve. I know if I get through all these, I might become stronger, but today, I really feel so powerless that I just want to cry. I don’t even want to attend tonight’s class…