A Heavy Heart

看不开。
No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I just cannot let go.

是我执著 ，是我任性。
It has to be my fault, somehow.

忍。
Why does it have a knife on top of the heart? And a tear drop on its left?

The day has arrived but I feel no happiness. Early in the morning, I could not even breathe well. It is as if so many things are cluttered into my ventilation system, congesting my mind.

Coincidentally, the thing I was waiting for finally got credited in. I had contemplated postponing for one more week. But I remember I once told my friend, if I had to wait another 6 more months, I might commit suicide. And I am not the type of person to seek death. She said I was exaggerating haha. Later another person ask me to postpone too, I replied I might have depression. He said I was too extreme. Haha that day, I have to agree I would be foolish to really seek death or get depressed because of it.

But today, I really am at my lowest ebb. Senior has gone cycling and I have nobody to bully. The other guy whom I can discuss has gone holidaying for a week already. Actually even if they are around, I will still be isolated. I chose to be silent today. Maybe I’m afraid to think more, dwell more, and cry more.

When I started typing this post, I was trying hard to compose myself. Senior says when you can solve a bug and be their saviour, you will feel proud. But when you cannot find the bug no matter what, it gets very stressful. This stress has been with me for more than a week. And nobody, absolutely nobody is able to help me. Maybe I did not seek help. Between creating a new system and maintaining existing systems, every programmer knows that creating a new system is easier. Besides since it is new and if you do not have the time, you can always don’t develop it. Of course that is not the correct work attitude.

I really have no idea where the bug is and how I can solve their problem. Everyday I am just letting them “vent” in a sense. They will ask me look at that record, but I know looking doesn’t solve their problem. And my only solution to them, they are not taking it because it is tedious. And I know they, like me, are just listening “in one ear, out the other”. Because the data did not change, and the error is still there.

Maybe I am too focussed on this problem which affects my mood. Thankfully I managed to stabilize myself already. I hope to stay this mood till the day ends. After all, I have to be clear and coherent to convey my intention.

Anyway this morning was doing a mini test in MyPaper and the results states I’m very concerned about environment and the environment affects me easily. I guess it is true. I love Mother Nature mah haha.

注重环境
你喜欢干净，简洁的感觉，讨厌繁琐的事物。你在意心灵和周围环境的融洽，任何一个恶劣的环境都会影响你的心情。你喜欢的环境或许是优雅静谧的，或许是热闹喧嚣的，或许是阴暗闭塞的，一切都依感受来决定。

劝告：
很多时候我们都无法选择环境，所以学习适应环境，人，事物是必须的。看看窗外，其实已经有幅风景在你身边，它叫自然。