Healing Co-Dependent Relationships

Source : Eugene Loh, A Slice of Life, 938LIVE, a station of MediaCorp Radio

Relationship counsellors will tell you that the most common relationship dynamic they encounter is that of the co-dependent taker/caretaker.

Takers are people who tend to be self-centred, with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker attempts to control getting love, attention, approval or sex from others with anger, blame, violence, criticism, irritation, righteousness, neediness, invasive touch, invasive energy, incessant talking and/or emotional drama. In a relationship, takers operate from the belief that "you are responsible for my feelings of pain and joy. It is your job to make sure that I am okay".

Caretakers, conversely, operate from the belief that "I am responsible for your feelings. When I do it right, you will be happy and then I will receive the approval I need".Caretakers sacrifice their own needs and wants to take care of the needs and wants of others, even when others are capable of doing it themselves. Caretakers give to others from fear rather than love; in other words, they give to get.

Neither takers nor caretakers take responsibility for their own feelings and wellbeing. They often end up feeling angry, resentful, trapped, unappreciated, unseen, unloved, misunderstood, and/or unacknowledged. The problem is that takers and caretakers naturally find each other because of their need to feed on each others' weaknesses.

So if you're in a taker/caretaker relationship, what can you do to heal it?

Well, relationships heal when individuals heal. When each partner works on reducing their own selfish needs, their relationship system heals. When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals.

Learning how to take responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings. Your feelings come from how you treat yourself and others, from what you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself and others, rather than from others behaviour. Blaming others for your feelings will always lead to major relationship problems.

Why not start today by taking your eyes off your partner and putting them squarely on yourself? In reality, you are the only one you actually have control over. You are the only one you can change. Only when you change will the relationship get better.

Bflygal's comments :
This post is posted for some friends in mind. It's weird that these are the people that told me to be open, that only by being open will they live their life truly. They wish to be honest with their life, with the people around them. But lately, they seem so hurt. Anyway I say weird in a sense it is so coincidental that I have been thinking of closure lately. And they seem to tell me that being open is definitely a no-no. Ok I think it sounds too depressing. So this article came at a right time because it has an optimistic tone. Sometimes one just have to balance between selfish and openess. And I know they know it well too especially when they do not lose focus on their dreams still. As for myself, I think I should do what I want to do. Don't relent.