Stressed Rambling

I usually don’t tell people if I’m stressed. Sometimes, when my brain shut down, and I have zoned out, my group mates thought I’m stressed. I’m unsure if I was stressed as my brain has left my body and did not communicate its emotions to me anymore.

In fact I think I don’t even know when I’m stressed. But I know whenever exams come; I started playing all kind of online games. But no games can get my full concentration. I get bored very easily. I guess that is a sign that I’m stressed and trying to de-stress.

And yesterday, I frightened a classmate with my behaviour. Ever since I took Genetic Algorithm, I think I feel doubly lost. I don’t mind doing programming if I know what I’m doing. But for this programming assignment, I have no API to follow. Google fails to assist me either. For every Evolver function I tried to use, I had to trial and error and second-guess.

Right from the beginning, I never promise much on this assignment. I keep stressing I will only try my best. And every time I deliver the end product to my group mate, he will ask for more complex things. I guess his latest request might be the reason for my emotional “outburst” yesterday. After he told me that our adaptive GA should be more proactive in trying to find homogeneity before changing the mutation rate and crossover rate, I think my whole heart sunk. It means I need to redo the trial and error process again.

Maybe is because I never told them how tough it is to write this program. But I don’t want to do that also. And I know he appreciate what I deliver too. Just as I appreciate his feedback. Being so lost, not knowing what I’m doing; at least I have somebody to guide me, to push me on the right track. He is someone who tries to deliver the best. Blame it on my clumsiness, for I am unable to keep up with his tracks.

The whole day was then spent stoning. I was just staring at the screen when another classmate MSNed me. He asked me how my GA and DMML projects are. And I freaked him out by typing stuff that I am so tired and I want to quit and I want to give up. Basically it was my hands typing. Because I was still in stoned mode, so no brain processing was done actually. I even went as far as to say I don’t want to meet him to talk about it, just want to sleep and never wake up.

Anyway I did wake up and started talking to him more logically. But I think my abnormal behaviour had already freaked him out. Too bad the damage is done. “p

But because of this abnormal behaviour, I was introduced to Onimusha soundtracks, I think it is a worth deal! It sounds like the genre of music I like. And the game looks interesting but well I do not have a PS2 so don’t bother thinking about it haha. I was supposed to feel motivated (the aja aja fighting mood) after hearing this soundtrack, so I have to see what is my mood today.

Actually I think I will be ok today, because I already penned out my emotions. And really, I am not grumbling about my group mate. In fact, I admired his tenacity to deliver as accurate model as possible and hope to have half of his determination.

Aja Aja Fighting! But when I look over the GA project and see a DMML project and 3 exams and 22 days left, I think I start to feel the freaked out syndrome stirring in my body again…. Hee hee!